gossip girl

The Gossip Girl Recap of the Recap: A Declaration of War

This week you all seemed to appreciate the return of The Greatest Show of Our Time to its scheming roots. You were all quick to point out that the way to a Humphrey’s heart is through waffles and not pancakes — shame on you Abrams — and that Juliet’s story line has more holes than Serena’s dress. You loathed Good Chuck, swooned over Nate’s gullibility, and were very relieved to see Fleur get on her broom and fly back to Hogwarts where she belongs. But what really got you going was the declaration of war between our beloved star-crossed lovers Chuck and Blair. So while everyone chooses teams and prepares for the posh Upper East Side version of WWIII, here’s the recap of the recap to tide you over until it unfolds, compiled by the lovely, albeit slightly neurotic, Stiletto33.

Realer Than Even Serena Admitting That She’s Easy
• The look of joy on Blair’s face as she gleefully smashed her watch was wonderful. Blair in sleuthing mode = pig in poop. +10 —CELLARDOOR

• For a (very) hot second, I thought Chuck was going to aggressively make out with his valet in that dark hallway. THEN fire him. Writers, make that happen. —DIGNELL

• Bye Fleur. See you when you marry Bill Weasley in November. —ILUDYTHINK

• When Chuck declared war on Blair, it suddenly got really hot in my room. Just me….? God, I love the chemistry between these two. +500 —MYSTICAL

• +3 for Nate never questioning Juliet about the missing package. You’d think he could think more clearly in formal wear without his manbangs weighing him down, but there was too much crystal and too many shiny surfaces to balance it out. Never change, Nate, never change. —BROOKLYN_FOR_LIFE

• Chuck’s favourite thing seems to be giving considerable sums of money to shady women whose names begin with “E”. One of whom was his actual mother. It’s Oedipus o’clock! +50 for keeping the Chuck-as-Hamlet thing going well into Season 4. —ASWELLTHEYMIGHT

• Vanessa is now homeless. Her wardrobe choices all her life have prepared her for this exact moment. +5 —TAMMYXCORE

• Did Nate use a pout voice on Dan to get the secret out of him? +3 points cuz when you got it, you got it. —FABULOUS_NOBODY

• Serena gives Dan a task to do on the computer for Blair, but instead of sitting next to him and helping him, she poses on the armrest of the couch so she can maximize the length of her legs in his view. +2 for pulling out all the stops. —BETABLAIR

• +5 for Blair showing up like a poltergeist over chuck’s shoulder the second he leaves Eva. —PENGUINFAN07

• Chuck to Blair: “You just can’t stand to see someone finally change me, and it wasn’t you.” Now Chuck is employing Blair’s tactical use of crippling insults that aren’t necessarily true but definitely land. Plus 10. —NAVYWIFE

• The bird mobile over Milo’s crib and the birds over Serena’s bed look very similar. Makes sense. —CHIYORK

• REAL: In a desperate attempt to win Dan over, and to prove she’s just as bohemian as Vanessa, Serena prepares for the gala by awkwardly braiding a gigantic chunk of her hair. That’ll do the trick. +20. —EYESIQ

• Blair and Serena look like two tortured princesses in the last shot. This isn’t Skakespeare, ladies, but it’s oh so typical of you. Plus 2. —MEMY

• Plus 5 for how Nate immediately rejects the possibility of Juliet dating other people. That “No” contained a world of subtext, including, “Wait, I‘m prettier than she is, doesn’t that mean I’m the one allowed to cheat? —HOOKEDONBASS

Faker Than a Humphrey Being Won Over by Pancakes
• So Chuck’s British valet is a Mets fan? I’m not a New Yorker, nor British, but this doesn’t seem right at all. Clearly Chuck is a Yankees fan, they both adore pin stripes! Minus 5. —ENLIVEN

• -50 for Vanessa getting all holier-than-thou on Dan and Serena. If all she ever wanted was Dan, then how does she explain Nate and Chuck and the gay theater guy and the brother in Boston and Hillary Duff and RUFUS? (and I’m sure I’m forgetting a few others, aren’t I?) —MAGGIEBEX

• Eva spitefully calls Blair a liar. B*tch please, you just got caught in two pretty major lies today. You are in no position to judge. —CHUCKISMYPUPPY

• Why is Blair so terrified by war with Chuck? From where I’m sitting it’s just rough S&M and bow tie bombing. Minus 20. —KDOW3

• Watching Chuck run up the stairs after Eva was strange, shouldn’t he be able to float up them like Count Dracula? -3. —COUNTRYMAEVE

• -20, Because even if Nate DID get lost on his way to the bathroom and wind up in Chuck’s closet, he still would’ve known to keep his hands off the purple pants.
Those are Bass’ pants, Archibald. —GRAPEKOOLAID

• I was hoping the charity Chuck was going to give 5 million dollars to would be Hookers for Jesus -10. —SARCASTICMEOW

• Juliet suggesting that she and Vanessa “do a lap” is a direct reference to “Let’s do a lap before we commit to a location.” How dare the writers even pretend to suggest a reference to the great Cher Horowitz! That skank could not touch Cher. Minus 10. I am appalled. —CBGIRL

• Also, I will accept my 5 points for correctly ID-ing Eva as a ho now. Although how did Chuckles the whore whisperer not spot that? Is it because Eva isn’t a twin? -5 —TRUMPETSTRUMPET

• They can send text messages in jail? Minus 5. —JNP1013

• Of course Dan was pissed at Vanessa for making pancakes. Dan only eats waffles. And Vanessa, apparently, only eats heroine. Someone give that girl a cheeseburger, er, a veggie burger! -15 pounds. —CHUCKBASSISMYBABYDADDY

• If Chuck thought he was weak before (“I love you too”), what would Bart think of nice Chuck??? Donating $5 mil to puppies??? -10. —LPISANIELLO

• -20 for Blair (or anyone really) thinking that Eva being a prostitute would be a deal breaker for Chuck. It should be more shocking that there is actually a prostitute that Chuck DOESN’T know. —FEED_THE_DUCKS

• Chuck’s passport picture: he did NOT look like that in 2006. Minus 2. He would be pale, smirking, wearing pastels, triple popped collars, and The Scarf. Of course the State would allow the explosion of colors and layers in his photo because—yeah yeah we know, he’s Chuck Bass. —SIGNATURESCARF

Interested in doing a recap of the recap? We’re looking for volunteers! E-mail alexandra.martell[at]nymag.com with subject line “We don’t need passports.”

The Gossip Girl Recap of the Recap: A Declaration of War