Recently we sat down with 30 Rock star and World Champion Judah Friedlander to talk about his hats, the show, and his new martial-arts book, How to Beat Up Anybody. In discussing his self-defense guide, he warned that there are some moves the average reader won’t be able to learn. “Some things in the book are things you’ll never be able to do. Like levitating six feet in the air then flying down 40 feet, you won’t be able to do that,” he admits. But, as this is an “instructional and inspirational” book, he assures that many moves can be learned with the proper training. For example, check out this excerpt specifically designed for women called “Battling Streetcreeps at Night.” Forewarned is forearmed!
“The creepiest of the creeps come out at night. But they’re also the most cowardly. They don’t have the balls to attack during the day.”
“Nightperverts usually attack from behind with a choke hold. Do not be overcome with fear. Fighters fight best when they are not afraid.”
“Do not try to break his choke hold using your hands. A kick to the shin will free you up from the street rapist’s grip.”
“Study this close-up for proper technique. Separate your big toe from your other toes for twice the foot power.”
“Streetbarf like this scumtoilet can usually deliver a hit, but they can’t take a hit.”
“Male streetgoons never work on their eyeball strength or eyelid reflexes. Temporarily blind him and knock him down with a double-finger poke.”
“Leave him on the ground with the rest of the garbage and let the streetroaches eat him.”
“Nightcreeps are more desperate than daycreeps, so they’re more resilient.”
“This creep is crazy enough to think that you would enjoy this and that it’s all part of a twisted foreplay.”
“Ram your knee into his butt cavity before he can kiss you. Do not let him pollute your womanhood.
Point your index finger to measure current wind conditions.”
“Gracefully escape while he writhes in pain. It’s important to keep your feminine dignity intact and stay glamorous while you’re being sexually assaulted.”
“Launch a soaring-sandal stomp.”
“But do a butt-bomb instead. In a fight you have to use your brain. And sometimes you have to use your butt.”
“Crack his head on a concrete wall edge.”
“Lug him over to some scaffolding. Stick his head through a triangular opening and sever his neck tendons.”
“Continue your retribution. Open-toed sandals are great for climbing scaffolding.”
“I call this move ‘Street Justice.’”
“This move requires really firm thighs. This towering street mutant is not used to getting attacked from above.”
“The moral of this photo is ‘never stop attacking.’ It’s safe to go home now. He is 100% defenseless and 200% offenseless. But keep doing this all night.”
