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17 Happy Rom-Coms that Are Actually Cruel

In The Switch, which comes out today, an intoxicated Jason Bateman accidentally spills the contents of his best friend Jennifer Aniston’s thoughtfully obtained sperm vial, and, unwilling to admit his mistake, fills the vial back up with his own sperm. She gets pregnant and has the baby, and it takes seven years for him to tell her his secret. Although the movie is presented as the merry story of two old friends figuring out love, it could just as easily be the story of a deceitful drunk who tricks a lonely woman into bearing his child and who then spends seven years as deadbeat dad. Which made us think — what other romantic comedies are also basically about criminals and horrible people doing cruel and idiotic things? Almost all of them, it turns out! And so, we re-sloganed seventeen of the most egregious. Our list is by no means comprehensive, so feel free to leave your additions in the comments.

Middle-aged failure has sex with underage girl.
Sexually driven cross-dresser manipulates lonely woman into believing she has a friend.
Gold-digging animal abuser transmits secret drug messages for cash.
Mentally unstable young man commits burglary to install secret machines inside woman’s belongings.
Average-looking woman weaves web of lies to woo attractive man and manipulate him into sleeping with an impostor.
Jealous egomaniac attempts to ruin best friend’s life and humiliate his fiancée.
Annoying strangers in long-term relationships go on marathon date; spend years hunting down property the other defaced.
Deceitful shrew demands divorce so she can marry son of NYC mayor.
Weird, lonely woman deceives relatives of comatose man; lies way into his family at their darkest moment.
A wimp, a liar, a sleazebag, and a fraud all stalk the same orthopedic surgeon.
Toilet-plunger mastermind embroiled in illegal frequent-flier-mile exploitation stalks woman, brutally beats adversary with tire iron.
Cocaine smuggler pulls strings and suffers no consequences.
Attractive prostitute loses job.
Engaged woman stalks depressed widower through his vulnerable child.
Loafer has sex with future girlfriend’s depressed mother, barricades panicked civilians inside church.
Vituperative creep sabotages ex-wife’s career, kidnaps her future mother-in-law.
Goblin wino robs own mother to finance week of drunkenness and infidelity.
17 Happy Rom-Coms that Are Actually Cruel