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The Advice Steven Spielberg Probably Gave Nancy Pelosi

Hoping to burnish the image of the Democratic party, Nancy Pelosi is reportedly “consulting marketing experts about building a stronger brand.” According to the Washington Post, one of those experts is Steven Spielberg. Though Spielberg’s publicist gave a coy non-denial (“Today’s story regarding Nancy Pelosi made a reference to Steven Spielberg that requires a response. I can say as a long-time spokesman for Steven that he has made it his career to direct actors, not political figures.”), we think it’s a great idea. If anyone can help the Democrats get back on their feet after the midterm elections, it’s definitely the guy who made E.T. After the jump, a few pieces of advice Spielberg presumably gave Pelosi.

• “Up the federal funding for dinosaur-resurrecting. Turning that over to the private sector could really make a mess of shit.”

• “Need a way to sell environmental legislation to the American people? Remind them that rising oceans mean Jaws can get closer to their houses.”

• “Want to pump up the youth vote and suppress the elderly one? Get some touch-screen voting machines that look like this.”

• “If Indiana Jones can have a fourth movie, Bill Clinton can have a third term.”

• Want to take credit for risky pieces of legislation that succeed, but don’t want to be blamed if they fail? Don’t ‘propose’ them, ’executive produce’ them.’”

• “Just tell everybody that Charles Rangel is a friendly alien from a planet where they don’t have ethical violations.”

• “Find some way to declare victory in Afghanistan — I need a happy ending for my next HBO mini-series.”

• “At 86, Senator Lautenberg is looking a little long in the tooth. Make Shia LaBeouf his co-senator until Shia can carry the state of New Jersey himself.”

The Advice Steven Spielberg Probably Gave Nancy Pelosi