Recapper’s Note: The following recaps come to you one and two weeks late, respectively, owing to a situation involving the Subtext Translator, a cross-country move-slash-road trip, an unexpected encounter with Zapatista rebels, and a tragic incident with AT&T that culminated in a three-day standoff. Profuse apologies to all.
Episode 9: The Dinner Party From Hell
1. Lisa and Ken’s Vehicular Interlude
Wherein which the show’s beloved elders take the status symbol for a potentially lethal spin. Just because it’s cute doesn’t mean it can’t kill you.
2. Camille and Taylor’s Malibu Lunch
Camille: Oh my God. My daughter is so busy and important now that she is 8, I hardly ever see her anymore. Take advantage of yours now that she’s little. That’s what I did, when I could get a glimpse of them between their nanny phalanges.
Taylor: Taking mothering advice from you gives me a dirty little frisson, like getting sex tips from the Pope.
Camille: Let’s get drunk.
Taylor: You’re sober now?
Camille: So, I’m going to have a dinner party at my house, to reunite the ladies after New York and stir the turd a little. You know, in the name of healing.
Taylor: I’m going to pretend that sounds like a great idea, if only because I am no longer capable of feeling any human interaction that doesn’t involve extreme psychic pain.
Camille: We have a pizza oven, so I’m inviting a chef over to figure out how to turn it on. Also, my friend whom the show Medium with Patricia Arquette is based on — have I mentioned that I am the mind behind that show? — she’s coming. She’s really nice, as long as she doesn’t get drunk. The liquor will flow like water from a mountain spring after the thaw.
3. Paul’s Nose Collapses Upon Being Kicked In by his 4-Year-Old Son
Paul: Adrienne! A-dri-enne!
Adrienne: In here, Rocky. Spreading some beige stuff on Wonder Bread like the producers instructed. Does the tarty bergere outfit enhance my aura of relatability? Or will the peasants soon come after me with pitchforks?
Paul: Hard to say. Look deep into my nostrils! See those shards of silicone? Those were the load-bearing cantilevers, okay? I’m experiencing a Michael Jackson–level nasal disaster here! The integrity of the structure has been breached!
Adrienne: Oh, please. “Integrity.” Don’t be a baby.
4. Camille Calls the Housewives and Invites Them Over for Cocktails
Lisa: I’m a little wary, but not so much that I’ll let it interfere with a little showing off. Check out my new Louboutins, signed by the man himself. And check out my housekeeper Rosia. Is she not the most servile servant in the history of Bravo domestics?
Kyle: I am literally soiling myself, so, for backup, I’m bringing Faye Resnick, whom you may remember from such hits as the O.J. Simpson murder trial. She’s my rock. She’s like a sister to me. Not like my sister.
Kim: Do you know why you love me more and more as each episode goes by? Because I say things like “My loyalty is to my sister” with utmost sincerity while it becomes increasingly clear that my sister, whom I essentially raised as my own, despises and resents me. There is pathos of the highest order here, if you know where to look for it.
Kyle: Whatever. You love Camille.
5. Camille Primes Her Henchwomen in Anticipation of the Arrival of Her Prey; the Ladies Arrive
Camille: Here, insecure hangers-on. Drink these aquariums. Here’s to old friends, by which I mean ex-friends, by which I mean it’s perfectly clear that your role here is to cause as much grievous harm as you are able to inflict, correct?
D.D. and Allison: Crystal clear, employer-friend.
Lisa: It appears we have walked into an ambush situation.
Camille: Henchies, flank me. The rest of you, you’re on your own. You there. Farrah Hair. Identify yourself. Wait. I know, I saw you naked in Playboy. Fifteen years ago or whatever. I remember it like it was yesterday, because that’s when I Googled you.
Kyle: Funny, I Googled you, too, and learned you posed for Playboy as well.
Camille: Yes, but it was a lingerie supplement and I was in my early twenties and that’s how I met Kelsey, so it’s different. It’s really, really hard for me to find someone to whom I feel morally superior, so I really have to milk this.
Allison: I am a really eerie drunk. Watch.
Adrienne: So the medium is getting tanked …
Kim: … and she pulls out an electronic cigarette …
Kyle: … and starts channeling Jack Nicholson in The Shining.
Adrienne: Oh no.
Allison: I’m having dinner with y’all, so I just ignore the dead people. I can tap your thoughts, too, though. And limn your issues. And read your aura. And palpate your vibes. Like, I can look at you and tell you have daddy issues compounded by mommy issues because your mommy was weak and didn’t stand up to your dad, and Taylor, if you’re getting a funny feeling right about now, yes, you are continuing the tradition … But ladies, I’m off the clock. We’re having a girls’ night, which I define as substance abuse with limo drivers. If you insist on asking for freebies, you’re not going to like what you hear.
Kyle: Can I resist? No, I cannot. You cannot lay these nuggets of provocation at my slender feet and expect me not to blurt out a spicy rejoinder, okay? Did you ever hear the one about the scorpion and the frog? Character is destiny!
Allison: Your marriage is a sham. Whoo! Ladies’ night!
Kyle: Is this about what happened in New York?
Allison: New York? Did something happen in New York? Somehow, the dead people and bad marriage vibes are crowding out all the New York stuff. And Camille didn’t mention it, so how could I know? I’m not a mind reader! Ha-ha. Oops.
Faye: So, what you’re saying is that you, Camille’s mind-reading confidante, had no idea that we were all summoned here tonight so that Camille could get her revenge on Kyle? Per-lease.
Kim: Mommy! Daddy! Stop fighting! Stop fighting! Oh God. The walls are closing in. The walls are closing in!
Adrienne: Um … I’m just here to promote my business interests? Are, um, the cameras still rolling, because …
Taylor: Mommy! Daddy! Stop fighting! Stop fighting! Oh God. The walls are closing in. The walls are closing in!
Lisa: This is profoundly, disturbingly, deliciously grotesque. Thoroughly amusing evening. Well done.
Kyle: This doesn’t matter to me at all! I have four gorgeous children and a husband who loves me! You have no effect on me whatsoever! That’s why I’m screaming my head off! I am exploding with rage and I have no idea why! It might have something to do with my sister, who was once considered prettier and more famous!
Allison: I am inappropriately channeling my friend’s hatred of you, just like she knew I would. It’s not even a psychic thing, it’s a rage thing! I’m like you! I’m mad! I’m mad! I’m going to get crass now. Here, take a few obscene hand gestures. Funny how deeply I hate after just having met you.
Kim: Oh, God! I’m having a PTSD flashback to New York! Taylor, this is your fault! I’m feeling uninhibited enough to be brutally honest about your lips!
Kyle: Camille, make me understand! Why do you have this effect on me? Why? My passions have never been so inflamed!
Camille: I hate to say jealousy. I really do. I love to hate to say jealousy.
Kim [in her mind]: What if it’s love? What if this is the emotional fulfillment the crazy psychic spoke of? Shut up, Kim! Shut up! You’ve caused enough trouble already! Just back away slowly … Ouch! Pointy plant!
Camille: Watch your step there, sad one.
Allison: I have a TV show based on my life! I am important! I am important!
6. The Ladies Take it Outside
Kyle [to Kim]: I blame you! I blame you for everything!
7. Camille, Allison, and D.D. Look Back Fondly on a Successful Evening
Allison: I guess you didn’t think I’d turn out to be this unhinged, huh, Camille? Listen, you try running into dead people in the shower at the gym, okay? I am beyond shame.
Camille: Truly. I miscalculated. Patricia is going to be mad. Still, I’d say it was a successful evening, wouldn’t you?
D.D.: Totes. Hey! Let’s turn on the sprinklers!
Episode 10: Payback’s a Bitch … Just Ask Your Husband
1. Morning-After Montage: Mauricio, Maloof, Mommy
Mauricio: Do I need to ask how last night was?
Mauricio: Thought not.
Paul: What did you do?
Adrienne: Of course I stayed out of it, what are you crazy?
Paul: That’s what I love about you, baby. You’re all business.
2. Charity Event at Villa Blanca
Lisa: I’m hosting a charity event for a little girl who was set on fire in her bed by a boy who asked her for a date. It seems to me that the most thoughtful and considerate way to honor a young disfigured lady is with a fashion show. Gorgeous girls everywhere!
3. Kim Reflects On What She’s Done
Kim: I’m sorry I said those things about Taylor’s lips. It was cruel. What if it’s an allergic reaction? Or a defense mechanism? Isn’t that what happens to blowfish when threatened? I’m going to apologize.
4. The Charity Event
Lisa: Oh, hi, Taylor!
Taylor: Hi, Lisa! Nice dress. Is that the designer? I’m starting to be able to recognize her by her boxy cuts, overdependence on white, and crippling addiction to rhinestones.
Lisa: At least my husband likes me. Hey, is Camille going to show her face at this thing?
Taylor: What do you think?
Lisa: It’s just as well. Normally, I call people to thank them for having me over, but that warranted a complaint line.
Taylor: Kyle’s here! Will you sit with us?
Kyle: I brought my childhood friends as a buffer. Act like you know me, “friends.”
Faye: Your friends want to know if it’s okay to ask you about last week’s episode.
Kyle: Oh, sure. I love talking about my righteousness. For instance, even though I was provoked, I wish I knew how to handle conflict in a civilized way.
Faye: It’s because you’re not used to it, my sweet ticket back into the spotlight.
Kyle: I guess. This is fun. Don’t mind me if I check my phone in the middle of lunch. Hey, what’s this? A text message from Camille firing my husband! Oh God, I think I’m going to cry. I wish I wasn’t sitting at this table with all these seat-filler “friends!” This lady next to me is just keeping on chewing and avoiding my gaze! I mean, I know times are tough, but show a little compassion, lady. I wish my sister was here so I could take this out on her.
5. Camille Straddles Nick’s Hog and Goes for a Ride
Camille: Yours is much cooler than Kelsey’s.
Nick: I know.
6. Taylor Plans Her Roaring Twenties Theme Party
Taylor: You have to throw parties if you want to keep pace in Beverly Hills, that’s why I’m throwing another costume party.
Stylist: You’re okay wearing costume jewelry?
Taylo [to herself]: Think Taylor, think! This could break you! [To stylist.] It’s a costume party, Julie.
Stylist: Reputation saved.
7. Kyle Comes Clean
Mauricio: Look at us, walking down the street! Aren’t we great? Isn’t everything great? Hey, ladies! How’s it going? Mwah to you, too. I’ll call you!
Kyle: Is it too obvious that I’m trying to flatter you by asking you to remind me what my favorite salad is?
Mauricio: Not to me it isn’t.
Kyle: So I guess this is as good a time as any to tell you that the Grammers are firing you as their Realtor because I keep fighting with Camille.
Mauricio: What? Oh my God! The walls are caving in!
Kyle: I feel really guilty.
Mauricio: You know when I say I’ll fix it I mean you fix it, right?
8. The Many Tentacles of Maloof Industries
Adrienne: So, after last week’s nightmare dinner party, I had a little word with the producers and told them either they toss me a juicy promotional segment this week or I walk. So here it is. Maloof records and this anthem rock guy. Do people still listen to this stuff? Whatever. They’re called Rev Theory. Buy the damn album, my husband needs another nose job.
9. Taylor Works Retention
Taylor: Okay, so first I called Camille and basically begged her to come, and then I met Kim for a manicure and invited her to the party, which was like two days away. Fortunately, she declined. I don’t get her at all. Like, she makes jokes! She hasn’t had her neck done! Her lips are thin. I don’t need that at my party. I just don’t.
10. Adrienne and Camille Lunch It Out
Camille: Kyle … I don’t think it’s appropriate …
Adrienne: Mm-hmmm …
Camille: … guest at my house …
Adrienne: Riiight …
Camille: … verbally assault me that way …
Adrienne: Uh-huh …
Camille: … threw me for a loop …
Camille: … like a child …
Adrienne: Frankly, I’d like to put both of you in time out. Speaking of time out, I’m going to pretend I have to go pick up my son right now, because you’ve failed to take my monosyllabic hints all through lunch.
Camille: Fine, I’m going to pretend you were on my side.
Adrienne: Whatever it takes.
11. Jiggy’s Horrible Secret Revealed!
Lisa: So I went over to Kyle’s for more sob-sistering over the Camille fiasco. Big deal. You want problems? Jiggy has problems. He has alopecia. Hideous bald patches all over his tiny body. Why do you think I keep the poor thing swathed in sweaters year-round? Nobody wears a turtleneck unless they have to, okay? Just ask Nora Ephron.
12. Kim’s House
Kim: My daughter is leaving to go to Houston, and I am disconsolate. I make her a sandwich and weep. She encourages me to go to the party and I think of those terrible women and of what my life will be like when my children all leave and I am forced to rely on the likes of them for company and I weep again.
13. Taylor’s Party
Taylor: Maybe I should have spent more time on the guest list than on my own costume. Or thinking about why it’s so important to me to keep pace in Beverly Hills in the first place. I mean, people looked amazing — except for Russell, who, of course, looked like Russell — but other than that they all seemed a little uncomfortable. Awkward. Attempts at small talk stalled. I don’t know why. Why can Camille throw an explosive dinner party, but when I put together an event it reeks of alienation and despair? I was the prettiest girl in Oklahoma!
Kyle: So, we are at the party and Mauricio walks up to Camille and starts talking to her about God knows what. And I’m just getting more and more nervous. So I reached out and touched her. And she was one hundred percent fake, which frankly was a relief.
Camille: I call that taking the high road. I only take the low road behind people’s backs.
Kyle: We kissed and made up. Then we danced the night away, our problems buried far, far deep inside us. Still the words of the crazed psychic rankle … Is it true? Is Mauricio truly incapable of fulfilling my emotional needs? Something in Camille’s crazy eyes says yes. Maybe. Yes.