Fug Girls: Emmy Red-Carpet Hits and Misses

Awards shows can have the same effect as an all-you-can-eat buffet: There’s so much to consume, it’s easy to slip into a sensory-overload coma. And on this Emmy night, while some outfits were equal to the best spread Vegas has to offer, others were the sartorial equivalent of the $6.99 steak breakfast you hazily eat at four o’clock in the morning at the off-strip Sizzler and regret mere hours later. We fearlessly sampled them all and pulled out ten of the best, worst, most, and least. And now if you’ll excuse us, we need to go sleep off last night’s binge. (For more from the Fug Girls, visit GoFugYourself.com.)

Come awards show time, Heidi either swaddles herself in enough fabric to pass herself off as a Bed in a Bag set, or so little that you wonder if she thinks the Emmys are taking place in her hotel room after a hot date with Seal. Just once we’d love to see her explore a little something in between. In other words, we all know what California and New York look like; maybe, just maybe, it’s time for Kansas to get its due.
Glee’s Morris has a long history of popping up on the red carpet looking as though she’d been styled by someone who was playing a long practical joke on her. So we were delighted to see her in this alluringly tactile gold gown. The black belt keeps it from looking too staid, while the beading appeals to the magpie in us. In fact, the entire thing makes us feel pretty darn… no, we refuse to yield to that “gleeful” pun. Let’s just say we like it, and leave it at that.
If we may be blunt: Huh? Lauren Graham is far too dishy to be trussed up in something that looks like what would happen if a black-and-white cookie became sentient and started smoking crack. This dress is doing her figure no favors, and it’s making us hungry. Lose-lose.
Rita must have been absent on the day we all learned that one should never wear one’s chandelier shoes with one’s chandelier dress. In addition to this massive fashion misstep, frankly, we’re concerned: Third-grade science taught us that if enough of those prisms get caught in the sunlight, she could burst into flames. Hasn’t Tom Hanks been through enough?
We can’t figure this out: The shimmery swimming-pool effect is cool, the pleating on the skirt is lovely, and the color is fantastic on her. But for some reason, January Jones’s dress leaves us cold. Maybe it’s because it looks like she glued two matching shoulder pads over her boobs; maybe we just wish she’d pick tea-length or long train and stick with it. Or maybe it’s that she seems to have used a top-down convertible to style her hair. Betty Draper would die.
Listen, if you insist on looking to Amy Winehouse as hair-styling inspiration, it’s probably in your best interest to keep the rest of your look, you know, simple. Glee’s Rivera, on the other hand, looks like a pageant queen who’s been sponsored by Barbie. Sometimes more is more, but in this instance, more is just too much.
Paquin loves herself some McQueen, and this time, her McQueen loves her back. Sure, this dress is unusual. But it’s also a welcome, Egyptian-ish respite from the rest of the red carpet’s princess frocks and navy blue mermaid dresses. Good for Anna for trying something until she gets it right.
We’re pretty sure this dress is an homage to Jane Austen’s time, when ladies arrived at galas by horse-drawn carriage, hopping out with their skirts hiked up so they could find the door without dragging their dresses in the mud and dung. Unfortunately for Toni, that is not a time anybody wants to remember, visually or nasally.
One of us once accidentally opened a Diet Coke bottle that had been dropped on the floor: the soda-stained result looked a lot like this gown. And yeah, we wore the shirt anyway, but that was to the grocery store. The Emmys should only be treated like a supermarket equivalent if you get to put Jon Hamm in a cart and wheel him to your limo.
Last year, engaged to Fred Armisen, Elisabeth wore dowdy hair and an unflatteringly aging dress; this year, freshly divorced from him, Elisabeth looks youthful, fresh, and glowy. But don’t worry, Fred, we’re sure it’s just a coincidence. You definitely shouldn’t be beating yourself up over that. At all. Right.
Fug Girls: Emmy Red-Carpet Hits and Misses