Summer is a time of hot weather, small clothing, and, most commonly, steamy sex on TV. From head-twisting vampire hate sex to “smooshing” on reality TV, there’s simply too much for Vulture to keep track of. So in order to take a proper look back at the summer of TV filth, we contacted the Parents Television Council (PTC) — the watchdog organization that closely monitors and painstakingly describes the nastiest and most depraved sex on TV (for the children’s sake) — and asked them to send us the most scandalous things they’d seen this summer. They complied, and although their list is not comprehensive, it does contain, in their words, “some of the worst of the worst.” Click through to teach yourself the horrors of modern summer television. All straightforward and carefully detailed descriptions provided are the PTC’s own.
From the PTC: Woman rubs male and female figurines together to demonstrate intercourse. “What does it seem like these two figurines are doing?” “Trying to start a fire with their hips?” “Well, that’s one way of putting it. This one looks like it has jelly donut on it. Let me clean it off for you.” She simulates fellatio on the figurine. “Yeah, that’s gettin’ clean. I’ll suck the paint right off this preschool figurine. You know what I’m saying, right?” “Not really?” “Oh no, the figurine’s cold. I’d better warm it up in my jungle cave. Yea, spelunk away, little figurine. … You want to talk about marsh lands, why don’t you clean up my marsh lands, you can start with the bat problem.” She grinds her hips while seated in the chair and squeezes his breast… “What has two thumbs, is hot and bothered and has a plastic figurine in her uterus that she wants to replace with your figurine in exchange for EPA approval of those marsh lands?” He is later shown wearing a tee shirt, short shorts and nipple clamps.
From the PTC: Friend: “Ever heard of a rainbow party? … The purity kids invented them. They’re also called ‘Everything but’ parties, because it’s everything but sex. You know, like butt sex – like ‘butt’ with two t’s. See, that’s how they stay technically pure, by saving the baby hole for the Lord.” RJ: “So what goes down at these parties?” Friend: “Girls, RJ, girls do. Apparently there’s a punch bowl filled with lipstick. All the colors of the rainbow. The goal is for each girl to leave her color on as many guys as possible. When they’re done, each girl has left her mark. And, by keeping the front door nailed shut, they’ve done it all with God’s approval.” The dialogue is illustrated with a kaleidoscopic montage of half-naked women.
From the PTC: Louie’s brother tells him about a girl he met that he wants to sleep with, but will only sleep with him if there’s a third person. “Bro, I met this girl, I really like her, I mean she’s amazing and she gets me really, really horny… we went out like six times, one of those we wind up back at her place makin’ out. I mean really makin’ out. Tongues were everywhere, I mean, she’s grabbing on me… so we always do the same thing, just makin’ out at her place, and I get, I mean, my dick is hard as a nail, it’s swollen, my dick is swollen and leaking… she really wants me, but only with another guy. She can’t get off with anything less than two guys, so she said if I can get another guy…” Louie: “You want to have a threesome with your own brother? What’s wrong with you?” His brother explains that his plan is for Louie to pretend he’s going to have a threesome with them just long enough to get her excited then leave.
From the PTC: Woman starts to undress as Don offers her a drink. She says she doesn’t have time because she has supper with her family. They go into the bedroom and she is shown moving up and down as she sits astride him during intercourse. She is wearing a bra. She says she knows what he wants. He instructs her, “Then do it.” She slaps him across the face. He tells her to do it again, “Harder.” She smacks him again as they continue to have sex.
From the PTC: Prostitute working out of a motel parking lot is shown (or implied) to be performing sex acts on a number of men. Mostly she is shown in a parked car, her head disappearing behind the steering wheel as it is implied she performs fellatio on her various clients.
From the PTC: Scene with the teacher and the student is very brief and shown in flashback. All that’s really seen is the boy wearing his uniform (dress shirt and shorts) kissing. Her legs are spread and flailing in the air. At this point, it’s not clear that they are having intercourse, they may just be kissing passionately, but later, a student appears to be attempting to blackmail the teacher by taking pictures of them together, and in the pictures it seems more likely that they were having sex. But both are fully clothed throughout.
From the PTC: Male vampire is kissing mortal woman against a building in an alley. They may be having intercourse, based on her heavy breathing – but both appear to be fully dressed. A female vampire watches. He invites her to join them. They both bite the girl’s neck and begin feeding.
From the PTC: Warren watches TV with a group of men watching a gay porn film Warren appeared in. On the TV, four men sit around a camp fire…Warren (in the video): “Well… what do we have here? Look who’s got their weenies out… you’re bad boys. Look at you with your wieners out…” He drops his pants. He seems to scream as a man’s head rises into the frame, implying that he was receiving fellatio and climaxed.