Eight Red-Inspired Old-People Movies We’d Like to See on the Big Screen
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Eight Red-Inspired Old-People Movies We’d Like to See on the Big Screen

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Disaster Sci-Fi

Photo: Jemal Countess/Getty Images (Clint Eastwood); Jason Merritt/Getty Images (Helen Mirren); Ben Gabbe/Getty Images (Patrick Stewart); Courtesy of Columbia Pictures (2012)
Clint Eastwood says he’s retired from acting, but would he be able to turn down a role as a gruff, embittered world-saver? It’d basically be Old, Dirty Harry, only instead of breaking all the rules while chasing down a serial killer, he’d be breaking all the rules while chasing down an asteroid or something. We're also thinking: Helen Mirren as the love interest, possibly in Natalie Portman in Attack of the Clones–style bare-midriff; Patrick Stewart as the evil government bureaucrat.  
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Road-Trip Comedy

Photo: Kevin Dietsch-Pool/Getty Images (Elaine Stritch); Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images (Sophia Loren); Frazer Harrison/Getty Images (Sigourney Weaver); Courtesy of Paramount Pictures (Crossroads)
An Apatow-style old-dude bromance would be appreciated, but that ground has more or less been covered by Grumpy Old Men, Grumpier Old Men, My Fellow Americans, and the woefully underrated Out to Sea (and coming up: Winter’s Discontent, LASt VEGAS). Instead, we’re thinking a chick-flick road trip with Elaine Stritch, Sophia Loren, and, of course, Betty White. Let’s say White has to hustle to L.A. from her Florida home to lend moral support during her semi-estranged daughter’s divorce, but all the flights are canceled for some realistic reason, so her supportive, once tightly knit but now can’t stand each other crew of grammar-school friends has to reunite for one last adventure?
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Sports Comedy

Photo: Frazer Harrison/Getty Images (Robert Duvall); Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images (Harrison Ford); Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images (William Shatner); Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images (James Caan); Courtesy of Universal Pictures (Friday Night Lights)
Set in an over-60 corporate tag-football league, with Robert Duvall, Harrison Ford, and James Caan as the core of a perennially crappy team scrapping together into a contender, and William Shatner the smarmy captain of the five-time reigning champs. Hip replacement, back spasm, and "I forgot the play!" senility jokes by the boatload, plus a dramatic game-winning comically weak but successful field-goal attempt. Seriously, how has this movie not been made?
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Photo: Neilson Barnard/Getty Images (Angela Lansbury); Carlos Alvarez/Getty Images (John Malkovich); Courtesy of Dimension Films (Halloween)
It is a little-known Hollywood mandate that at no point can Halloween not be in some stage of reboot, sequel-ization, or spinoff. How about the next time, we jump ahead a few decades? Jamie Lee Curtis can be replaced by Angela Lansbury, and already insane-seeming John Malkovich can take on Michael Myers.
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Time-Travel Comedy

Photo: Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images (Mickey Rooney); Courtesy of Hollywood Pictures (Just Visiting)
Imagine an elderly man already struggling with basic tasks in his own time and place, England, 1328 … now magically transport him to modern times and see how he copes! Might the preternaturally befuddled Mickey Rooney be interested?
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Dystopian Sci-Fi

Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty Images (Danny Glover); Ian Jacobs/Getty Images (Sean Connery); Jason Kempin/Getty Images (Ruby Dee); Courtesy of United Artists (Logan's Run)
Danny Glover and Richard Gere star as law-abiding citizens in a futuristic society where (with huge debts to The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and Logan’s Run) people are born elderly and age backwards, until they are terminated at 60 to avoid overpopulation. Law abiding, that is, until — with our heroes’ fate fast approaching — they are recruited in an epic battle against the requisite old evil dictator (Sean Connery). Ruby Dee can play someone wise.
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Superhero Movie

Photo: Bryan Bedder/Getty Images (Anne Mareara); Andrew H. Walker/Getty Images (Jerry Stiller); Courtesy of Columbia Pictures (Spiderman)
The next installment in the Spider-Man franchise will travel back to Peter Parker’s high-school days. Maybe the next reboot after that should move to Parker’s twilight years? Jerry Stiller can play the insecure web-slinger, with real-life sweetheart Anne Meara his Mary Jane.
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Romantic Comedy

Photo: Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images (Cloris Leachman); Cory Schwartz/Getty Images (Eli Wallach); Courtesy of Touchstone Pictures (Pretty Woman)
Painfully obvious, but has to be said. (And yeah, Dustin Hoffman and Emma Thompson  were just in Last Chance Harvey, but we're talking old old.) How about Cloris Leachman and Eli Wallach as the initially resistant but ultimately blissfully happy couple? If, like us, you inexplicably sat through all of New York, I Love You, you know the segment where Leachman and Wallach bicker their way through Coney Island was the only good part.
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Heist Movie

Photo: Kevin Winter/Getty Images (Morgan Freeman); Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images (Nick Nolte); Ian Gavan/Getty Images (Michael Caine); Michael Buckner/Getty Images (Donald Sutherland); Courtesy of Warner Bros (Oceans Eleven)
George Clooney's Danny Ocean wants to pull off one last job, but his old crew has all gotten married and domesticated. So why not recruit a new team who, after years of going straight, now wants to get back into the robbery game? Morgan Freeman is the safe-cracking expert; Michael Caine the master of disguise; Donald Sutherland the wisecracking getaway driver; Nick Nolte the crazed bad guy; and Judi Dench the love interest. In a subversive nod to ageism, the big heist can turn on an ingeniously simple deception involving Depends adult diapers.


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