1. Kyle Gets a Bikini Wax for Cancer
Kyle: Mauricio and I are training for a really long bike ride, so I hired an Olympic medalist as my cycling coach. No big deal. The guy who does my taxes has a Nobel prize in economics and my housekeeper was a runner-up for the Miss Universe title. (Don’t tell Kim she didn’t win or I’ll never live it down.) Anyway, my cycling coach told me that in order to do this ride, I was going to have to undergo an X-treme bikini wax, so I decided if I was going to suffer, everyone was going to suffer too. I turned the pruning into a party and had it televised. Hey, did you know they removed Narcissistic Personality Disorder from the DSM-IV? Nyah, nyah.
2. Adrienne and Taylor Punch Things Together, and It Takes Taylor Back
Adrienne: Hey, Taylor.
Taylor: Hey, Adrienne.
Adrienne: Come over here and punch my trainer, five-time world-champion kickboxer.
Adrienne: All women should know how to defend themselves, don’t you think?
Taylor: I guess. This would actually be amazing for the women at the crisis center where I volunteer, who aren’t as fortunate as me and lack adequate facial padding.
Taylor: Did I mention our annual charity poker tournament is being chaired by a World Series of Poker winner?
Adrienne: Did I mention my dental hygienist was nominated for an Emmy?
Taylor: Did I mention my shoe organizer is a knight of the realm?
3. Lisa and Cedric Learn to Drive American
Lisa: My strategy for getting Cedric out of my house? Twofold. One, I trick him into dressing like a man-slut (last week in Mohammed’s private Turkish baths, for example, or now in this deep V-neck) and pray someone comes along to take him off my hands. Two, I help him get his driver’s license and hope he uses it.
4. Kim Absorbs More Abuse
Kim: So, Kyle and I were supposed to meet for lunch and she kept me waiting as usual. Then she shows up all stressed out because her housekeeper didn’t come to work, her live-in sneaked out of the house under cover of night, and she’s supposed to go to Napa with Mauricio to ride bikes for cancer. What is she supposed to do? That was my cue to say I’d take them, but I’ve got 25 kids of my own, and anyway, one of the benefits of everyone treating you like you’re crazy is that you get to pretend not to take a hint. So I say, “Why don’t you take them to Napa? That’s what I would do.” And she says, “Yeah, and look where it got you.” As in I’m unlovable because I love my kids, whereas she is an irresistible Madonna type. As much as she loves me, she puts me down. A lot. I stand for it because, as a child actress, I routinely confuse love with pain, if not equate the two. Then Lisa calls Kyle and next thing I know they’re tag-teaming me, with Lisa getting on my case for not calling Martin to thank him for driving me home.
Lisa: It was out of his way and she was drunk.
Kim: Of course, if I had called him, they would have gotten on my case for being desperate.
Kyle: Well, it is my prerogative to gaslight you, having gained the upper hand since your heyday as the prettier, more successful sister. What did you think of Martin, anyway?
Kim: I actually liked Martin!
Kyle: Seriously? You fell for that? As if I would ask you a question for any reason other than to use your openness and vulnerability against you. This is why you’ll end up alone. See? This is why nobody wants you. Nobody.
Kim: We should do this more often.
5. Camille Throws a Pity Party
Camille: Sooooo, you’re probably all wondering why I gathered you here — you especially, right, Mom? But I guess we all know I have the kind of money that compels people to hang around, no matter how odious my personality. Allow me to demonstrate. I will now bring up the subject of Kyle again and force you to focus on my lame non-problem. Sound good?
Nick: I will get my reward some day. Before my AmEx bill arrives, I hope.
6. Kyle Is a Hypocrite
Kyle: You know how I laid into Kim for always putting her kids before her love life? Well, I want to bring mine along on our romantic trip to Napa. Sue me.
7. Kim Genuinely Scares a Man, Part 1
Kim: Here’s a funny story: We were having a family barbecue and I ran over to the market for some chicken and got into a tussle about it, which I’ll turn into a little rap for you here — That’s my chick’n. Gimme my chick’n. That’s my chick’n — and then one of them goes, Hey, I’m single Gary, and I said, Well, hi, I’m single Kim and gave him my number. See? I can get my own dates! In the chicken aisle! I don’t need those bitches! That’s my chick’n. Gimme my chick’n. That’s my chick’n. I was really proud of myself. So proud that when he called, I went a little crazy and let Kimberly talk to him. She told him I had ten kids and I went along with it. Isn’t that hysterical? What?
8. Mauricio Threatens to Chop Off the Wiener
Mauricio: A fifth kid? Are you kidding me? I bring you to this romantic restaurant, playfully try to get you to order the rabbit, and you hit me with this? I will chop it off. I’m not kidding. I’ll do it right here.
9. Kim Genuinely Scares a Man, Part 2
Kim: And then, Single Gary comes over? And he brings his cute granddaughter? And I flirt with him by pretending my daughter’s friend’s infant is mine, and that I’m still nursing. It was so funny! He started sweating and left in a hurry. That’s my sense of humor. I think things are going great with Single Gary.
10. Lisa and Cedric and Humanity at the DMV
Lisa: Okay, have you see these people? Out in the world? They’re a bit eclectic. By which I mean the smell leaves something to be desired. I passed the test, by the way. Cedric failed. He’d sooner come back here than move out. That’s commitment.
11. Taylor Helps Out
Taylor: I volunteer at a Family Crisis Center, and tomorrow night is our charity poker event. The director asked me to say a few words, which unleashed a geyser of suppressed trauma. Images of myself as a Cindy Lou Who-type figure in footie pajamas wandering in on a scene of unspeakable horror came flooding back, along with the feeling that it was somehow all my fault. Who knew I emerge here as a tragic figure, huh? Explains the lips. And Russell.
13. Camille and Her Ladyfriends Run Away From the Truth on the Beach
Camille: I’ve gathered my ladyfriends here to remind myself that I like women, too, and I guess if I were honest with myself I’d admit it has something to do with a disturbing call I got from Kelsey saying that he wants to live in New York full-time. He says his career in L.A. is over, I just wished he’d mentioned it earlier, since I’ve spent the last six episodes going on about what an A-lister he is. Apparently, “New York” loves him, and he’s feeling “appreciated.” I bet he is.
14. Taylor Gives a Speech
Taylor: I know this is going to be on TV and everything, but I decided not to invite the other ladies to my event because of the personal nature of the introductory speech I’m about to give. I did invite Adrienne, though, who showed up in a turquoise cowgirl outfit, which frankly undercut the gravitas. Then she proceeded to win at poker, which she claims only to have played twice. How many chips does a woman who owns a casino need to amass? These are some difficult moments for me, okay? Oklahoma keeps intruding on my present reality. The shame. The denial. The self-mutilating behavior disguised as plastic surgery. It’s all coming together. Dark place. Dark. Listen to me, random D-Listers! Hark, Jan Brady! I am a beacon of hope! I am living proof that even a child of abuse can go on to live in a sad, sterile house Beverly Hills, marry a withholding man who doesn’t love her, stay with him out of shame and insecurity, and allow her rock-bottom self-esteem to convince her to turn her lips into a pair of flapping air mattresses! There is hope! There is hope!
Paul: Maloof! That is some heavy shit.
Adrienne: I know. I thought she was just going to introduce Kato Kaelin or something.
Russell: My unit seems to be malfunctioning a lot lately. It might be time for an upgrade.