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Gossip Girl Recap Recap: Everyone Drank and No One Appeared to Buy Anything

Well, we learned some things about you Gossip Girl fans last week. You are merciless and you don’t read one another’s comments. Doing the recap recap this week was actually pretty simple, because 30 percent of your contributions were repetitions of the phrase: “THE RECAP IS BROKEN.” But! There was some brilliance nestled in the crevices between complaints and accusations! Observations on the nature of forgiveness and forgetfulness, for example. And musings on the nature of parent-child relationships. And insights on the color of Eric’s lip gloss and vests! Read on to find out who was the cleverest of the clever this week. If any people could figure out how to live-stream video from your cell phone to hundreds of others, it would be you guys.

Realer Than Dan Letting Go of That Baby Faster Than You Can Spell the Word “Oligarch”:

• Plus 100 to Eva for demonstrating that a person may be non-wealthy and still not whine endlessly about inequalities between their and the UES’s “worlds”. —PurpleandGreen

• Ah, poor Jennie. Your dad sells you out to retain his stay at home husband status, your family gave your room up to someone else’s baby who moved out a day later, and really you’re just a plot device to give Eric screen time this episode. +1. —SusannaCabana

• Serena thinks Nate can walk her to class? Talk about the blind leading the blind. But, it’s Serena so +1. —SouthernComfort

• Plus 50 for the glance Serena throws at her boobs after Nate brings up her tendancy to cheat and dissapear. “Come on, you got me into this mess, now activate your powers of bedazzlement and get me out!” —HookedOnBass

• +30 for Milo’s “eff this noise” look as Dan and Vanessa decided not to put him up for adoption. You could see him realizing that he was going to spend the rest of his life home schooled and dressed in plaid. I was surprised he didn’t throw himself under the wheels of the baby carriage. —Feed_The_Ducks

— There’s a lot of street noise by me in warm weather, so I watch tv with the captioning on. Last night, before a Serena line, it actually read, “speaks indistinctly” +100 to the captioning people, but that should be with nearly every Serena line.—TooOldForThis

• Everyone drank and no one appeared to buy anything on FNO +10. —ChesterCopperPot

• Hamish Bowles exit’s as Chuck Bass enters, because even the director knew that both those suits in one screen was too much for anyone to handle. Plus 50 —Hoover19

• Finally Chuck found his dental soul mate in Eva. Plus 30.

• Also, Eric makes his return in a salmon button-down and a faint sign of lip color. +10 —RomanCompanion

• Dan only agrees to let Milo go with Georgina because he can’t figure out how to keep Milo and Serena apart. Milo - like many males before him - would be dying for a reservation at that breastaraunt. frat boys may see legs. Milo sees lunch. +1 point —FabulousNobody

• Lily and Chuck have perfected the WASP familial hug that shows affection without actual physical contact. Plus 2. —CCSEB

Faker Than Serena Living Anywhere But Her Billionaire Mother’s Apartment:

• -1000 for Eric’s outrage over Jenny sleeping with Chuck. Sure, he is allowed to still be mad about the whole ‘attempted rape’ thing, but that was back when Jenny was sweet and innocent. Jenny the Goth Racoon went to Chuck’s bed willingly, with her eyes wide open. —TheNext MrsBass

• Also, where exactly does Serena live? Why can’t she live at her own apartment? Blair is suddenly putting her up like she’s Vanessa? Minus 5. —BlondinScrubs

• Plus 5 for bisexual Elliot, who used to have a girlfriend but now dates Eric, being at Yale. But then minus 5 because that means Eric will have no storylines this season, except one episode where Elliot comes back for Christmas and tells Eric he’s in a committed relationship with a TA. After all, this is a guy who brought his girlfriend to Dorota’s wedding with the pretty specific intent of either breaking up with or cheating on her there. —EmmyLoser

• And really, Gossip Girl writers? Eric is furious with Chuck for sleeping with Jenny? Remember how happy Eric was to have Chuck as a brother, and they used to hang out and tell each other secrets, even though Chuck had already tried to rape Jenny? Chuck was really like family while Bart and Lily were married. And remember Jenny, who was an uberbitch all last season, and tried to destroy Lily’s marriage to Rufus? But Eric is siding with Jenny? Really? Remember how Jenny ruined Eric’s relationship with Jonathan with her Queen Bee behavior? Not to mention that she had also dated Eric’s previous secret boyfriend? And sold him out time and again for her own social-climbing agenda? So really, it’s Chuck, who was losing the love of his life, who took advantage of Jenny, who was just pissed that all her schemes blew up in her heavily-mascaraed face? Really? Minus 100. —EmmyLoser

• -5 for Eva wearing that stupid French peasant dress whenever she feels poor. It’s just too much Mr Costume Designer. —ManBangsArchibald

&38226; -50 points for the mystery man in prison NOT being Jack Bass. —AnnieInNYC

• So does Chuck not have a limp or cane at all anymore? Is New York magic like the island on Lost?! If so, where’s Vincent? —TrumpetStrumpet

• Minus 30 for Serena’s “Uncle Jesse” hair. Just because she’s been living like the french for the last three months doesn’t mean she needs to carry those unhygienic traditions home. —KDOW3

• How short is Fleur, she was wearing flats and Chuck is still taller? Her being a hobbit would explain the peasant hands. —TheMissingScarf

Gossip Girl Recap Recap: Everyone Drank and No One Appeared to Buy Anything