In tonight’s episode of Glee, the New Directions crew performs the Rocky Horror Picture Show for the school musical. The casting (Rachel as Janet, Finn as Brad, Sam as Adonis-like Rocky) seems like a no-brainer, like Glee has always just been Dr. Frank-N-Furter’s castle transferred to a suburban high school. We went through the two sets of characters and noted the eerie parallels between the Gleeks and their assigned roles in tonight’s episode; although in a couple of instances, we picked a McKinley-ite who we thought would be better suited to the part. If you’re going to do the “Time Warp” again, do it right!
He narrates the Rocky Horror Picture Show’s story, warning sternly of the trouble these young people are about to get into. Explains difficult subjects like Food and Emotion whilst wearing a magnificent burgundy cravat. Enjoys spinning globes and doing the “Time Warp.”
Glee equivalent: Mr. Schue. Gravely concerned with the weekly troubles of the New Directions youth; loves speaking about meaningful themes; wears vests with abandon. Enjoys rapping and showing off break-dancing skills.
Nerdy but sympathetic. Upstanding, but susceptible to homoerotic overtures from Frank. Wears tighty-whities for an uncomfortable length of time. In the sarcastic words of Frank, “a perfect specimen of manhood — soooo…..dominant.”
Glee equivalent: Finn. Doltish but lovable. Target of homoerotic overtures from Kurt. Would totally have called the castle, “some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdos” (as Brad does).
Wide-eyed, virginal, just-a-tad overbearing heroine. Excellent at fainting and batting eyelashes. Enters castle with Brad because “the owner of that phone might be a beautiful woman and you might never come back again.”
Glee equivalent: Rachel. Extremely overbearing, virginal ingenue. Makes faces while singing. Claws on to boyfriend for fear that if she doesn’t, he’ll leave.
Creepy, sexually ambiguous, hunchbacked manservant with fantastic cheekbones, spectacular tuxedo tails and cigarette pants, and dilapidated seventies-rock-star hair. Brother of Magenta; future ruler of the planet Transsexual. Introduced while singing alone in a castle turret. Totally cool.
Glee equivalent: Kurt. Occasionally creepy, usually awesome male diva with very specific skin-care regimen. Fan of kilts and skinny pants; soul brother to Mercedes. Often sings big musical numbers alone in auditorium. Totally will rule his own small universe some day.
Riff-Raff’s frizz-haired sister, “a domestic.” Partial to French maids’ uniforms and speaking with heavy Transylvanian inflection. Maintains quasi-lesbian relationship with Columbia. Gets a kick out of scaring Janet. Fabulous, yet evil.
Glee equivalent: Santana. Perfectly ponytailed, feisty Latina. Partial to Cheerio uniform and adding “s”-es to all verbs. Maintains quasi-lesbian relationship with Brittany. Gets a kick out of bothering Rachel. Fabulous, yet evil.
Magenta’s roommate, Frank’s ex-paramour, Eddie’s grieving lover. “A groupie” with tap-dancing talent to spare and a great collection of sequined tap pants.
Glee equivalent: Brittany. Santana’s sometime girl-toy, groupie to every boy at school. Stellar dancer, not so stellar thinker.
Sweet transvestite from Transsexual, a planet in the Transylvanian galaxy. Rocks crimson lip gloss and a smokey eye like none other. Enjoys belted vocal solos and puns (often combining the two). Considered vulgar by many. Rules over a castle full of singing, dancing minions; not afraid to hack at his enemies with an ice pick. A diva in tiny leather underpants.
Glee equivalent: Sue Sylvester. (Though played by Mercedes tonight.) Cheerleading coach fond of screaming and hair jokes (often combining the two). Considered horrifying by many. Rules over a group of acrobatically talented Cheerios. Not afraid to throw a slushie at her glee club enemies. A diva in Adidas tracksuits.
Motorcycle-riding bad boy with only half a brain (Frank used the other half to make Rocky); Columbia’s sometime boyfriend. Swoon-worthy antihero.
Glee equivalent: Puck. (Played by Carl tonight.) One-time Mohawk-wearing bad boy with more of a brain than he lets on. Santana’s sometime boyfriend, Quinn’s baby daddy. Swoon-worthy antihero.
Germanic professorial type in a wheelchair who introduced Brad and Janet in his Science Exam-it. Possible investigator of UFOs. Secretly loves wearing fishnets and doing high leg kicks.
Glee equivalent: Artie. Nerdy type in a wheelchair; secretly wants to dance.
Literal golden boy, created by Frank, clad only in tiny gold shorts. Dumb, blond, and gorgeous. Grunts to show emotion. Likes Janet’s boobs.
Glee equivalent: Sam. Golden boy usually seen shirtless; dumb, blond, and adorable. Makes extremely bad jokes. Presumably likes Quinn’s boobs.