At Sundance, the Channing Tatum–Katie Holmes crime drama Son of No One has gotten a lot of press for its audience walkouts, but if anything could top it when it comes to moviegoer exodus, it would have to be the press screening for I Melt With You. Starring Thomas Jane, Rob Lowe, Jeremy Piven, and Christian McKay as four friends who rent a beachside house for a week to do drugs, cry and scream about their midlife crises, and do more drugs, it spurred nearly 50 people to go for the exits while the remaining press and industry folks indulged in unintentional laughter not seen since last year’s so-bad-it’s-good screening of Twelve (still, the movie sold to distributor Magnolia Pictures today). Maybe those walkouts were turned off by the movie’s constant drug-taking, which is so immense that the characters may have more lines of coke than lines of dialogue? Here are twenty of the film’s most convincing reasons to get high.
• Because you’re 44.
• Because women, am I right?
• Because you have to earnestly deliver the line, “You fuck lots of women. But have you ever … truly … loved one?”
• Because it will help you make more convincing dinosaur noises while eating lobster with your high friends.
• Because Jeremy Piven has just commanded, “Pass the blow, you fucking idiot.”
• Because you’re in a car.
• Because you’re on a pier.
• Because you want to indulge in unabashed “I’m so high right now” dancing.
• Because your son calls your ex’s new beau “Daddy.”
• Because you’ve just taken your shirt off for no reason.
• Because you want to talk about Cheryl Tiegs and you’re looking for just the right word to describe the way her nipples make you feel (said word is “Ga-GONG!”).
• Because you wrote a New York Times best seller once and have never been able to follow that up, and your good looks, full head of hair, and gym-perfect body simply cannot compensate for your dashed dreams.
• Because you’re a morally questionable doctor who gives away prescriptions like they were candy, and your good looks, full head of hair, and gym-perfect body simply cannot compensate for your dashed dreams.
• Because you’re under investigation from the SEC, and your good looks, semi-convincing hair restoration, and gym-perfect body simply cannot compensate for your dashed dreams.
• Because it will help the 20-year-old girls you’ve invited over (including Sasha Grey) find you attractive.
• Because a clip from the Challenger explosion was randomly spliced into the movie (for art).
• Because your sister died.
• Because your boyfriend died.
• Because your friend died and is decomposing in the bathroom.
• Because you’re in a movie that’s 122 minutes long (!!!), two-thirds of which is comprised of “we’re so high right now” montages where the camera shakes, the shutter speed varies, and the audience beats a hasty retreat.
