Jersey Shore Recap: Romance Is Not Dead

Jersey Shore

Free Snooki
Season 3 Episode 4

After an epic MLK Day episode on Monday, tonight’s JWOWW-centric show seemed like kind of a letdown: Snooki gets sprung from the pokey … JWOWW and the Voice of Tom break up … Ronnie’s duller twin performs Deena-lingus … Snooki takes a huge dump. Other stuff happened, too, but admittedly, our attention waned during the weakest offering of the season thus far. Here are the filthy dozen things we noticed.

1. Everyone’s Post-Arrest Outfits
While JWOWW and Deena were dealing with the aftermath of Snooki’s arrest (and the Voice of Tom’s dickish-yet-perceptive interrogation), in walked Vinny (wearing a Wheaties T-shirt), Mike (carrying an unusually large bag of laundry, and wearing a Rolling Stones shirt), and Pauly D, who was wearing a bizarre, fluorescent Garanimals outfit apparently stolen from the set of Kids Incorporated. But what was really weird was that JWOWW had on a pink “Free Snooki” tank top, meaning one of two things: (a) the T-shirt store had made these in advance, correctly assuming that at some point Snooki would be incarcerated and/or taken hostage this season, or (b) JWOWW stole the T-shirt press from the shop and is keeping it in the house, hidden in a secret compartment behind the Scarface poster.

2. Snooki’s Boob Cheese
We had to rewind and freeze-frame that split-second image of the stuff growing in Snooki’s cleavage. Although the girls claimed it was just caked-on sand (leading to Snooki’s new nickname “Sandy Tits,” which is also the title of a forgotten song from the Grease soundtrack), it looked more like a combination of mold, cigarette butts, and Desitin.

3. The Snooktervention
All episode long, Snooki almost came to the realization that she had an alcohol problem, and in a rooftop moment of clarity with JWOWW, Snooki identified her three addictions: “Bronzer, boys, and alcohol.” Sure, that’s a good first step, but even casual viewers are keenly aware that Snooki’s addictions also include “vending machine snacks,” “fuzzy slippers,” “trucker hats,” “animal prints,” and “diarrhea”.

4. MVPD and Clone Ronnie
With Snooki housebound in quiet reflection, and SamRon in the middle of their nineteen-hour sleep cycle, the first trip to Bamboo consisted of Mike, Vinny, Pauly, and … Deena? The newest cast member continued to cement her leading-lady status and prove she’s the Anti-Angelina by hooking up with Ronnie’s Doppel-banger, Dean, otherwise known as Ron: Legacy. Deena said that his faux-hawk was her “best thing” (wait a minute, on Monday she said dancing was her best thing!), and their courtship followed the familiar Jersey Shore flowchart: boy meets girl, boy dry-humps girl, boy develops mysterious wet spot on his jeans, girl invites boy to the jacuzzi. After a particularly grotesque make-out in the hot tub (which, if it’s not already, should only be pumping Clorox through its jets), Deena didn’t give Fronnie the “Golden Ticket,” only giving him a sneak peek at her (choose your own Roald Dahl–inspired euphemism here) Wonka Bar, Chocolate Factory, or Oompa Loompa.

5. The Return of Lauren
Remember that horrible LensCrafters model who cock-blocked JWOWW and Roger on Monday? She popped up at Karma again to apologize, which allowed the couple to “squash the beef” (is that a good or bad thing?) and “break down the last 72 hours.” We can do that for you, JWOWW! In a nutshell, you peed on someone’s property, forgot you and your boyfriend’s anniversary, and sweat/cried a lot. That pretty much breaks it down. Afterward, Roger sarcastically told JWOWW that he hated Christmas and kids (which was … kind of witty!) before saying, “I grew up in New England, how bad can I be?” For the answer to that, simply refer to the films The Town or The Fighter, or peruse the rap sheet of former Big Brother contestant and Bostonian Matt McDonald.

6. Back to the Boardwalk
Trips to the amusement park on Jersey Shore scream “filler,” and Roger and JWOWW’s follow-up date was no different; first they went through the Six Million Dollar Man Sasquatch time tunnel, and then to a generic haunted house, which, in decor and lighting, looked really, really similar to the actual Jersey Shore house. JWOWW said that Tom’s douchiness was basically “pushing her into Roger’s arms,” and as soon as Tom sees this episode, he’ll push her into oncoming traffic.

7. To Drink or Not to Drink?
Snooki confronts her demons once and for all, and declares that she no longer wants to drink. But Pinot’s okay, because “pregnant people do it.” And with that, Snooki bravely earns her four-second sobriety chip.

8. Pauly and Vinny’s Flipcam Fun
Their hilarious interviews with Snooki’s hair and JWOWW’s breasts immediately vaulted Vinny and Pauly D to the top of the “Who will replace Regis?” list. Next on that list? Snooki’s hair. And Jeff Probst.

9. More T-Shirt Slogans
At this point, the show really started to drag, so when the gang went for their shift at the T-shirt store (and by the way, was it us or was there the slightest hint of sexual tension between Danny and Snooki?), we decided to take note of some of the slogans on the shirts in the background. They’re confusing and horrifying. The creepiest ones said “She’s Only Thirteen” and “I Shaved My Balls for This”. The latter shirt had no punctuation mark on it, so we’re not sure if it’s a question (“I Shaved My Balls for This?”) or a statement of defiance (“I Shaved My Balls for This!”). Either way, if you’re looking for something daring to wear to a Seder, look no further.

10. The Genesis of Snicki
JWOWW and Snooki are rescued from the tyranny of the T-shirt shop by Roger and his buddy Nick — and they’ve brought some medium Dunkin’ Donuts Coolatta’s for the ladies! Snooki is instantly smitten with Nick, and when he says that he often wears hard hats and blue jeans, Snooki confesses that he — as well as one of the Village People — is perfect for her. They all make plans for a double date.

11. “I Might Have to Doublepanty It!”
This is what Snooki says as she’s preparing for her date with Nick. Yes, it’s as gross as it sounds. But before we could fully process the implications of this, Snooki reveals that every time she gets excited, she has to poop her pants. Mystery of the two-ply underpants solved! Snooki promptly proves her point by saying “I just had a baby in the toilet,” something that will make it impossible to ever look at babies or feces the same way again. So Roger and Nick pick the girls up and take them on some scary rides at the (groan) amusement park, which is probably the worst place for Snooki to be considering how she becomes incontinent when she gets nervous.

12. Seaside’s 11
JWOWW spends the night with Roger and finally breaks up with the Voice of Tom. As this is happening, Pauly D once again displays his comedy chops with a few well-timed “Roger that”s. Worried a jilted Tom has moved out of her house and left her dogs to die, JWOWW and Snooki race home to save them. That’s when things turned into a sleek high-tech heist film. The dogs are safe, but Tom has absconded with: the bed, JWOWW’S watch … and … a hard drive! Oh, what secrets did this hard drive possess?!? And what about the microfilm?!? Has it fallen into the wrong hands? Who cares: Hopefully next week we’ll see some more punching and yelling.

Honorable Mentions
- Pauly D’s genuinely hilarious JWOWW impression: “I got coffee … went to the T-shirt store … fucked Roger”.
- “Snookin’ for love is worse than a staph infection.”
- Nick’s “La Famiglia” Tattoo (or was that Snooki’s?) is great product placement for a brand of frozen pizzas.

Jersey Shore Recap: Romance Is Not Dead