1. Ken attempts to take charge while holding a Pomeranian in a matching outfit
Ken: Dah-ling! Your freeloader is testing our boundaries again! What’s next? He gets on the cell phone family plan? I pay for his wedding?
Lisa: Oh, dah-ling. Have some compassion for the poor, defenseless, hot Frenchie. Besides, I need something cute to haul around town, too, if you’re going to get Giggy all day.
Ken: Good point.
2. Camille presses the drama lever in a manner befitting an addicted lab rat
Camille: Heeey, Adrieeenne, it’s Camiiiiiiiille … So, like, if I were to invite you and Paul over on another bogus pretext … say, oh, I don’t know … a tennis tournament … would you be contractually bound to accept the invitation?
3. Camille presses the drama lever in a manner befitting an addicted lab rat, part 2
Camille: HEY, KYLE. IT’S CAMILLE! MY EYES ARE LITERALLY POPPING OUT OF MY HEAD! MY MANDIBLE IS IN DANGER OF PIERCING THROUGH THE SKIN FROM THE STRAIN OF FEIGNING ENTHUSIASM AT REQUESTING THE PLEASURE OF YOUR COMPANY FOR WHAT I HOPE WILL BE OUR ULTIMATE GRUDGE MATCH.
Kyle: Hello? Hello? I can’t hear you! Talk louder! There’s a banana in my ear!
Camille: I’M SO CLENCHED I THINK I JUST SHATTERED A MOLAR, POSSIBLY WITH MY ASS!
Kyle: Tennis? Great! We’ll be there with balls on!
4. Kyle checks in with Kim
Kyle: So, should I go to Camille’s tennis thingy?
Kyle: Great! I’ll go find my pom-pom socks! You’re my touchstone, by the way. I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t negate your every thought and deed.
Kim: Aw, thanks! I love you!
5. Pandora’s Big Day
Lisa: It’s my daughter Pandora’s 24th birthday, so Ken and I have invited a few close friends and a film crew to our other restaurant, Sur. It’s in West Hollywood. That’s 606 North Robertson Boulevard 90069, if you’re Mapquesting. Sur is spelled S-U-R and we accept all major credit cards. Oh, there’s the birthday girl now, with her boyfriend, the Prince William impersonator who keeps pretending to propose!
Kyle: So, Cedric. Lisa tells me you had a squalid upbringing. Dance, sexy monkey, dance, dance! Sing for your supper!
Cedric: Sure, babe. What are you in the mood for? Jackie Collins–style sex romp, or Dickensian tale of woe?
Kyle: Does the latter include helpless street urchins?
Cedric: You know it.
Kyle: Dickensian tale of woe, please!
Cedric (under his breath to Kyle): Your timing is impeccable. I owe you one, babe.
6. Taylor basks in her exquisite misery
Taylor: I thought I could do it. I thought I could marry for money. But God has cursed me with a soul. And Russell with not that much money. Why, Lord, why? Why did he have to look and behave exactly like a toad? Why did my princess powers fail to activate?
7. Camille and Mauricio hit balls
Camille: Hiiiii, Kyyyyyle!!!!! Oh my God you look gorgeous in that big girl’s blousy thing! It’s so billowy, like a tent! And the colors are really distracting. Fantastic! I thought I mentioned tennis, which is why I’m wearing this very small dress. Also, I want your husband to ogle me so that you will become enraged. Hey, Mauricio! Want to watch me bounce?
Kyle: So it’s an ambush. So I should have known. Breathe, Kyle, breathe! Do it for Mauricio’s commission!
Nick: Look at me, Camille! I’m wearing a funny wig! My wife and kids are standing around looking shocked, outraged, and bewildered as you make out with me in public! I’m going to end up embroiled in some kind of sordid OJ Simpson/Phil Spector type scandal. I can feel it. It will be sad and scary.
Camille: Whoo! Check me out, ladies! Your tunics can’t help you now!
8. The white party
Kyle: So the theme of my party is everyone wears white and eats Fatburger … It made sense when I first thought of it, okay? Shut up.
Taylor: I’m a fun person! I’m a positive person! I deserve to enjoy myself! I won’t let him crush my spirit!
Kim: They invited Martin? Why are they intent on destroying me? Why?
Cedric: Look at my cheeseburger!
Lisa: Why does it always come back to that with you?
Cedric: Isn’t that why you guys keep me around? For the innuendo? Hey, Taylor has big lips! Let’s insinuate things about Russell’s cheeseburger!
Taylor (melancholy): Ah, if only they knew of my pain! If only they knew how it pains my pain to watch this slideshow of Kyle’s happy family. They actually appear to enjoy spending time together! O, brave new world that has such people in it!
Kyle: Russell and Taylor are bumming me out. It’s hard to be around people who can’t bask in our happiness. Like Kim. People are so damn insensitive.
Lisa: Hey, Kim. Kim! Look! It’s Martin! He’s been hiding from you all night but we found him and dragged him in front of you like a wounded bird! What, you guys aren’t running away together? This is needlessly awkward for both of you? Being a matchmaker is so thankless.
9. The white party, act 2
Camille: Look at me! I deigned to show at this little barn dance! I am such a special, busy person. I really miss my husband, though. The thought of him makes me cock my head slightly to the left and emit sad peeps, like a baby chicken. Is that enough, you think? Where’s Kyle? I have a jabby little gag gift for her. With Kelsey gone, I’ve been feeling a little empty inside. I need drama. Give it to me.
Camille: Damn it!
Taylor: Look at Mauricio. He’s dancing with Kyle in front of dozens of people! What kind of spell has she put on him? I wish I had that. Instead there’s Russell at the Fatburger stand, looking like he’s posing for an Edward Hopper painting. It’s so depressing. I want to die.
Camille: I’m out of here. I’ll take a cheeseburger for the road. Toss it out the window at a homeless person or something.
Taylor: So, Lisa, how did you know Ken was the one? I mean, how many dates did you go on? I mean, is there anything I can do? Something nobody ever told me? Do I deserve to be loved, or do I need to get bigger lips first? Will he ever love me?
Taylor: Russell is not someone whose mood you can change. He lives on the dark side, like Darth Vader. I finally realized I have to do my own thing, as long as he sends the driver back for me. So, he left the party, and I let him go. I stayed, is what I’m saying. By myself. And as soon as he was gone I realized that I was still unhappy, because Russell is a black hole. A black hole with a laser-guided gravitational field that will suck me in no matter where I am and extrude me out the other end like a rock-hard, nuggetlike turd of compressed bitterness and regret. Also, he looks like a toad. A toad dressed in white. I came to the party to dance and have fun and be intimate with a cheeseburger. Instead, I’m falling apart when the host tells her he loves her. Because nobody loves me. Nobody.
Kyle: Oh, lighten up. Good riddance, seriously. Be happy that I have a perfect husband.
Taylor: Oh God. That thing’s happening again where I can see the people dancing but the sad music is playing and I can’t hear the happy music anymore. It doesn’t matter how much cake I have. Cake won’t fix this. I’m all alone. Alone.