“Our men need to know they can count on each other in battle, and we can’t have them getting distracted by illicit romantic dalliances,” said Gen. James T. Conway, commandant of the Marine Corps. “Especially if one’s a little blond Adonis farm boy and his buddy’s a real tough street kid straight out of Brooklyn. I mean, think about it: What if they lock eyes and abandon their post to start ripping each other’s fatigues off, revealing twin sets of glistening washboard abs and at last fulfilling their hidden passions?”Continued Conway, “Is this the message we want to send to our enemies?”
“Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” was just repealed (huzzah!), and The Onion was ready for it with this classic masterwork: “Repeal Of ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ Paves Way For Gay Sex Right On Battlefield, Opponents Fantasize.” It was published back in July, but it’s extra satisfying now that everyone targeted has been soundly defeated.