Can such a thing be truly ascertained? No, not really: Who’s to say attempted cannibalism is worse than developing a crack addiction just for the welfare checks? But with the gleefully depraved FX comedy’s sixth season starting tonight, Vulture parses Sunny’s backlog of horrors in order to determine the one transcendent offense Charlie, Mac, Frank, Dennis, and Sweet Dee have each individually perpetrated. (That’s individually, so the manifold terrible things they’ve done as a group — like, say, accidentally terrorizing a Mexican family — don’t count). Click through to be amusingly horrified! And, as always, let us know what we’ve missed.
Offense: Every aspect of Dennis’s pickup technique, the D.E.N.N.I.S. System (Season five, “The D.E.N.N.I.S. System”)
Dennis finally reveals the secret to his success with the ladies, and it’s a little program known as the D.E.N.N.I.S. System. It goes like this:
D - Demonstrate value
E - Engage physically
N - Nurturing dependence
N - Neglect emotionally
I - Inspire hope
S -Separate entirely
Practically speaking, this means going out with a girl, bedding her, convincing her she has a crazed violent stalker after her, callously rejecting her, showering her with affection in order to squeeze out one last sexual encounter, and then never talking to her again. As confused as it is awful. (Click
Offense: Attempting to seduce an alleged child molester (Season one, “Charlie Got Molested”)
The show has only improved over the years, growing more creative and ambitious in its displays of mind-boggling coldheartedness, careless cruelty, and aggressive spite. But this particular plotline from season one — in which Mac finds out his former gym teacher has been accused of molesting students, grows upset that he was ignored as a potential victim while in school, and shows up at the former gym teacher’s house in tight-fitting clothing — still holds up as one of Sunny’s greatest moments. There’s no footage available online from this episode, either, so make sure you picture Rob McElhenney in super-short shorts as you’re reading this.
