1. Kyle and Kim Get a Makeover
Kyle: In the limo in New York, Kim decided we should all find dates for her. So, the first thing I did was bring her here to an undercover psych ward for electroshock therapy. I told her it was a facial and she bought it.
Kim: When we were little, Kyle was like my baby; I took care of her. I guess I really did a bad job because over the years she has become Joan Crawford to my Bette Davis. Did you ever see Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? Stunning parallels. I mean stunning. Elder abuse is real.
Kyle: Kim needs to find a husband as awesome as mine. What’s wrong with her? If she’s alone for the rest of her life, it’s going to be a big burden on me.
2. Lisa Gets Kim a Date
Lisa: Ken and I have this friend … Okay, he’s a Realtor, and he smokes, and he’s been through hundreds of women, but he’s pretty old now and desperate, as I pointed out to him, so who knows? He could be open to Kim. At least he’s not in jail. Anyway, I told him she was Kyle’s sister — he loves tall brunettes — and then proceeded to paint an unappealing picture of her. I didn’t want him to get any fancy ideas. I don’t want a disappointed aging Realtor on my hands.
3. Kennedy Gets a Rash
Taylor: So, remember how I told Russell not to get Kennedy a dog for her birthday, but he did it anyway, just to spite me? Well, now she’s waking up every morning with her eyes sealed shut. I’m not happy about it, of course. But I am vindicated? Well, let’s just say that the universe is just, and my day of triumph has come. Am I happy about sending my kid’s puppy to “live on a farm”? Not especially. But does blaming Russell make me profoundly happy? Oh God, yes.
4. Kim and Kimberly Are Out to Lunch
Kim: My relationship with Kimberly is a little “different.” She pulls me aside and tells me things.
Kimberly: You need a boyfriend.
Kim: But you threw a cheeseburger in my last boyfriend’s face.
Kimberly: I know, but now that I’m 14 and “have my own life,” it’s starting to dawn on me that your devotion to us is going to become a burden, just as your devotion to aunt Kyle became a burden to her. So we’ve all decided we need to find someone who will take over your emotional needs. Thanks for everything, though!
5. Camille Gets Ready for her (Husband’s) Big Night
Camille: Kelsey got nominated for a Tony Awaaaaard, and I’m really excited for hiiiiiiiiim … Whatever. This is my big night. I mean, I’m single-handedly responsible for Kelsey’s career, so if you think about it, they’re actually honoring me. Remember the last time I was in New York, Kyle said I needed therapy? Well, here’s my therapy right here. Gowns that cost as much as tuition (at a state school, I’m sensitive to people’s economic pain that way)! Speaking of, isn’t it great that I can go on TV and flaunt my dubiously acquired and totally undeserved fortune and expect people to love me? What a country. Love me, peasants.
6. Adrienne and Paul Celebrate Their Love
Paul: Adrienne and I have been together eight years, which is pretty amazing considering how bitchy she is to me. I guess I must love it, though, because she’s been this bitchy since the day we met. Look, I’m planning a romantic dinner at home for her — I asked our chef to make it for us myself. Of course, she won’t eat any of it, but it’s the thought and the profligate waste that count, right? What do you get a woman who can and has bought herself everything she ever wanted, including some things she wasn’t so sure she wanted but acquired anyway, like, for instance, me? One year I got her a purse and she hated it. This year, I got her an accessory more fitting to her persona: Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS. I got her a German German Shepherd.
Adrienne: I love the dog.
7. Taylor and Russell Have a Conversation
Taylor: I told you not to get a dog! Kennedy is allergic to the dog. It’s not why I said not to get the dog, but now I’m vindicated. Also, this isn’t really about the dog. It’s about our “business arrangement.” I’m starting to crack under the weight of my desolation at having sold my soul for these enormous, enormous lips. These lips can’t love me! I am alone! Alone!
Russell: What’s a soul?
8. Kim’s Big Night
Lisa: My friend Mohammed is quite well known in Beverly Hills for having more money than most euro-zone nations these days. His house is 60,000-square-feet and comes with a 25-year-old model whose sole purpose is to inflate Mohammed’s ego at the expense of everyone else’s. Sometimes I lie awake at night and picture him hovering over her like a desiccated mantis and I wonder if I should go back to the English countryside.
Kyle: Where’s Kim? She’s not here yet, which gives me the perfect opportunity to insinuate that she might not make it because she’s flaky and unreliable. Maybe I’ll suggest a little mental illness as well. Oh wait! There she is! Okay, quick tactical switch: What I’ll do now is make Martin as uncomfortable as possible by alluding to their impending marriage. Whatever it takes. Whatever it takes.
Taylor: Look at Kyle and Mauricio getting all Peaches and Herb together over by that table. Is his fly open? It makes me jealous because Russell and I have never actually touched each other.
Russell: So, tell me about this thing you speak of — this “liking each other.” What does it entail, exactly?
Lisa: I love it when I can put people in their social place and tell them exactly what I think of them by suggesting they pair up.
9. Taylor Seeks Kyle’s Advice in Marital Matters, But First She Has a Drink
Taylor: So, when Russell and I first met, I fell really hard for his money. But it turned out he didn’t have as much as he pretended to have, and he was kind of ugly and a jerk, and then I find out that a mutual like of vanilla ice cream isn’t really enough to sustain a relationship.
Kyle: You realize I’m asking this knowing the answer, but is he your friend?
Taylor: You mean, like, now? Um, we’re good business partners, in the sense that I supply the ass he demands … Or I would, if we’d ever touched each other. It’s symbolic ass, you understand, in this our Information Age. Were you and your husband friends in the first five years of your marriage?
Kyle: Uh, yeah. Mauricio is my biggest fan. He worships me. He recognizes me for the miracle that I am. He bows himself before the goddess.
Taylor: Wow, is it okay for me to ask for that and half his net worth?
Kyle: Of course! Never put a limit on your entitlement! You are a valuable commodity! I mean, those lips alone, there’s enough petroleum product in there to delay peak oil a couple hundred years. I’d watch out if I were you. Dick Cheney might try to build a pipeline!
Taylor: You’re right. I guess I do deserve a husband who has more than contempt for me. I want a casual acquaintance, at the very least!
Kyle: Atta girl.