Advice on Courtship and Relationships Culled From The-Dream’s Love King

True to form, Terius “The-Dream” Nash spends the majority of his new album Love King — out today, and his third collection of calm R&B songs about relationships and sex in as many years — romancing women, breaking up with women, or explaining to women why their boyfriends are lame. He is also a successful and attractive pop singer who is married to the successful and attractive pop singer Christina Milian, and all of his album titles have the world “Love” in them. All of which is to say: Whose lyrics are better qualified for Vulture to infer how to talk to girls from? That is a rhetorical question. After the jump, ten bits of advice on modern love pulled straight from the lyrics on Love King.

• “Get your money up.” (“Love King”) A pervasive theme on Love King: Women, as well as people in general, will be more interested in you if you are well-off.

• “If you ever make your girlfriend mad/don’t let your good girl go bad/drop five stacks on a makeup bag.” (“Make Up Bag”). As straightforward as it gets as far as cause and effect; although, as the Times points out, “He’s talking about buying a purse, not a cosmetics container.” Helpfully, brand suggestions are provided for this $5,000 bag: Louis Vuitton, Prada, Hermès, Fendi, or Valentino should all do the trick.

• “She said she had a man but I had to pursue her/he never there, so she let me do her.” (“F.I.L.A.”) Stay persistent. Just because a women is spoken for doesn’t mean she’s not the one for you . Also, she may let her guard down and allow you to “do her.”

• “You can’t match a love like mine/It’s like trying to rob me with a BB gun/but my love gets it popping like the Taliban [machine-gun sound effects].” (“Sex Intelligent”) When expressing the breadth of your love, don’t rely on lazy clichés. Instead, push yourself to find the unexpected similes.

• “Bettin’ on horses/racing in Porsches.” (“Sex Intelligent (Remix)”) Back to the money talk. Providing a succinct, enlightening glimpse of the high life you live is always a plus.

• “30 foot ceilings, lifestyle appealing/check my ‘09 taxes, I made a killing.” (“February Love”) Get specific. It’s not enough just to buy her things and talk incessantly about your impressive income: how about, oh, showing her your tax returns.

• “I didn’t catch your name, lil mama/but I decided every time I mention you/I’ll say Yamaha.” (“Yamaha”) If you forget the name of the lady you’re seducing, do not panic. Just compare her to your high-powered motorcycle and move on.

• “Let’s make out on the phone first/you’re my bakery, where’s my dessert?” (“Turn Out”) Take your time! You have all night.

• “We all grown-ups, right?/Well, let me fuck you baby/[whispered] let me fuck you baby.” (“Panties to the Side”) Getting right to the point works, too.

• “[He] ain’t hitting it right/she need some Dream in her life.” (“Veteran”) And the most effective wooing technique? Be The-Dream.

Advice on Courtship and Relationships Culled From The-Dream’s Love King