The high drama of last night’s Bachelorette (would Ali choose the cute blond who almost died from toxic mold, or the hulk whose mom thinks women shouldn’t work?) was cut short to make time for some very special programming: a sit-down with last season’s winning couple, Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi, to discuss their messy breakup. With both sides blabbing to the tabloids, it was only fair that ABC also got in on the action. Jake came on first to speak with host/marriage counselor Chris Harrison (“It is with a certain degree of sadness that I bring you this special Bachelor update,” Harrison opened, gravely). Jake looked tanned and soap opera star-ish, and said that the split took him by surprise — “I’m gone for a couple of days, and everything just explodes. I come home and I’m on the cover of five magazines,” he said, as if that’s a bad thing for a person whose salary comes from being on the cover of magazines. At first, it seemed like Jake was the good guy — his girlfriend sold their breakup story to a tabloid, he wanted to save their engagement — until Vienna came out to tell her side. And it turned out that they’re both horrible, fame-seeking liars!
Of course, it’s not surprising that two people who went on a reality-TV show are fame-seeking liars, but after a heavily edited season of cooing and emoting and generally being on their best behavior, it was interesting to see the couple as they really are. Jake’s evil — who knew?! Vienna detailed Jake’s temper and said she had to ask him to kiss her (and when he did kiss her, he didn’t use tongue). “I’m so mad at you. I’m so disgusted with you,” Jake shot back. “You sold me out to a magazine for payment, and then flirted with me all weekend!” he went on. Wait, flirted with your own fiancé? That’s kind of weird. “You are a fame whore,” responded Vienna. Things then devolved into ugliness, including mentions of dog IVs, infidelity, gay friends, “poly-o-graphs,” withholding of sex, and emasculation, culminating in a story about a fight over the GPS. “She’ll ask me, ‘I don’t know where I am,’ [and I’ll say], ‘Babe, the building you’re looking for is one mile this way, turn right on that road; it’s right there on the left,’ and she’ll reach back, grab the GPS, and put it in there, and I’m like, ‘Well, what did you ask for?’” said Jake, as an example of Vienna’s undermining. She responded, “And then his anger — he’ll take it and throw the thing behind the car!” (GPS causes a rift in yet another relationship.) If you discount the fact that Jake and Vienna are on the cover of Us Weekly, they sound like any other unhappy American couple, fighting about getting lost and lack of sex. Vienna eventually stormed out in a fit of tears, while Jake smirked menacingly. The show then cut to previews for next week’s Bachelorette, during which Ali visits the parents of the man she’ll eventually break up with on the cover of People. We’re rooting for the mold guy.