Compared to last Thursday’s carnival of sex and violence, the bonus episode last night was a quiet hayride through the forest, centering on the adventures of Vinny Guadagnino, boy idiot. Way back in season one, Vinny seemed shy, decently down-to-earth, and maybe even a little mature for his age, but the trip to Miami has done wonders for bringing out his youth and stupidity. Sure, he has his moments, but ultimately he’s a 22-year-old mama’s boy who shames his mother on national television (“I am ecstatic about my mom coming to visit me in Miami. She’ll come here, she’ll clean the whole house, she’ll bring people whatever they want. She’ll put everyone before herself”) and has no clue about girls. He is responsible, however, for introducing us to his remarkable Uncle Nino, a lustful red-wine enthusiast and OG — “original guido” — who’s equal parts Paulie from the Sopranos and Sloth from The Goonies. And so, in honor of his visit, we’ll award minutes of hypothetical Uncle Nino hot-tub time to whoever seemed most sexually at ease.
Angelina: Ten Long, Unapologetic Minutes in the Hot Tub with Uncle Nino
The house wakes up and everyone calls Angelina a “hypocritical whore,” but Angelina is unfazed. “You had sex with Vinny last night?” asks JWOWW. “I’m single, what do you want me to do?” she replies. Honestly, it wouldn’t be so bad if she laid down and went to sleep for the rest of the season. She’s lucky to have handsome José, though, who’s surprisingly cool with her admission of the hookup with Vinny. She does mislead him on the definition of “hookup,” however, so if José tires of Angelina, he’s welcome to get in touch in the comments section.
Snooki: A Few Uncomfortable Seconds in the Hot Tub With Uncle Nino
Snooki pops up this episode only to sulk about Vinny hooking up with Angelina — “obviously you’re loosey-goose, because he got it in” — or to sulk about being hit in the face with a blow-up ball. She does actually get to second base with Uncle Nino, though, which must have been nice.
JWOWW: One Minute of Awkward Silence in the Hot Tub With Uncle Nino
Although JWOWW is the one who actually invites Uncle Nino in the hot tub in the first place, the fact that she does so at all — requiring the ogles of a lumpy middle-aged man with the vocabulary of a drunken kindergartner to feel sexy — betrays a gnawing sexual frustration. Also, what was Jenni doing with that Altoid at the open-air bar/café? Scraping it slowly over her lips and tongue? “Unh-hunh, unh-hunh.” What was that?
Situation: Five Minutes of Sitting on a Bench and Nervously Watching Uncle Nino in the Hot Tub by Himself
It’s hard to tell whether The Situation is more preoccupied with Angelina’s sex life or with Pauly’s. Creepily forcing Angelina to tell José about her hookup with Vinny and then calling her the Staten Island Ferry — “everyone gets a ride, and it’s free” — suggest an interest in potentially getting back on that ferry. And his commitment to living perfectly parallel sexual lives with Pauly — “Pauly’s chick is in Pauly’s bed, my chick is in my bed; Pauly’s chick is in Pauly’s sweatpants, my chick is in my sweatpants,” making out side-by-side at the club — also suggests an oddly intense sexual vicariousness. Plus, there’s the part where he made a sandwich and sat, in the dark, watching Pauly hook up with his booty call.
Pauly: One Long, Comfortable Hour in the Hot Tub With Uncle Nino
Huge thanks to Pauly for introducing us to that booty call, who came over at 6:30 a.m. and explained that she was unable to bring another girl for The Situation because “all my friends are grenades.” All my friends are grenades! Greatest line of the season? Also, unrelated, who was eating dinner with Pauly and Rosio on their date? If you look closely, you can see two other plates with cocktails and half-drunk water glasses set up. Sloppy storytelling.
Vinny: Several Minutes of Begging Uncle Nino to Join Him in the Hot Tub; Uncle Nino Refusing
Ughhhh. Vinny sucks. Despite his supposed physical blessing, Vinny has no game, and invites a girl out on a date like so: “Umm, if you want, my friend Pauly with the spiky hair, we might go to, like, a little restaurant and out afterwards. He might call some girl, and I need, like, a sympathy date. I don’t want to be left out. If you can do me that favor.” UGH. (Guys, the more a girl says “Aww” to the compliments you’re giving her, the less she’s into you.) He also dances obnoxiously around Angelina and José like some hot-stepping gremlin with his hat popped over his eyes, and when his date bails on him, he calls her back and begs her to come. Begs! Has he ever actually been on a date in his life?
Oh, and while his mother’s massive Italian dinner looked delicious, what was up with the dessert? “We got milk and we got Yodels,” Vinny explains. Yodels!
Sammi and Ron: No Minutes in the Hot Tub With Uncle Nino
Were they even in this episode at all? No? In the words of Uncle Nino, “Hallelujah!”