the hills

Goodbye The Hills: Looking Back and Forward

It’s been four years, six seasons, and countless hours of thinking, writing, and feeling bad about ourselves for thinking and writing about The Hills, MTV’s semi-reality show about the lives of a bunch of bobble-headed twentysomethings in LA. And so to commemorate its series finale, which airs tonight at 10 p.m., we’ve taken a hard look at each character (including departed cast members Lauren Conrad and Whitney Port, but excluding minor characters, like Stacie the Bartender; people we’d like to forget, like Jason Wahler; and tragic tagalongs, like Holly Montag). How have they grown since starting the The Hills? (Really grown, not just augmented.) And where will they be when they’re 50? Did our predictions come true? Click through to find out. UPDATE: Well, it’s over. Read our recap of the finale here.

Where she started: Conrad, The Hills’ original lead, was a striving girl from Laguna Beach who moved to L.A. to live with her then bestie, Heidi Montag. Lauren had bad highlights and dreams of working for Teen Vogue. Naïve and blandly pretty, Conrad was an easy target for betrayal and heartbreak. And eye-rolling. Where she is now: Conrad left The Hills after season five and has since morphed into a mini-mogul, creating a now defunct fashion line (leggings!) and writing a best-selling line of young-adult novels based on her time on the show. Where she’ll be when she’s 50: One of the smarter(ish) cast members of the show, Conrad will most likely be married to a rich finance guy and still putting out her novels about bitchy girls, now set in outer space instead of Melrose.
Where she started: Whitney arrived in season one as Lauren’s co-worker at Teen Vogue. At first she seemed threatening, and then she spoke, and it, like, was, like, not at all, like, threatening. Whit and Lauren became the best of friends. Where she is now:She left the show after season four to star in her own spinoff, The City, in which she runs around New York trying to get people to buy her fashion line, Whitney Eve. They don’t buy it. Where she’ll be when she’s 50: Port will finally, mercifully give up her misplaced dreams of becoming a designer and settle where she’ll really succeed: PR. Though at 50, she’ll probably still be working for Kelly Cutrone, who, at 75, will likely be cruising down Seventh Avenue in a wheelchair, screaming at her staff, and then putting them on her lap and hugging them close to her wrinkled body.
Where she started: Laguna Beach villainess Cavallari arrived at the end of The Hills’ fifth season to replace Conrad. Aggressive out of the gate — “The bitch is back!” — Cavallari lived up to her self-proclaimed rep by stealing Audrina Patridge’s long-term love, Justin Bobby (whom she immediately dumped after realizing he was a nonsense-spewing alien sent to Earth with only a fedora to disguise him). Where she is now: We’ve found the softer side of Cavallari, recently rejected by her friend-with-benefits Brody Jenner. With longer hair and a nicer attitude, Cavallari has basically morphed into a slightly edgier version of her old nemesis, Lauren Conrad. Where she’ll be when she’s 50: Having realized the idiocy of her ways, Cavallari will open a center for overly aggressive teenage girls, imparting upon them important life lessons such as: how to exit a club without getting into a hair-pulling fight.
Where they started: Montag, who used to look like this, appeared in season one as Conrad’s ditzy, mostly harmless best friend. Pratt popped up in season two and immediately took to his role as evil mastermind, playing both Montag and Patridge for fools. After a pregnancy scare, Speidi moved in together and have slowly but surely removed themselves from normal society. Where they are now: Unclear. After getting kicked off The Hills (Montag accused series creator Adam DiVello of sexual harassment), Speidi has allegedly broken up, and Montag still refuses to see her poor mother, Darlene. Oh, yeah, and now she looks like this. Pratt is obsessed with crystals and Twitter. Neither seems mentally stable. Where they will be when they’re 50: Happily married, living in Scarsdale. And Montag won’t look a day over fifteen.
Where she started: Patridge came on the scene in season one as Montag and Conrad’s pretty, slightly spacey friend. And by “slightly,” we mean “completely, totally, and fully.” Patridge just stood around a lot, nodding. But she did it with style! Where she is now: After a drawn-out courtship with Justin Bobby, Patridge has learned one thing over the course of The Hills: Don’t trust guys who don’t call you back, cheat on you, and date your friends. And from there, folks, she’ll go on to conquer the world! Where she’ll be when she’s 50: On The Real Housewives of Los Angeles, with an all-star cast including the recently out-of-jail Allie Lutz.
Where he started: Jenner appeared in season two, when he had a brief fling with Conrad after being introduced to her by then-friend Spencer Pratt. A natural player, Jenner was always looking around for the next best thing and went through a series of unmemorable girlfriends (with the exception of the remarkable Jayde Nicole). Where he is now: After dumping Cavallari, Jenner moved on to that Canadian princess of eyeliner, Avril Lavigne. He continues to wear a ski cap throughout the dog days of summer. Where he’ll be when he’s 50: On his own reality show, obviously: Brody Bunch. A divorced Jenner lives in a house with his seven children, all of different mothers. Single dad high jinks ensue! Tune into TBS at 1:30 a.m. on Mondays.
Where she started: Conrad’s high-school best friend, Bosworth took a bigger role in The Hills after she and Conrad moved in together in season three. The voice of reason, Bosworth tends to stay above the fray, doling out advice and ragging on lunatics like Brescia by coining the lasting, genius nickname Justin Bobby. Where she is now: About to move in with her boyfriend, Scott, of whom we’ve seen little in the way of footage. Bosworth’s working at Smashbox cosmetics in PR and generally being the most normal person on the show. Where she’ll be when he’s 50: Bosworth will go back to school for her psychotherapy degree and open a practice catering to broken, misguided youths who’ve recently been featured on MTV.
Where she started: Spencer Pratt’s tripped-out, crazy sister came into The Hills in season three by inserting herself into the middle of every conflict, sometimes violently. She had an alcohol and drug problem, which led to her arrest. Where she is now: She-Pratt’s sober (for the moment), has calmed down significantly, and is basically fully estranged from her brother. Though she’s not currently working or in school, Pratt’s looking for love and seems to have a thing going with her date from last week, Josh. Where she’ll be when he’s 50: Who knows: In Miami, living as a lesbian? Just as long as it’s not on our TV screens.
Where he started: Heidi and Spencer’s neighbor, 5-year-old Enzo, was a regular character on season five, during which he’d pop by their place to hang out. There was always something suspicious about Enzo; he was too articulate for his age and there was a dark gleam in his eye, leading us to believe that he was actually a grown man in a small body, thirsty for blood. Where he is now: Hopefully out of Speidi’s clutches. Where he’ll be when he’s 50: The President of the United States of America.
Where he started: Patridge’s former hook-up, Brescia emerged in season three as a full-blown character, quickly becoming the show’s comic relief. He spoke only in nonsensical clichés (“truth and time tells all”) and somehow got away with being Audrina’s boyfriend, even while never calling her back. Where he is now: Roaming L.A., looking for other conquests, fixing up bikes, and just letting it all soak in. There’s a 95.7 percent chance that he’s stoned. Where he’ll be when he’s 50: Justin Bobby will create his own religion, Realityism, preaching the benefits of appearing as yourself on television. His followers pay millions just to touch his greasy hair. He’s also the spiritual adviser to President Enzo.
Where he started: Cabrera and his hair were latecomers to The Hills universe, showing up this past season as Audrina’s clingy boyfriend, who swooped in after Justin Bobby broke her fragile heart. Where he is now: He crooned, he cajoled, his hair grew as much as his love, but he was unsuccessful in his bid for Audrina. The serial reality-TV vet is out there right now, probably trying to date a Kardashian. Look out, ladies, those spikes are lethal. Where he’ll be when he’s 50: Bald.
Goodbye The Hills: Looking Back and Forward