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Justin Theroux Vows Revenge at Next Year’s Celebrity Charades

Monday night’s iteration of the city’s most entertaining fund-raiser, LAByrinth Theater Company’s annual Celebrity Charades benefit, may have lacked the presence of Hurricane Julia Roberts, but the sweep she made through the event last year was still causing waves. “Julia Roberts broke me last year. I just lost it,” said Eric Bogosian, who’d handed over his referee duties to Craig “Mums” Grant after spending three hours trying to contain Roberts as she grabbed Julia Stiles’s ass, looked up Kristin Wiig’s skirt, demanded more time, raised some $50,000, and randomly bought a Smart Car. “She cheated! She said things out loud!” Bogosian went on. “You’re not supposed to say things out loud. She also wrapped her body around my body and that was also very flustering. I was very flustered by it. I’m still flustered by it.”

Most of the celebrities, though, were sad that Roberts couldn’t make it. “She had better things to do,” said Sam Rockwell, who’d eventually thrown her over his shoulder and carried her offstage last year. “I wish she’d come back. She’s a force to be reckoned with. Anyone can get a little tipsy, but as crazy as that was, she raised a lot of fucking money for us. I mean, I wish I could get drunk and raise $40,000. If I get drunk, I’m usually gonna owe money.” Justin Theroux, too, was sad, but for strategic reasons. Every year, he said, he tries to recruit big-name rookie charades players to sabotage his opponents. “Julia’s not a strong player. Robin Williams is not a strong player. My plan is to get them to come back and play not on my team,” he said. “I love when those people play because I know that basically shoots a hole in the head of the other team.”

Sadly for Theroux, he not only failed at recruiting terrible charades players, but also faced the ignominy of losing not once, but twice. When his first team, captained by Philip Seymour Hoffman, got knocked out in the first round, Theroux got picked by the blue team (Josh Charles, Jesse L. Martin, Rachel Dratch, Juliette Lewis, and Daphne Rubin-Vega) to help out in the championship round, only to lose AGAIN to the red team, featuring Bobby Cannavale, Jeremy Sisto, Public Theater director Oskar Eustis, Christopher Meloni, Erika Christensen, and David Zayas. “I’m bitter. I’m very, very bitter,” said Theroux, seeming bitter, at the after-party at the Hudson Hotel. “I basically walked into a rake twice. Whack! Whack!”

“The bottom line is — I don’t think this is bragging — I’m probably the best player in there, hands down,” he went on. “I nail it. I’m not being arrogant. It’s just a fact.” But if Theroux is so good, why did he lose twice? “Sam Rockwell is a deadweight,” he said about his teammate and friend, without hesitation. “We gotta cut him. We gotta recruit [Jeremy] Sisto. I’m just being honest. I love everyone equally. I actually love Sam more than Sisto. But Sam’s got to go. Listen, I don’t want to go on record saying anything, but Sam Rockwell is a fucking anchor around my team’s neck.” (Sam Rockwell, by the way, was about two feet away as Theroux spoke.)

Theroux detailed his plans for next time, including joining forces with Cynthia Rowley, who always seems like she’s too good for her team as well, and making sure that a reliable “baller” like LAB co-founder John Ortiz doesn’t skip the event like he did this time. “And I need to be captain,” he said. “Phil fucked up the order. He picked the order of the way we played and it was a mistake. He put Rockwell in our critical playoff round. That was a mistake. It should have been me, [Billy] Crudup, and then either Yul [Vazquez] or Phil. I’m going to look Phil in the eye tonight and I’m going to say, ‘You know the changes that need to happen. And the No. 1 change that needs to happen is that you need to go. You’re like Joe Torre at the end of his career. Step aside.’”

Theroux also vowed to increase his already extensive charades preparation. “I’m going to be here for about ten minutes and then I’m going to go home and start training. Next year begins now!” But when he did indeed confront Hoffman, all Hoffman did was smile and pat him on the back as if to say, “Keep dreaming, kiddo,” and, Theroux admitted with a defeatist sigh, none of this vigor would likely matter come next year. “Every year, I have a plan, but everybody else fucks it up,” he said. “I organize my team and I get them training early, but there’s nothing I can do. I can’t live in their skin. I can’t make them be great. Only they can do that.”

Justin Theroux Vows Revenge at Next Year’s Celebrity Charades