leak of the week

The Five (Possibly Intentionally) Funniest Parts of R. Kelly’s New Album

R. Kelly, Love Letter

Official release date: December 14, 2010

The freshly leaked Love Letter is R. Kelly’s first-ever consciously retro full-length — just look at that classy, bow-tie-featuring cover — and it replaces his usual hilarious raunch with straightforward odes to love you’d almost feel comfortable playing for your mother. But this is still R. “author of ‘Sex Planet’” Kelly, which means he can’t quite let an entire album go without making us laugh. Whether intentionally or unintentionally is for you to decide:

1. There is a song called “Music Must Be a Lady.” It starts out innocuously enough, and then R. Kelly starts describing how great it is when he has sex with music. The phrase “sexual energy” is utilized, as are the words “I hear a drumroll as we mate.”

2. Presented without context: the lyrics “I’m just a snowman and I’m looking for a snowgirl.”

3. Love Letter’s title track is the second song on the album. The thirteenth song on the album is “A Love Letter Christmas,” which sounds exactly like “Love Letter,” only with a bunch of Christmasy references elegantly shoved into the original lyrics.

4. Speaking of the lyrics of “Love Letter” — the lyrics of “Love Letter” are amazing. And that’s because they include all the things that are good. From the first verse: “weekends and birthdays / celebrations, holidays / lovemaking, history / a toast to our victory / sweet dreams, butterflies / holding hands side-by-side / best friends, families.” From the second verse: “cocktails, happy hours / wedding bells, baby showers / vacations, sailboats / with the one you love the most.”

5. On “Number One Hit,” Kelly threads out an extended metaphor in which he’s telling a lover that she, and not any of his literal hit songs, is his greatest “Number One Hit.” In the ad-libbed part at the end, Kelly really drives the point home: “You are my Michael Jackson Thriller, ‘Smooth Operator’ by Sade, even let’s not forget the [R. Kelly’s debut album] 12 Play.” He switches gears, then finishes up strong: “You’re my movie star, my Coming to America, my Avatar.”

Did we miss anything?

The Five (Possibly Intentionally) Funniest Parts of R. Kelly’s New Album