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Gossip Girl Recap of the Recap: When Do We Get the Georgina-Dorota Showdown?

Before we let commenter Polish Pierogi take over with the first Recap of the Recap of season four of Gossip Girl, allow Chris and Jessica to apologize: There was, as many of you pointed out, a pregnancy scare in season one that related to Serena van der Woodsen. But it was only because Serena was snapped by Gossip Girl buying a pregnancy test for Blair. Anyway, if you have trouble (as even we occasionally do) keeping all of this straight, there might be a solution on the horizon: Vulture’s prepping some new features that will cater to even the most obsessive fan of the Greatest Show of Our Time … (For now, this should tide you over). Pierogi, take it away!

I am taking a cautious approach to this season in order not to have my expectations come crashing down by episode four. Since all the fun of Chair is in the chase, let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. Nothing is more real than Blair’s fury at Serena for taking the spotlight yet again. Let’s hope this develops into more than just a push. Blair should really put that skank in her place.

Realer than Blair’s animosity for her “best friend” who gets away with gonorrhea — I mean, murder.
• What was running through Lily’s and Rufus’s minds? “I always thought it would be Serena first … ” Plus 10. —LPISANIELLO

• Blair somehow made up with Serena without actually saying “I’m sorry.” Plus 50. —LONDON14

• Chuck Bass’s living situation now matches his dental situation. Plus 5. —SARCASTICMEOW

• Chuck steps out with Fleur and gets ready to conquer paradise, just as GG mentions Napoleon. A snarky Plus 5 for referring to Ed Westwick’s height. —THEMISSINGSCARF

Plus 20 for B pushing S into the fountain. I’ve been wanting to do that for a long, long time. —CCSEB

Plus 5 for Dan’s massive wig hair replacing his massive muscles from last season. —ORANGEPEKOE

Plus 5 for referring to Milo as a bag of crap —THEOCANADA

• The strippers offer to let Nate play the keyboard in Rock Band 3. Plus 1, because he’s totally gay. —ERICROCKSMYWORLD

• Lily has officially been handed the Worst Parent of the UES award. You just realize it’s fishy that your billionaire stepson has been missing for months when someone else points it out to you??? Really??? I guess it’s a plus, all things considered. —Stiletto33

• Georgina sure knew how to boss around that cater waiter to get optimum service. Oh right, she’s been living with Dan for three months. Plus 20.KDOW3

• Every time Lily says she went to visit Cece, I don’t believe her. She was probably with Keith Vander Woodsen or the next in line former husband. Rufus believed her. Plus 1.GIPSYQUEEN

• Georgina had the birth certificate ready and out of her bag before she was asked for it. Well, sure. She was manipulating the timing of the questions all along. Plus 2. WENDYG

Plus 20 if Georgina’s baby is Vanya’s (from when “Prince Alexei” whisked her away last season). It could explain the Russian ranting on the phone. And it would lead to an unforgettable Georgina-Dorota showdown. —Blair215

• Nate walking in on all of the girls playing Rock Band back at the empire suite was such a play on the supermodels-in-underwear Rock Band commercial. Questionable was how all of them managed to obtain slutty silky zoot suits. Does Chuck keep a costume closet for the black book whores? If so, plus 5. —CZAR_OF_GNAR

Earlier: Gossip Girl Recap: We Make Our Own Fairy Tales

• Why is Blair afraid to be competitive with Serena at Columbia? Don’t you actually have to do work in order to be in Columbia? Or at least blow professors regularly? Serena will forget who she has to blow and be kicked out! Minus 20. — MISSCHRISTYPOO

• What Serena failed to disclose was that she is going to Columbia’s same General Studies School that Kelly from RHONY went to — that is basically like a community college. —TARANYNY

• Why isn’t Milo in a plaid onesie? Minus 5.CHERRYJELLO

• On the other hand … Serena was wearing Milo’s onesie for dinner with a royal … Minus 5. —KDOW3

• “Henry”? “HENRY.” Minus 20. And fck you, writers. —RebeccaRose2004

• So Chuck is going by “Henry” while in Paris. Does this mean we won’t get even one “je m’appelle Chuck Bass”? Weak. Minus 20. —APATHYONMYSIDE

Minus 100 for Chuck/Henry and Eva. So here’s a multiple choice: You see a sexy shot stranger in an alleyway and you (a) take him to a hospital, (b) call a doctor of some kind, or (c) take him back to your apartment and throw some rubbing alcohol on that. ALL BETTER. —Feed_the_Ducks

• And good God, would it have killed the producers to put Chuck in a hospital? Couldn’t she have been a nurse? A candy striper, for God’s sake, would have been better than this. And more believable. But no. Of course some scraggly haired French tourist in Prague saved Chuck in a filthy room, in a seedy section of town, with gauze she just happened to have, and vodka she had lying around. Epic fail. Minus 3.Magnolia Cake 22

• And why would Lily rely on Nate “Look! A puppy!” Archilbald to track down Chuck when she must have at least ten PIs on speed dial? Minus 10. —Hookedonbass

• Plus, self-awareness doesn’t look good with Nate’s skin tone. Minus 2. —CCSEB

Minus 20 for Nate knowing Dan’s secret and actually being able to keep it. —CHIYORK

• When Georgina showed up, how come didn’t she recognize VANYA, you know, Lily’s DOORMAN??? The guy who set her up at the end of 3x05 and sent her away in Russia?? Minus 1000. —CECILE

• For two seconds when Katie Cassidy showed up, I thought she was Rachel Uchitel. (Seriously, Google image search.) Then Nate made that Tiger Woods chicken wrap comment and I thought — wow, has Nate gotten BALLSY. No dice. No points. —BLAIRISMYGRACEKELLY

• Blair would’ve recognized Louis the moment she met him. This is Blair F-ing Waldorf, people! She probably has the names, faces, and numbers in line to the throne memorized for every single royal family in Europe. This girl knows exactly how many people in the world she could possibly marry in order to get a royal title. Minus 50. —MIMI52000

• Aren’t princes still guys? Whether you dine at baccarat or burger king if you think a girl is using you, chances are you hit it then quit it. Minus 3 for assuming all young male royals have this chip on their shoulder … But plus 50 cuz ain’t no shame in Prince Harry’s game —FABULOUS_NOBODY

Earlier: Gossip Girl Recap: We Make Our Own Fairy Tales

Gossip Girl Recap of the Recap: When Do We Get the Georgina-Dorota Showdown?