Andy: This is the Real Housewives of DC reunion. We’re at the very grand Historical Society with these people.
Topic 1: Greetings
Andy: Hi Cat.
Andy: Lynda, how are you?
Lynda: I am doing stratospherically well. The human mind is simply not equipped to grasp the enormity of my awe-inspiring wellness, which I like to brandish like a weapon. I call it competitive well-being. If you’re not intimidated, cowed or diminished by it, you just haven’t understood it.
Andy: Mary, hi.
Andy: Hi Stacie. How are you?
Stacie: Ooooh, I’m fantastic. Know what I mean?
Andy: Michaele, I assume you’re also
Michaele: Great! Ready for bitch attack!
Topic 2: Politics
Andy: So, let’s warm up by talking politics. What side are you on?
Mary: I’m a Republican, clearly.
Lynda: I’m a Republican but I voted for Obama because it actually makes no sense that I’m a Republican.
Cat: I’m British.
Topic 3: Does Michaele really have MS ?
Andy: Okay, that was boring. Let’s talk about how you all think Michaele is using her so-called illness for promotional reasons, even though you’d all do the same thing in her place. Michaele, why’d you announce it now?
Michaele: Do you have to ask?
Lynda: Kill her!
Michaele: Lynda, your hatred of me has veered into pathology. Not that I mind. It’s making me look better by the second.
Lynda: I’ve spoken to doctors about whether you’re actually sick. I have literally looked up doctors and called them and wasted their time trying to out you as a medical fraud. And based on what I’ve told them, their professional diagnosis is whatever. You’re fine. For an anorexic. With severe psychological problems.
Michaele: Beauty comes within and peace comes within. And once they’re in there, they mate. Then nest and chew through the electrical wiring.
Lynda: You can spin all your little stories and avoid the question, but I’ve been approached by several members of the press and what I said was Paul needs to shop for you in the children’s department because I was concerned about your health and you eat filet mignon every day. On the MS diet you’re not supposed to eat protein! I don’t think you’re normal! Oh my god I have no idea what I am saying anymore.
Andy: Do any of you think Michaele isn’t bullshitting? I need a pile-up here.
Stacie: I’m not in a position to judge thaaaat…
Michaele: I have secretly helped the MS society for 12 years. Which means I have helped them in disguise!
Mary: Good! Then make it public and use your newfound but surely lasting megafame as a platform! Oh shit. Did I just totally reverse our position on this?
Lynda: Total 360, sweetie. But I’m going to pretend you didn’t. Just keep attacking.
Mary: Because you’re really famous! Seriously famous! You’re so famous that your doctor should hold some kind of press conference or televised event or something confirming your diagnosis. The public is demanding accountability.
Stacie: Yes, let’s face the facts. A large segment of population — men ages 24-44 and women 35 and up, plus tall people and people who like ham — are suspicious…
Michaele: I’ve had an outpouring of love! The love poured all over my Facebook. I’m still trying to remove the residue!
Stacie: No, they hate you.
Michaele: That’s you bitches right here. Total hate vendetta! Oh my God, I just expressed my honest feelings! That felt weird.
Topic 4: Cat, her bitchiness, her divorce and her bad enunciation
Andy: Let’s turn our vitriol to Cat. Cat, have you suffered a cardiovascular episode? What’s with the slurring?
Cat: It’s probably best that people can’t understand what I’m saying about them.
Andy: Talk divorce.
Cat: Husband bastard.
Michaele: Maybe he left because you’re rotten inside.
All: Shut up, Michaele.
Topic 4: Lynda’s age in relationship to her boyfriend Ebong’s age
Lynda: Ebong and I are I love because I’m so cute.
Topic 5: Is Cat racist?
Andy: Stacie, you seem to think so.
Stacie: I never said that.
Cat: You implied it.
Stacie: No I didn’t. I just said maybe you were uncomfortable around black people because you don’t like them.
Cat: That’s insinuating that I’m racist.
Stacie: No it’s not. It’s just saying that perhaps you would rather not be in a situation that’s majority black.
Cat: Which is insinuating that I’m racist.
Stacie: Nuh-unh. You used the R-word. Not me.
Cat: You can’t say the word “racist”?
Andy: This reader writes that you’re racist because you said “colored.”
Stacie: YEAH, CAT THAT WAS BAD!
Cat: Is there anyone in America who understands irony? Or, oops, should I say, I-word T-word A-word I-word A-word W-word U-word I-word?
Stacie: I would have thought Paul would have educated you.
Cat: Really? He doesn’t strike me as the pedagogical type. Sorry, P-word T-word.
Topic 6: Mary, were you drunk when you said that thing about integrating salons?
Mary: Of course I was.
Topic 7: Stacie connects with her biological father
Stacie: My father cried when he heard. My mother did too, for different reasons. Apparently she’s uncomfortable having a black daughter.
Topic 8: Erica. Why?
Stacie: She’s a dear friend. She just happens to be a psychopath. Not that I’m going to come out and say that. I might spell it. But not say it.
Michaele: Maybe two similar women met each other and some kind of electromagnetic craziness happened. You know, like a bitchy black hole.
Michaele: We should just embrace people, instead of making people cry. We should just embrace people. I don’t see color, just like Stephen Colbert.
Cat: When did I make you cry?
Michaele: Right now! You told me I was full of sugar! That makes me sad! Look, I’m going to cry now.
Cat: Hmm, genuine.
Michaele: No wonder your husband left you.
All (silently): Ooh. Snap.
Topic 9: Is Mary a lush?
Mary: Well, yes. But at least I’m not I’m drugs.
Lynda: I am!
Andy: Do tell.
Lynda: I enjoy a cocktail of Concerta and Xanax with a Scotch chaser. I used to smoke pot, but then I registered Republican and had to cut out the hippie stuff. Except for sage burning of course.
Topic 10: Michaele: Cheerleader or Liar?
Michaele: Um, okay, liar. But the Redskins alumni made me do it. I did go out two times, though, so when I said that thing about there’s no feeling that compares to going out on the field for five minutes? I meant literally five minutes. Does that constitute as a cheerleader? Does a McNugget constitute as chicken?
Topic 11: Is Michaele the sole member of the cult of Tareq
Mary: She used to work at the make-up counter. I can’t relate now that she’s out of the beautifying profession.
Lynda: Tareq is her evil overlord.
Andy: A reader wants to know if he ever lets you out of his sight?
Michaele (face contorting): OMG. Feelings! Feelings!
To be continued….