golden globes

Vulture Live-Blogs the Golden Globes

In just a moment, Ricky Gervais is going to start dropping hilarious truth bombs all over the famous people gathered at the Beverly Hilton for the 68th annual Golden Globes. And we’ll be live blogging it! Come keep us company as we watch Natalie Portman and her maternity dress, January Jones and her bondage gear, Christian Bale and his middle earth look, and many others make a night of it. It’s gonna be fun!

Willa and Kyle will be alternating commentary after each commercial break, and the latest updates will appear at the top of this entry. (So read it bottom to top if you’re into the whole chronological thing.)

(10:58): Gervais comes out for a second to say bye and to “thank God for making me an atheist.” Firestarting to the very end! And that’s a wrap. Have a good night!

(10:56): Scott Rudin accepts on behalf of the film. The actors stay seated, until Rudin calls Eisenberg and Andrew Garfield on stage. Aw, those boys are real nerds. Rudin thanks Zuckerberg (did everyone on the movie get a note to be kind to him tonight?) And then the orchestra plays Rudin off.

(10:54): Michael Douglas gets a standing ovation, classily remarks, “There’s got to be a better way to get a standing O.” He gives the Best Drama award to… The Social Network!

(10:53): Question for tomorrow: what part is Geoffrey Rush playing next? (Assuming his shorn head is for a part.)

(10:49): Firth, sounding so extremely British, like, even more British than other British people, gives a solid, deadpan speech. A good Oscar tryout. Says the award is the only thing keeping him from a Harley Davidson, and a mid-life crisis.

(10:47): Even Ricky Gervais can’t go hard on Sandra Bullock and her Bangs of Seriousness. She’s presenting Best Actor in a drama, which goes to Colin Firth. The Oscar race is shaping up exactly as long predicted!

(10:39): The only half way decent movie in this entire Best Comedy category, the more than half way decent The Kids Are All Right, wins, rightfully.

(10:37): Tom Hanks and Tim Allen come to present Best Comedy. Hanks digs at Gervais, “We recall back when Ricky Gervais was a slightly chubby, very kind comedian.”

(10:37): Portman seems remarkably composed, until she gets all bonkers giggly about how Benjamin, her baby daddy, “totally wants to sleep with her in real life. Hahahahah.” But she refers to Mila Kunis as “Sweet Lips,” which is pretty great.

(10:35): Jeff Bridges and his stately beard present the Best Actress in adrama to Natalie Portman, of course. She kisses her dude. Halle Berry doesn’t look that psyched.

(10:33):Joseph Gordon Levitt introduces Inception while putting on unplaceable accent of some kind.

(10:29): Commercial breaks coming more and more often. They’re milking this thing. Also, where is Ricky Gervais? He’s been MIA for a while. Miss his accurate sourness, now that it’s gone.

(10:27): Paul Giamatti wins Best Actor in a comedy for Barney’s Version, meaning Johnny Depp, who was nominated twice, loses twice. Giamatti gets on stage, and talks about all the chocolate he ate, and then says Halle Berry’s name like he wants to eat her too. He is not getting played off by the orchestra. Also, he says “trifecta of hotties.”

(10:25): Alicia Keys introduces Black Swan in a hot red maternity dress.

(10:20): Everyone from the show is there. Karofsky! Jacob Ben Israel!

(10:19): Glee wins Best Comedy. Jayma Mays almost tripped!

(10:18): Jimmy Fallon just put himself into January Jones’s mouth, but not in the way he originally pitched, we’re sure.

(10:17): Nice job, David. But let’s go again.

(10:15): David Fincher wins Best Director and makes some good jokes about Propecia and Scott Rudin. Though can he really say that he usually makes these pitch black movies if his last one was Benjamin Button?

(10:13): Megan Fox introduces Angelina Jolie’s The Tourist, and if only we could give this moment more oomph by asking Octomom to introduce Megan Fox.

(10:05): De Niro and his floppy hair, gets a standing O, ribs Damon by saying “I loved you in The Fighter.” He thanks the Hollywood Foreign Press, who decided to give him this award, “Well before you had the chance to review Little Fockers.” Truth! And then makes some jokes that don’t quite land (waiters, they get deported!) reading off the teleprompter, but seems much more jovial and game than usual. Someone should get this guy in a comedy! (That is not totally horrible!)

(10:04):Rocky and Bullwinkle and Analyze This are the horrible movies that make the cut! Little Fockers was totally robbed.

(10:00): Which of De Niro’s recent, hacky films will make it into the clip reel? Or do we pretend they never happened?

(9:58): Matt Damon and his floppy hair are presenting the Cecil B. DeMille award to Robert De Niro. He pretends to be a dim bulb who’s never heard of De Niro before, and does some funny, bad-on-purpose imitations of other characters from De Niro’s greatest hits, before hitting the clip reel.

(9:53): Melissa Leo is way fun, and accidentally slept with David O. Russell during her speech.

(9:51): There is so much screen time of Steve Buscemi not caring about Melissa Leo’s win.

(9:49): Jim Parsons just took the stage while Matthew Bomer was up there, guaranteeing that this moment will be posted about on Queerty tomorrow.

(9:46): Jane Fonda introduces Burlesque. Sure! Tonight is all about shoulders and the things hanging from them.

(9:40): Laura Linney wins for best TV actress in a comedy for The Big C. She’s not there to accept, making it all the easier to pretend that didn’t happen.

(9:39): Helen Mirren introduces The King’s Speech, but not before flirting with all the ladies in the room: “God, are there some gorgeous women here tonight.” She and Robert Downey Jr should do a good, sexy banter-off.

(9:37): In a Better World, a Danish film by Susanne Bier wins. (She directed the original Brothers). Crowd goes totally silent for her, but she seems sweet.

(9:36): “A category no one in America cares about,” best foreign film, is being introduced by Robert Pattinson and an enormous dress. Olivia Wilde is in that dress… somewhere.

(9:35): Just before the commercial break we got a candid shot of Natalie Portman fake-waddling, all like “I’m such a pregnant blimp!” Except she looks just as skinny as she did in Black Swan.

(9:31): Jane Lynch wins Best Supporting Actress, and in sheer coincidence, the camera is on Lea Michele as she jokes about being ungrateful to her fans.

(9:29): Damage control y’all! Aaron Sorkin comes out in praise of Mark Zuckerberg and women! Aaron, you had this in the bag already, but good on you.

(9:28): Tina Fey presented the screenplay Globe to Aaron Sorkin, and no, she is not going to apologize for all of her Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip jokes.

(9:24): Tina Fey and Steve Carell, host everything please!

(9:24): Jack McBrayer loved that Carell/Gervais moment, but he has loved everything tonight, and it has been delightful.

(9:16): Jennifer Love Hewitt was totally robbed for The Client List! Psych. But lifelong dream of Tilda Swinton saying “Jennifer Love Hewitt” has now come true. Claire Danes wins best actress in a “televisual movie” for Temple Grandin. Duh. She’s teary, despite having won an award for this performance at the Emmys already, but gets it together to give very animated, energetic speech. Nice eyelashes too.

(9:13): Best actor in a “televisual movie” (ok, whatever you say) goes to Al Pacino in You Don’t Know Jack. He gets a standing O, as is his due. Like Annette Bening before him, Al Pacino is really savoring the moment. talking. slowly. Also, no one is playing Al off. The orchestra is really playing status games.

(9:12): Presenters Geoffrey Rush and Tilda Swinton are doing an amazing impersonation of Spy vs Spy.

(9:11): Oh, ha, Sylvester Stallone is introducing The Fighter. Thinking outside the box!

(9:05): Oh, so that’s how you pronounce “Mia Wasikowska.” Terrifyingly.

(9:04): I spoke too soon with the obscure Cholodenko reference, because Best Actress in a Comedy winner Annette Bening is rocking the exact same hair (albeit a little more electrocuted) and eyeglasses as her Kids Are All Right director.

(9:02): Robert Downey Jr’s dis at Ricky Gervais might have held more water if his own patter hadn’t been so lecherous and uncomfy.

(9:01): You guys, I thought Emma Stone was Kristin Chenoweth.

(8:59): Robert Downey Jr calls Gervais “mean-spirited” and “sinister,” and he means it. Yeah, this is not going well.

(8:58): Yeah, that movie is not going to win an Oscar for Best Picture.

(8:58): The reaction shots during this win seem incredibly angry for some reason. Zac Efron is not enthused. Jesse Eisenberg and Edie Falco are pissed. Natalie Portman and Benjamin Millipeid have perhaps broken up because of this.

(8:57): They are both so excited about Toy Story 3 winning Best Animated Film, because you know, they’re children.

(8:55): Bieber/Steinfeld! I would love it if Lisa Cholodenko and Justin Bieber could swap haircuts.

(8:25): Taylor Swift, that is how you do surprise face: Chris Colfer wins!

(8:48): Diane Warren accepts the award. Pays respect to Ronni Chasen and her mom. Also, we have mad respect for her blue eye shadow.

(8:46): And the Best Original Song is “You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me” from Burlesque. Looks like that free Cher concert really worked.

(8:45): Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Lopez co-present, giving us all a chance to see how mad Marc Anthony looks when someone fake flirts with his wife.

(8:43): Andrew Garfield stumbles on the word “Inspiringly” a number of times while introducing The Social Network, thus accidentally plugging the King’s Speech.

(8:36): Terrence Winter said, “Holy effing crap” during Boardwalk Empire’s win for Best Drama, which is probably something that Steve Buscemi has to say when they shoot the alternate takes for syndication.

(8:36): Wow, Buscemi shamed the orchestra into NOT playing him off. Still, this speech could use a little bit of naked Paz De La Huerta.

(8:35): As Steve Buscemi walks up to accept his Globe, I notice that Steven Spielberg is sitting right underneath what appears to be the teleprompter. He must feel like he’s getting a lot of unnerving eye contact tonight.

(8:33): Is all this good for Ricky’s career? Seriously asking. His lacerating jokes make Chris Rock’s famous Jude Law rant from the Oscars look like a mild poke in the ribs.

(8:46): And the Best Original Song is “You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me” from Burlesque. Looks like that free Cher concert really worked.

(8:30): Kyle here. Michelle Pfeiffer, where you been hidin’?

(8:26):“I think I just dropped my heart between Julianne Moore and Natalie Portman,” Colfer says before his sweet speech, telling regular kids to stay strong. Lea Michele actually looks happy for him, too.

(8:25): Taylor Swift, that is how you do surprise face: Chris Colfer wins!

(8:24): Leighton, we know you know we love you, but your business is showing.

(8:23): Ricky Gervais makes a Pac-Man reference we don’t understand, before introducing “Ashton Kutcher’s dad” Bruce Willis. Unfortunately, Willis is here to introduce RED, up for best comedy, which means we’ll be getting little segments about all the best picture nominees. Not gonna be short, this!

(8:20): Oh, adorable accents abound in the impossible to understand Carlos thank yous. Edgar Ramirez gets his hair smushed. He’s also adorable.

(8:18): Willa here. And after one commercial break, we’re already onto the awards you don’t care that much about! Best mini-series or TV movie goes to… Carlos! The reign of Temple Grandin is over!

(8:11): I shouldn’t be surprised that Glee’s Darren Criss is there, since he is now everywhere, but yep: he is at the Golden Globes, and he has a much better seat than Katey Sagal.

(8:10): Piper Perabo is laughing at her own nomination. But she should be happy, since her own pick – Katey Sagal – was the winner.

(8:07): One thing you may not have expected coming into this season is how good the press-averse Christian Bale has been at making speeches. His HPFA joke was priceless, and he got in some good loving family stuff. But was he censored at the very end, or simply cut off for going overtime?

(8:05): You’ve got to give Gervais this: he didn’t even attempt to couch his mean material with some relatively inoffensive jibes. Nope, it was all mean all the time. Someone took hosting notes from Armond White! Watch Gervais’s whole opener:

(8:03): See, that’s how you do it: a cut to Chris Noth nodding affirmatively at a joke about airbrushing on the Sex and the City 2 poster. Meanwhile, Steve Buscemi looks terrified as Gervais brings up Boardwalk Empire.

(8:02): Oh, they CLEARLY used their Brangelina reaction shot way too early. We need Angie shooting daggers during Ricky Gervais’s stinging riff on The Tourist!

(8:01): It only took a single minute before we got Ricky Gervais’s beer, Brangelina, and a Charlie Sheen joke. Yes, we get that this is your “thing,” Golden Globes.

(8:00): And we’re off!

(7:55): Hey everyone! Kyle here, starting off your Globes live-blog. I can’t wait for the show to begin, if only so that Carson Daly can go have a well-earned drink. The man has had to preside over some excruciating red carpet interviews, including one that Sandra Bullock flat out called “boring.”

Vulture Live-Blogs the Golden Globes