1. Camille Hits Some Balls With a Very Athletic Guy
Camille: When Kelsey’s not around, I hang out with his “athletic” friends. Know what I mean? Like this Nick guy here. He’s such a dear friend that just thinking about him makes me close my eyes and hug my bosoms. Look, here I am showing him how flexible I am! Here he is laughing uncomfortably and awkwardly referencing my “glutes”! It doesn’t count as talking about my ass if he calls it my “glutes.”
2. Adrienne Summons Paul to the Library With a Candlestick
Adrienne: Check it out, husband. It says right here on the computer that Jay-Z is performing at the Palms, and now I have to pretend I care.
Paul: Great, now I have to pretend I care.
Adrienne: Apparently, our deal is that I’m supposed to act like I’m always trying to get away from you, which is crazy because who would hold my purse?
Paul: I know. So I guess now I have to beg you to tag along until you reluctantly agree?
Adriennne: It’s for a good cause. The Maloof brand.
Paul: Okay, fine. Why don’t we all go to Vegas, honey?
Adrienne: Hey, that sounds like an episode! The concert is probably sold out, but I can still get people to give me anything I want because my vast wealth intimidates people into kowtowing to me.
Paul: It sure intimidates me, but I like it. What does Maloof mean, anyway? Is it French for “Bad Egg”?
Adrienne: No, it’s Turkish for “I ate too much nougat and now I can’t get up.” Okay, so now I will pretend that this crazy sound we’re hearing is your shoes, and not actually your thighs rubbing together amplified tenfold for comic effect.
3. Camille Gets to Have Fun for Once in her Life
Adrienne: Weekend in Vegas?
Camille: Kelsey’s away doing his thing in New York — work or whatever — and I thought, You know, why not? Why not do something for me for once? I mean — I have needs! I have desires! I wasn’t just put on this Earth to toil in the shadow of Kelsey Grammer! It’s not fair! It’s not fair! I’m ALWAYS doing EVERYTHING for EVERYBODY else! Think about it. Those surrogates would have never given birth to my kids if it weren’t for me. And my nannies? Don’t even get me started.
4. Lisa Finds Another Wormhole to the Eighties Just in Time for Lunch
Lisa: Oh, chef, chef! I’m bringing my “friends” here to my Beverly Hills restaurant and I want to make sure you feed them nothing but raw meat.
Chef: Yes, I’m familiar with your species of friend.
Lisa: I want everything to be perfect for them, even though I’ll proceed to mock them openly. I mean, Russell? Is she serious? No wonder she has sex with pudding. Oh my God, everything in this whole place is a lie. Did I just say that? Mmmm, I love lies. Mwah. Mwah.
5. Enter Kim, Kyle, Camille, and Maloof With Their Significant Others, Loneliness, Maurizio, Looming Absence, and Paul
Kyle: Hey, everybody, my totally depressed and financially unstable sister has a date tonight, so I think now’s a good time to publicly humiliate her and undermine her confidence in order to ensure the date goes badly. I do this because her sadness nourishes me and keeps my skin plump and firm. My happiness is dependent upon her unhappiness.
Camille: My kid is sick with the stomach flu! And Kelsey’s not around to help! It’s so hard to be sitting here eating lunch while his two nannies mop up the vomit! You don’t know how hard it is.
Kim: All I can say is it’s a good thing the window in my room doesn’t open.
6. Taylor and Russell Kick Back in Their Las Vegas Hotel Room
Russell: Where’s the mini-bar? I can’t stand to be sober around you.
Taylor: Look, I really wanted to marry for love as opposed to marrying Russell. But in the end I went my dream of becoming a long-lease whore. What are you gonna do? The kind of guy who holds your hand at parties is usually not the same kind of guy who can afford to drop $10K in space-age polymers for each of your lips. That’s life. And I need these lips. In the event of a plane crash.
7. Kim Swans Around Her Suite in Despair, Bovary on the Strip
Kim: Okay, I lied at lunch. I am not happy by myself. I am quite mired in despair. I stalk around this hotel room, turning on the lights to banish the ghosts. Ghosts of love! I want someone to grow old with like Lisa and her grandfather. My sisters have husbands, why don’t I? I was quite famous! I hate my sister Kyle. I must call her! I must call her now and tell her I love her! Voice mail! I’ll tell her I love her again! Oh, how my body jumps and starts! What exquisite, exquisite pain!
8. Dinnertime! In Which the Couples Discuss Their Couple Origin Stories
Kim: Will you please stop rubbing it in?
Paul: On our first date, Adrienne said she’d make me a great dinner, so she shows up with a frozen chicken breast, undercooks it, throws it on a plate with nothing else, and then sits there reading a book while her little dog yaps at me. I thought, Wow, she’d be a great mother — like, a defenseless infant left under her care would perish of starvation, neglect, or salmonella poisoning within minutes. Of course, she’s so rich it overrides all other traits, which is really the point I’m making here.
Maurizio: That’s beautiful. It reminds me of Kyle’s nurturing qualities. Hey, why are you kicking me?
Paul: How about you, Camille?
Camille: Kelsey’s agent pimped me out. He got 10 percent.
Taylor: I spotted Russell across a crowded room and had to have him. It was his animal magnetism drew me to him, not the extensive research I’d done on his net worth, habits, and whereabouts.
Lisa discreetly coughs her tuna sashimi into her fist.
9. Dance Party! In Which Camille Mimes the How, Where, and Why of Kelsey’s Proposal
Lisa, Adrienne, Kim, Taylor, Kyle: Slut.
10. Poolside, Wherein Camille, Wrapped in a Robe, Further Elucidates the How, Where and Why of Kelsey’s Proposal and Saves Her Big Reveal for Last
Camille: Hey, everybody! Look at my bod! Now weep! God, women can be so catty the day after their husbands shove money in my cleavage. That’s why I prefer hanging out with guys. They’re fun and laid-back. They’re simple. Also, they shove money in my cleavage and appreciate my funny breast-related anecdotes, unlike their catty wives.
Lisa, Adrienne, Kim, Taylor, Kyle: Slut.
11. Later at Dinner … Very Athletic Guy Shows Up
Camille: Ooh, Nick, what are you doing here? C’mere, let me fondle you in front of all these assholes, now I can make everyone jealous.
Lisa, Adrienne, Kim, Kyle: Slut.
12. As the Evening Winds Down, Taylor Pleasures Her Dessert, Camille Sneaks Off to Do Sports, Russell Decides Taylor Has Had Enough and Removes Her From the Party
The remaining housewives feel cozy and, smug: At least their husbands are not assholes.
Then they feel worried: Because Camille kind of is.
13. Epilogue: Kyle and Farrah Shop for Jeans/Lisa and Camille Shop for Ratings
Kyle to Farrah: So, Camille said that I interrogated her about going to Hawaii alone and then insinuated that nobody would care about her without Kelsey there.
Camille to Lisa: She insinuated that nobody would care about me without Kelsey there! I’m my own Grammer-unrelated individual!
Kyle to Farrah: Which is kind of funny because actually, what I was insinuating was that she was going to go to Hawaii with that Very Athletic Guy. To do sports.
Farrah to Kyle: Wow, adulthood. It’s like high school with Restylane.
Kyle to Farrah: Pretty much.