Last season, we gave early suggestions as to whom to root for on the upcoming season of Dancing With the Stars without your having to take the trouble to actually watch the show. That seemed to work out well: Favorites were picked, and two hours were saved. So why not do it again? Simply scan through the following dossiers on this year’s twelve happy hoofers, find the description that best describes you, and BAM! — you’ve picked yourself a horse without having to be blinded by a bunch of sequins. You’re welcome!
Bio: Not the smart one from MTV’s The Hills. Future emergency judge for the 2011 Miss Universe Pageant should Tila Tequila cancel or get pelted by concert debris at the last minute.
Rooting for Her: Justin Bobby, silicone enthusiasts, Maxim
Bio: Vein-bursting soul singer. Former companion of Nicolette Sheridan. Instant punchline from the moment he became famous.
Rooting for Him: Fans of soft rock, leather pants, and white open shirts. Single aunts.
Rooting Against Him: Kenny G.; John Tesh; the ghost of his angry, vengeful mullet.
Signature Dance Move: Cringe-inducing Bolton Boogie.
Bio: Grammy-Award-winning singer. Sister of Ray Jay. Former America’s Got Talent judge.
Rooting for Her: Moesha fans, That Boy Who is Mine
Rooting Against Her: That Boy Who Is Not Mine, single-name performers who think Brandy “doesn’t have the goods” to go by one name: i.e., Cher, Madonna, Hitler …
Signature Dance Move: The Brandy Snifter
Bio: Strikingly handsome retired NBA Star. Former Mr. Vanessa Williams.
Rooting for Him: Vanessa Williams’s attorney; superficial ladies who enjoy tall, good-looking, wealthy, athletic guys. You know who you are.
Rooting Against Him: Celtics fans; dudes who are jealous of his cool, monosyllabic name.
Signature Dance Move: The Rick Fox Trot
Bio: First Asian sitcom star. Non-hacky comedian who doesn’t make fun of airplanes, airports, or bags of peanuts on airplanes.
Rooting for Her: Her huge Asian fan base, her mother, gaysians, trannies.
Rooting Against Her: The tattoo-averse, people who enjoy a good limerick, people who voted for Jeff Foxworthy in the last election.
Signature dance move: The Cha Cha Cho
Bio: Shirtless star of MTV’s Jersey Shore. This generation’s Eric Nies. Greatest grenade-launcher of our generation. DTF, GTL, PUTZ.
Rooting for Him: Owners and operators of gymnasiums, tanning salons, and laundromats; people who like abs of sequined steel; chain-smoking skanks; hot-tubbers; rarest roses.
Rooting Against Him: His dastardly arch nemesis, “The Incident”; skin cancer.
Signature Dance Move(s): Gym Tan Lambada
Bio: America’s first MILF, Carol Brady. Cooking oil pitchperson. Semi-regular Love Boat passenger.
Rooting for Her: Mike, the new Jan Brady, Cindy, Greg, Peter, Bobby, Tiger, Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!
Rooting Against Her: Alice, who neither forgives nor forgets the years of servility.
Signature Dance Move: The “Wessonality”
Bio: Known for his breakthrough role in That’s So Raven and star of Cory in the House. This generation’s black male Annette Funiciello.
Rooting for Him: Raven (that’s SO her), young’uns, whippersnappers, crazy kids who should get off our lawn or we’ll take their balls.
Rooting Against Him: People who understood the Annette Funiciello reference above, cranky ladies who give out pennies and caramels for Halloween.
Signature dance move(s): The Mass-ed Potato.
Bio: Sarah Palin’s daughter. Teen mom. Culture-war lightning rod.
Rooting for Her: Tea partiers, hockey moms, Todd.
Rooting Against Her: Deadbeat Dads, Levi Johnston, Beau Biden.
Signature Dance Move: The Baked Alaska
Bio: Retired Super Bowl–winning Quarterback of the Arizona Cardinals; evangelical.
Rooting For Him: Quarterbacks, Super Bowl winners, tailgaters, people who say “yeah, but it’s a dry heat,” Jesus.
Rooting Against Him: Sinners, Super Bowl losers, humidity.
Signature dance move: The WWJD: What Would Jesus Dance?
Bio: Dirty Dancing ingénue who refused to be put in a corner. Also known as Ferris Bueller’s sister, and for her complete face-o-plasty in the late nineties.
Rooting for Her: Women who attended sleepaway camp in the summer of 1987; Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes, because every victory will mean a royalty-upticking sample of “(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life.”
Rooting Against Her: Corners with babies in them, her old nose.
Signature dance move: Being lifted in the air by her torso.
Bio: Baywatch; Knight Rider; black underpants-wearer; floor-burger eater
Rooting gor Him: Germany, talking cars, and, presumably, talking German cars.
Rooting Against Him: Gravity, sobriety, mute cars, unfinished cocktails.
Signature Dance Move: “Don’t Hustle the Hoff”