If the ever-expanding subgenre of television shows and movies starring characters with large penises — the most recent additions being MTV’s The Hard Times of RJ Berger and HBO’s Hung, debuting its second season this Sunday — has taught us anything, it’s this: Being well-endowed is not always the gift it seems like on the surface. Sure, there are always perks to being freakishly packaged
but there’s a dark side, too, one full of drugs, prostitution, and student-government campaigns. A look now at nine well-endowed characters and how their unique physical asset has impacted their lives.
The Big Reveal: Drecker — a divorced, broke high-school basketball coach in Detroit — has presumably been aware of it for most of his life. The realization that he can use it to his benefit, however, comes during a self-help seminar.
Gift or Curse?: Well, Drecker does turn to sex work because of it. Then again, one gets the feeling this is just a step on a long path to profound self-realization. Gift!
What Are We Talking About Here?: According to Austin’s dad, Nigel, in Goldmember, who gets a good look: “You’re a tripod … it’s like a baby’s arm holding an apple.”
Gift or Curse?: Implied here is that Mini-Me is able to shrug off gawks and cruel jokes thanks, in part, to his big secret. Surely a positive.
The Big Reveal: With Jack Horner, in the kitchen of a Hollywood nightclub. “I got a feeling that behind those jeans is something wonderful just waiting to get out.”
What Are We Talking About Here?: Just over a foot!
Gift or Curse?: On the one hand, Diggler goes broke, gets addicted to methamphetamines, and nearly catches a shotgun blast in the back of the head from a coked-up Alfred Molina. On the other, has plentiful amorous encounters, gets a cool nickname, and hangs out with John C. Reilly a bunch. So, call it a wash?
The Big Reveal: Via a good pantsing. Classic!
What Are We Talking About Here?: A “goddamned Buick Regal,” according to
the no-BS gym coach.
Gift or Curse?: A shy nerd, Berger comes out of his shell — running for class president and making moves on the popular girl — thanks in part to his package. So, unrealistically
, a gift.
Gift or Curse?: A minor gift for this nerdy accountant, who works at espionage agency ISIS and dates jerk super-spy Archer’s ex-girlfriend. Let’s let Chris Parnell, the voice of Figgis, explain
: “Well, I guess it’s something you keep in your pocket, so to speak. It only occasionally, probably, colors how he presents himself. It gives him a little extra confidence at times, but he’s so insecure about Lana and Archer’s relationship that it doesn’t quite make up for that.”
The Big Reveal: At the Sin Say Shun Awards after-party, where an adult-film producer sneaks a peek at the urinal.
What Are We Talking About Here?: Well, good enough for porn, because the producer offers Ron some work.
Gift or Curse?: Desperate for cash to jump-start his dream of owning a Soup ‘R’ Crackers franchise, Ron considers the offer and is almost driven down the path of self-ruin and pornography. A near-curse.
The Big Reveal: It was right in the trailer
! No shame, no shame.
What Are We Talking About Here?: “It looks like a bell clacker.” —Director Zach Snyder
Gift or Curse?: Well, the penis size is just part of his whole “blue super-power superior being” thing, which helps the U.S. win the Vietnam War BUT ends up driving away his love interest, Silk Spectre. Curse!
What Are We Talking About Here?: No exact numbers exist for the real John Holmes, but the estimates are mostly Diggler-size. Knowing Val Kilmer’s dedication to his craft, we assume he played the onscreen John Holmes with that kind of heft in mind.
Gift or Curse?: Wonderland
skips all the “legendary porn star” stuff and goes right to Holmes’s involvement in the infamous Wonderland murders
. Not good times! Curse.