This week the house went back to basics, refocusing on clubbing, beaching, and GTL’ing. In the words of Situation, “If you don’t go to the gym, you don’t look good; if you don’t tan, you’re pale; and if you don’t do laundry, you ain’t got no clothes!” If A then B; C then D. The drama this week was petty enough that the main event was an incident with — and it’s horrible to even type this out, because these are adult human beings who have been successfully using the bathroom for decades — but the main event was an incident with a used feminine-hygiene product. And so, as reward/punishment, we’ll award the pads in question to whoever was the most entertaining.
Sammi and Ron: One Pad
Another beautifully dull week from Sam’Ron. They go on a date, they hit the club, they’re all “I love you,” “No, I love you,” and everything’s great. Plus they have a blast gossiping about Angelina and José while walking ten feet behind them, because one of the most rewarding things to do in a relationship is criticize other people’s relationships. As a romantic gesture, Ronnie “buys” Vinny’s discarded flowers for Sam, picking them up off the smoosh-room bed, saying, “God only knows what’s on these, they’ve been on the bed for three hours — you’ve got my children on there, Mike’s children. You’ve got Snooki juice.” Nice. Sam earns the couple their lone pad for calling out Situation on his nauseatingly skeezy phone manners: “You 100 percent creep me out.” Seriously. Mike is perhaps the human embodiment of Rohypnol.
Vinny: One Pad
Aw, Vinny’s still sad from his dream girl standing him up on their fancy date. Oh well. How cute did Vinny and Pauly look playing paddle ball in the water and burying each other in the sand? Fairly cute!
JWOWW: Two Pads
Jenni’s long-suffering boyfriend Tom comes to visit this week. Yaay! She’s instantly in the doghouse, though, because Tom discovers an off-limits phone number in her phone book. Noo! Jenni wins him back by picking his nose until he smiles, and then he picks her nose, and everything’s fine. They have sex while Snooki’s sleeping, but then out of nowhere Snooki grabs their feet, pulls the covers down, and runs away.
Snooki: Two Pads
It was an off episode for Snooki. Despite multiple dudes hitting on her at the club, Nicole mostly sleeps all week, frequently in sunglasses. “Do you always sleep with sunglasses on?” asks Tom, voicing what everyone else was yelling at their TV. Snook’s also got vaginas on the brain, again calling Angelina a “loosey-goose” because she “got it in” with Vinny, and then telling JWOWW about a time she hurt her own vagina: “Did you ever get kicked in the coo-ca? … I ran into a house. I was like, boom, and I was like, ‘my coo-ca!’ I thought I broke my vagina bone.” So, imagine Snooki hitting a house with her vagina.
Pauly: Three Pads
Is Pauly ever in a bad mood? No! And that’s why Pauly’s the best. And he is rewarded: “How the hell did I wake up with my hair still done?” he asks himself, smiling. Also, hopefully “Time to wake up! I almost seen your coo-ca! You have a nail appointment!” has already been programmed into someone’s alarm clock. The whole putting-Samantha’s-note-on-Ronnie’s-pillow thing seemed beneath him, though, but Pauly can basically do no wrong. Pauly, Pauly, Pauly! When will you and JWOWW please fall in love?
Angelina: Five Pads!
As a special birthday treat to José, Angelina invites him out for dinner with Sammi and Ron. What a gift!!! She then welcomes him into the smoosh room, where she falls immediately to sleep. Happy birthday, José, what a nice evening for you. (Poor crazy Angelina, though. What kind of a life will she have? Not in regard to the not-sleeping-with-José part, which is fine, but just in general. What an unpleasant young woman!) The next day, however, she lies and says she did sleep with José, and everyone calls her a whore. Again. Then her doppelgänger buddy Gina shows up, who comes bearing jewelry and dresses from Angelina’s mom. When Angelina’s mom calls to check that she got the gifts (also, ha-ha, the mom doesn’t recognize Angelina’s voice on the phone), Angelina starts crying and runs away. Gina takes the phone: “She just walked away. She’s crying — I don’t know why. I think she misses you.” Angelina’s mom: “She’s crying? I don’t want her crying. Are the dresses too tight, maybe?” Ha-ha-ha. Yes, the dresses are probably just too tight. Perpetually, and for the rest of her life, the dresses will always be too tight for Angelina. (“Dresses” = “crippling self-hatred.”) And, of course, at some point Angelina leaves the infamous dirty pad on the bathroom floor, which is inexcusably revolting.
Situation: Six Pads!
Hits and misses this week for Mike Situation. He almost locks down a DTF girl at the club — a real winner, who, in response to “You’re hot,” affirms “Thank you, I’m a model!” — but at the last minute she gets away. Fortunately, Ms. DTF is eventually able to find the house, which is incredible, because surely reality-TV houses are carefully hidden and no one knows where they are. Perhaps she is a model and a detective. Situation also heads up the home and personal maintenance effort, leading the boys on a round of GTL before cleaning the house and discovering the DP, dirty pad. Which he identifies as a dirty tampon and carefully places under Angelina’s pillow, which is almost but not quite as disgusting as leaving it on the floor in the first place. When Angelina discovers it, she’s with new Mike — poor, terrified, frozen-smile new Mike, the cute-ish dude Angelina found on the beach — so she has to play it cool. “Did he fuck with my belongings?” she asks, looking under her pillow and finding a dirty pad. “Yes, he fucked with my stuff,” she says, neatly putting the pillow BACK ON TOP of the dirty pad. Poor new Mike. He does deliver the best facial expression of the episode, however, while sitting silently as Angelina and Situation scream at each other about the unspeakable DP. Yells Situation, “Angelina, maybe if you wouldn’t leave a bloody fucking tampon on the floor — what world do you live in where a bloody, dirty tampon — you’re the dirtiest girl I’ve ever met.” At which point: