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The Gossip Girl Recap of the Recap: Classy and Somewhat True

Oh, Dan.

As usual, you had a lot to say about this week’s episode of The Greatest Show of Our Time. You agreed with us that this episode fell heavily in the realm of fake, though one of you did make an excellent point about Gossip Girl’s own transition into college life being quite realistic. So let’s laugh with Chuck, cry with Vanessa, and see what you had to add to our recap, compiled this week by Whitelightwh.

Realer Than Serena Having a Drink With Someone She Knows Is a Skeazbag
• Nate taking Dan with him for STD testing cause they’re worried they shared something that one time over the summer where there was too much to drink and, well they don’t like to talk about it +20 —KITTYFISH

• “Oh. There you are.” Blair says 4 *ding*s after the woman appears. Plus 5 as someone with a frumpy ponytail and a wrinkle-resistant shirt in working class blue might as well be invisible to B. —FABULOUS_NOBODY

• Juliet convinces Nate to get tested for potentially dormant STDs because ”I’m a girl, I paid attention in health class.” Plus 5, because even she knows that Nate was probably too high and/or suffering from manbang-impaired vision to learn anything in health class. —IMNOTSLYDEXIC

• Dan secretly misses Serena so much, he’s unconsciously growing his own cleavage rhombus. +10 —PURPLEANDPAISLEY

• When new guy says “I’m guessing you’re a size 8?” a look of horror crosses Serena’s face where she clearly thinks he means her waist, not her feet. +10, because for her that would be an unthinkable disgrace.” —CELLARDOOR

• Lily is out of town looking at schools with Eric? Oh Rufus, she fooled you again. +10. —CHESTERCOPPERPOT

• Did anyone else notice how hard Juliet checked out Serena’s boobs towards the end? +2 Even when your character is supposed to be against S, those things are powerful enough to rewrite a storyline. —NIKOLE0602

• Two thumbs up for Jessica Szor’s Method acting - tears AND snot! +5 —CCSEB

• Vanessa “slept in the other room last night,” meaning presumably that she stormed off and climbed into Milo’s crib, sucking her thumb. Plus 4. —PURPLEANDGREEN

• Am I wrong or did Chuck refer to Eva as “the thing” he cares for most? Plus 2 because that’s what I call her. —GIPSYQUEEN

• Don’t Vanessa’s parents live on a commune in Vermont or something? Her mother only comes to visit like once every three years. Plus 1 because I am glad they have finally given up on even trying to convince us these kids go to school. Plus another 5 if we don’t see her for a very long while. And Plus 25 if Jenny decides to move up there with her so she can slut it up in Exeter or something. —JNP1013

• After years and years of Blair refusing any form of carbs, Dorota looks absolutely manic at the chance to offer scones to Martha. Plus 5. —HANNAH1721

• Serena was so p.o.’d at losing her cab that she continued her manic eye roll at mad men rapist doctor until she broke the fourth wall. She knows she has an audience! +10 —CRABTREEACRES

• Whoever Gossip Girl is, you can totally tell she’s in college now and way too busy to care about her gossip site. She used to take time to make her blasts look presentable with cute pictures and unobtrusive fonts, and now they look like the list of happy hour specials at a Mexican restaurant. Where once she carefully horded information to verify and use in some logical manner, she’s now just sending along any rumor or streaming cell phone video that comes her way. Plus 5, and plus another 5 for later in the season when she gets obsessed with some guy who does mock trial and just starts forwarding any e-mails she gets to her whole distribution list. —EMMYLOSER

Faker Than a Father Having Fewer Wrinkles Than His Teenage Children
• Nate played Scrabble?? I don’t think so. And as a way to hopefully seduce a woman? Talk about not playing to your strengths - it seems highly unlikely that any girl would get turned on by a guy repeatedly coming up with words like ‘hey’ or ‘boob.’ -10 —AMBIGUITY

• Minus 10 for the return of Chuck’s scarf not being CHUCK’S SCARF. Unacceptable. —WONDERMENT

• Minion #2 made a Palin dossier, thinks she can take on Blair at some point in the future, and was at least 3 paces short of Blair’s 10 pace command. That one was clearly chosen for her ability to look good in primary colors, not her blinding intellect. Minus 5 —HOOKEDONBASS

• Oh, and if Chuck really wanted to leave Blair with “nothing,” wouldn’t he go for Dorota first? -5 —4JD

• I know the tragedy that is Vanessa’s hair is nothing new, but what the HELL was that doublewide beehive she was sporting on her head last night?? Her Hair is like a parody of real hair. -10 —SUZANNACABANNA

• Minus 5 for the fact that everyone forgot Dorota’s baby. Minus another 5 because everyone also includes her. —NYILOVEU

• Why would Juliet and Vanessa be checking Serena’s phone in the middle of a hallway at a gala when anyone (Serena included) could walk by? This is a secret society house. There should be any number of private rooms and hidden passageways upstairs which were DESIGNED for exactly this kind of espionage. Minus 1. —IMBLAIRBASS

• Minus 30 for Vanessa not throwing down with Juliet after Vanessa was cell phone framed. You know all that wood and plastic jewelry has combat purposes for a situation such as this. —KDOW3

• What’s with everyone pawning off things they would DEFINITELY have to do in person? “Tell the dean I quit” - uhhh, pretty sure a professor would have a more thorough resignation process. “Sign me and Serena up for that class” - sure, because you can just register for other people at college. No need to be present and show your student ID or anything… -5 —EXUWSIDER

• Serena looks like she’s wearing silly bands in her hair. Minus 2 —ONCEUPONATIME

• -5 for Blair taking so much crap from Chuck…where did her plan B go? She needs to up her game…she should either stop staying in the same house as Serena or start wearing her headbands again. —ANINDIANGGFAN

• -2 b/c Vanessa never did get those appetizers that she clearly needs —CHANTELCEN

• Nate “New Matteo sheets…” No, writers, no. Nate is a thoroughbred preppy boy and would not drop brand-names. Please see The Original Preppy Handbook. Minus 5. —BIRKIN_BAG

• Am I the only one who can’t imagine Chuck eating pizza much less making his own? I’m not entirely sure what I think he eats. A balanced diet of scotch and “pie” comes to mind. Or maybe he feeds off newborns. Just not pizza, no. —TAMMYXCORE

The Gossip Girl Recap of the Recap: Classy and Somewhat True