Well, this episode was terrible. Save yourself some time and don’t read this recap, and, if at all possible, go back in time and unwatch this episode. Everything about it was awful, and should we even watch season three? Yes, but also definitely no. They’re all such idiots. And so, as punishment — because surely the show’s whole cast is reading and will feel very saddened by this — we’ll distribute Mike’s barfed-up frog legs from their Last Supper–style Everglades meal to whoever was the most entertaining.
Vinny: No Barfed-Up Frog Legs
Vinny makes a surprise appearance at the bottom of the barrel this week, thanks in part to his pathetic date with stupid Ramona — painful to watch her quiet, restrained revulsion. How old is she, anyway? Ever the cool dude, Vinny tells her, “When I’m not hanging out with you, I don’t want to do anything else.” Hot!
Sammi: One Barfed-Up Frog Leg
Sammi Sweetheart is a sad, needy little weirdo. It was nice to see her get her hair wet in the hot tub, though. We’d have assumed she was one of those ladies who never get their hair wet. So, that’s the main thing she’s got going for her. That she gets her hair wet. On her last-night date with Ron — at a completely empty restaurant in the middle of the day? — she picks a fight and then tells him, “Let me make this clear to you — I like to be with my boyfriend at all times.” Another totally cool dude. She’s also a stubborn idiot who, when pressed to help make dinner, does so in the most sarcastic, hateful way possible. Toxic-sludge woman.
Ron: One Barfed-Up Frog Leg
Ron’s only virtue this week is patience. With Sam, with Situation, with Pauly. Blah, blah, blah. He eats a lollipop, which is gross. Guys shouldn’t eat lollipops. Neither should ladies. Lollipops are for children.
Snooki: Two Barfed-Up Frog Legs
Snooki screams and wails and wails and screams. Our notes from the middle of her idiotic argument with Jenni read, “Oh my God, their VOICES ARE SO AWFUL,” and some part of our brain shuts off at this point. Snooki gets credit, or something, for noticing the crow that shows up at the end as they’re all waiting to leave: “A crow comes and start quacking at us … usually when a crow comes and it does that, it means you’re gonna die, it’s warning you of your death.” Does it/is it?
Pauly: Three Barfed-Up Frog Legs
Pauly got weird this episode, no? Scream-barking at Snooki, revealing a side of his we wish had stayed hidden. But, rewinding, “Oh yeah, Everglades, yeah.” He then goes on the boringest date with Rocio — does he take her to a club for dinner? An empty club? — and doesn’t even try to “smash it out” because “she’s not that kind of chick.” Fair enough, but boringgggg. Also from Pauly: “How do you spell ‘likely’?”
JWOWW: Four Barfed-Up Frog Legs
We hate to give our close personal friend JWOWW any barfed-up frog legs at all, because clearly they upset her and we’re sensitive to her preferences, but, anyway, she gets four barfed-up frog legs. Even Jenni fails to bring much to the table this week, with her absurd fight with Pauly and Snooki over fakeness (ugh) and whatever the hell that nonsense was. She earns all her BUFLs by making this face, however, upon learning of Situation’s unspeakably disgusting threesome encounter in a public bathroom:
Yes, exactly. We’ve also never spoken “aloud” our interest in the fact that Jenni’s wearing blue contacts in the introduction credits, but she does, and it’s interesting. Anyway, good-bye, Jenni.
The Situation: Six Barfed-Up Frog Legs
We have to hand it to Situation — as horrible as he is, he’s at least consistently entertaining. He eats frog legs and barfs them up nonchalantly. Steals Vinny’s grenades and makes out with one in a way that literally makes us scream alone in our house, shuttling them into the bathroom, doing something that we don’t even want to think about. What does the camera crew do during a moment like that?
Later, during the endless, moronic group fight that makes us not want to watch this show ever again, Situation basically reveals he’s in love with Pauly, whining on and on about how JWOWW was trying to “break up” their friendship. Then Ronnie addresses the fact that Vinny committed a “robbery” on Pauly, stealing him from Situation. Get a rooooooom, youuu guyyys. And that about wraps it up. A disappointing end to an otherwise amusing season.
Beep beep, cabs are here.