the greatest show of our time

Recap of the Recap: If Gossip Girl Knows You, There’s a Guy at the End of That Story

This week, as usual, you shared your insights into the world of the Greatest Show of Our Time. And though this episode was definitely real overall, there was no denying the fake. Dan got the only thing he didn’t need: a protégé in Eric, giving us double the self-righteousness and self-proclaimed morals, and double the plaid. You gawked at Rufus’s continued de-aging process and his blatant hypocrisy at chiding his kids for being lost to the Upper East Side while he is nothing but Lily’s favorite new accessory. No one could believe Serena’s self-control or that she actually refrained from playing peek-a-boob with us this week (though she did make sure both her dresses exposed her back), and even though Gossip Girl called him dumb, Nate had moments of actual brain functioning sprinkled into his usual cluelessness. And, as is so often the case, Chuck and Blair teamed up to place this week’s episode firmly into the real category by playing nice, then playing mean, and finally just playing. So let’s see what you had to say in this week’s recap of the recap, compiled by JULIEFB.

Realer Than Keeping Hate Sex Classy by Doing It in Couture on a Grand Piano in an Upper East Side Penthouse
• In less than 10 seconds Eleanor manages to both introduce herself and immediately put Juliet to work at her party. Plus 3, because that’s precisely how long it takes for any good UES housewife to discern between people who belong as guests and the help (or in Dan’s case, a cater-waiter) —IMNOTSLYDEXIC

• Nate: ”…press the other’s button.” Plus 1. Even Nate knows how this episode will end. —THEMISSINGSCARF

• Once again Serena is forced to recruit Nate as a bodyguard in another episode of “I’m too damn slutty NOT to sleep with someone’s cousin, no matter how inappropriate it may be.” Plus 10 because Colin >>>>> Tripp. —NURSELUVBASS

• “feel free to stop by…if you’re feeling lonely.” Plus 10 for Queen B subtly reminding Lonely Boy of his place in the food chain. —CHUCKMEBASS

• Plus 25 for the detail of Chuck negotiating around Blair’s stockings and garters without ever taking off his clothes. That was efficient, yo. Practice makes perfect, kids. —TRUMPETSTRUMPET

• Plus 3 for Eric showing his loyalty through his couture: Team Humphrey with a plaid shirt/sexy cardigan, and Team Bass with a bowtie. —CCSEB

• Blair and Chuck sex on a piano. Plus 30 for musical Chair. —KDOW3

• I immediately thought the paper roses were the flamboyant work of Eric, but when it was revealed to be Dan … well that makes sense too. Plus 3. —JUSTSAYYES

• I love the way Rufus laments about his children succumbing to the UES lifestyle while he is attending a 20-year-old’s birthday party in a suit that probably costs more than his monthly Botox treatments. Plus 4 for the number of words in the phrase “like father, like son”. —NEVERHAVENEVERWILL

• Plus 20 for Rachel Zoe looking starstruck when she says hi to Blair Waldorf. —ARTSTRUCK

• When, exactly, did Dan do the paper flowers? And he seemed confused by the mention later. The paper flowers can only be Jenny’s work, and she is hiding in the attic like the insane wife in Jane Eyre. Plus 5. —KATZAMBONI

• Oh, lol - the way Serena and Nate are finishing each others’ sentences as they propose the peace treaty to Chair. Because one brain combined is better than two half brains, separately. Plus ONE. —BIRKIN_BAG

• Dan’s so bad at plotting that when he actually succeeds, he fesses up immediately. Plus 5 for staying true to character. —BLAIRISAWESOME

• Plus 5 for how quickly Nate snapped that book closed when Serena sat down. Pretending to read is a great cover for checking out undergrads as they walk by, but nothing compares to being close enough to touch Serena’s boobs. —BROOKLYN_FOR_LIFE

• Plus 5 pot and kettle points for the amazing hypocrisy of Dan calling Blair and Chuck smug. On the Dan Humphrey pie chart, self-importance makes up the 60% of his personality not covered by sideburns, plaid, righteous indignation, and memories of Serena’s mammaries. —HOOKEDONBASS

Faker Than Serena Being Able to Carry On an Actual Conversation With a Member of Congress…Even Though She Used to Sleep With One
• When Blair finds out it was Dan who had the video played at the party, she doesn’t say anything to him, doesn’t insult him, threaten him, slap him, or ask him to leave. She just stands there. Minus 30. —EMMYLOSER

• Minus 5 for Juliet and Colin being really truly terrible at not letting people see them together. Yes, please, have your secret meeting in the kitchen of one of the people you’re hiding from. —PENGUINFAN07

• Dan, when has Nate ever gone to class? He spent all of last season with you at NYU. Minus 5 because you should know better. —CHUCKISMYPUPPY

• Why was Jack in Chile? Was he stuck in a mine? Minus 5. —SARCASTICMEOW

• Rufus, Dan, and Eric all walking in a row at the beginning was bad enough. Rufus, Dan, and Eric all walking in a row and all wearing skinny pants. Minus 10. —KEDAGD

• Ha! Like Serena would know the Gettysburg Address. She probably doesn’t even know where Gettysburg is. Minus 15. —CHUCKBASSISMYBABYDADDY

• Serena: “I would never put my academic future at risk.” That’s like me saying “I would never put my pet unicorn at risk.” Minus 2. —ICH_BIN_CHUCK_BASS

• Nate made an extended nuclear holocaust metaphor? That is a sign of the apocalypse. Minus 5. —ERICROCKSMYWORLD

• Minus 10 for not being able to have an anniversary party because Jenny can’t come. Oh, that sucks, Rufus, why can’t she make it? Because she’s afraid of Chuck and Blair? Or because you sent her away after you realized that she was a pathological liar/drug dealer who tried to ruin your marriage? —4JD

• Minus 50 for anyone who has watched the ‘chair sexual reunion’ only once. That scene is like pure sin in which you can’t just indulge once. —ANINDIANGGFAN

• Wait. So now the writers expect us to believe that Serena reads AND watches the discovery channel? Minus 10,000. —DAHLIA

• “There may be some Humphrey left in him after all.” Don’t sound so shocked Rufus. Dan wore plaid with his eveningwear. Minus 1. —FABULOUS_NOBODY

• Serena and Nate don’t have the intellectual strength to be wartime consiglieri. Minus 20. —STILETTO33

• While I believe that Serena and Nate would come up with a plan that involved a written truce, there is no way they would have thought of hiring a notary. That thing would be written in crayon and covered in Lisa Frank stickers. Minus 20. —FEED_THE_DUCKS

Recap of the Recap: If Gossip Girl Knows You, There’s a Guy at the End of That Story