Last night Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Prostitute Lifetime Movie, The Client List, aired. It did not disappoint! Warm, good-hearted supermom and former beauty queen Samantha Dale Horton, played by Hewitt, is forced to work at a “massage parlor” to pay the mortgage and keep her kids in orthodonture while her husband’s bum knee heals enough for him to go back to construction. Of course, by really listening to her johns — remembering their favorite kind of eggs, their in-laws names — she becomes such a popular hooker she starts working too hard. Rich, but exhausted, she turns to coke, starts yelling at her kids, gets bag under her eyes, and then gets arrested. Luckily, as the prostitute with perfect recall, she is able to bring her whole client list down with her. Plus, she teaches the wives of all her Johns how to satisfy their men with the help of two-dozen bananas. In other words, you could not ask for more from a Lifetime movie! As proof, here are the ten best lines.
“This is America, a girl is pretty she’s not supposed to be poor!”
“These scientists did a test and figured out the smell of pumpkin brings blood flow to a man’s you know what faster than anything else … I read it in some woman’s magazine, August 2006 issue, Reese Witherspoon was on the cover.” —Love Hewitt discussing her perfume with her mother.
“You’re not sorry, not really. You know the day we met you, you told us that a sub prime on loan made good sense. And not to worry about the rate adjustments because we would be able to refinance before the loan resets. And then you told us it would be advantageous for us to enhance the income statement to help facilitate the approval process. Those were your words exactly,” —Love Hewitt to the bank officer
“I was just hoping for a little sympathy. I thought Pretty Woman was like your favorite movie.” —Love Hewitt telling a friend her secret
“I ran away from home to try out for American idol. They said I wasn’t ready yet. So I’m saving money for a singing coach.” —A young call girl on how she ended up doing “massages”
“A man is not supposed to put down his wife. When was the last time you told her she was beautiful? Men fall in love with their eyes, but women, we fall in love with our ears. You remember that I said that. Oh, dangit, that’s my phone. Oh it’s my daughter’s school! I need to take this. Hey baby, what’s up. No you didn’t! You won the whole spelling bee! What was the word? Diphthong!” —Love Hewitt’s babble, while giving a massage to her very first John.
“Men are easy. ‘I’m thirsty. I’m hungry, I’m horny.’ That’s men.”
“Tanya is Margarita”
“Unless the guy is into Asian chicks, then I’m Saki”
—Love Hewitt’s co-workers talking about their working names.
“We need our Eliot Spitzers and our Tiger Woods.” —Love Hewitt’s lawyer, talking strategy
“Mama, are you gonna get more coke?”
“What did you just say?!”
“I want one too.”
“Can I please just go to the bathroom!”
—Love Hewitt freaks while talking to her daughter.