1. Villa Blanca Confidential
Lisa: Hello, dah-ling!
Lisa: You look gorgeous.
Kyle: No, you look gorgeous.
Lisa: No, you.
Lisa: Whatever. Listen, here’s an amusing anecdote to distract you from the seed of doubt I’m about to plant, which I’m hoping will sprout and grow and then wilt, die, and fester in that fertile mind of yours.
Kyle: Fantastic! I’m sorry, what did you say? I never actually listen to anybody.
Lisa: All for the best, dah-ling. So, the reason I asked you here today is because you’ve been spending more time with that Oklahoman trout impersonator than you probably strictly realize, and I’d like to take it upon myself to set you straight, okay? Are you comfortable? Because you are getting very sleepy.
Kyle: Hey, lookee. Taylor’s on her way over now!
Lisa: Jesus, are you kidding me? Well, I better get to work then. Okay, remember that time in New York — oh, and by the way, when I say “New York” you will be inexplicably filled with rage — when Camille freaked out on you, seemingly out of nowhere?
Lisa: What happened in between?
Kyle: A butterfly flapped its wings in Brazil?
Lisa: Taylor stirred the turd.
Lisa: Think about it.
Kyle: Do I have to? I’d rather blame Camille. Here’s Taylor now!
Taylor: I’m breezing in! I’m a ray of sunshine! Hold my hand before I float away!
Lisa: Seriously, Kyle, you’re picking Damaged Barbie over me?
Taylor: Look at me! I’m fun! Whee!
Lisa: I don’t know who you think you’re dealing with, sister, but I don’t tolerate being lied to. The party-girl façade is not going to cut it if you’re not going to share the gory stuff, too. I want to hear more about that marriage of yours. Cedric can show you how it’s done, if you want pointers.
2. Camille gets dumped
Camille: Oh, hi, random assortment of hangers-on and employees!
Friends: Hi! Congratulations on your soon-to-be-ex-husband’s accomplishments! We texted him but didn’t hear back!
Camille: Oh, you know how it is — he hates you.
Friends: It is a little wearing to try to keep up the façade.
Camille: [In the interview booth.] So, okay, the moment you’ve been waiting for — and clearly it didn’t exactly take me by surprise — my husband called me in the middle of the night (I’m implying he was on something) and told me he was done with our marriage. I know it looks like I don’t care, but I swear it’s just the Botox. I am — what’s the word? — devastated. I begged him, “Please don’t leave,” and, “Don’t leave the family,” in the same impassioned monotone you hear me using now. The worst part is I have to go to the Tonys so he can put off going public with it until after the awards are given out. If I say he added we might have a romantic weekend, would you buy it?
Friends: What are you going to wear to the Tonys? When is Kelsey getting back? He’s coming back, right? Should we plan the welcome-home party yet? What about the parade? We sense something is going on that you’re not telling us. We won’t leave until you spill it.
Camille: Back off, remoras. I’ll tell you when I’m ready.
3. Kyle shops for Farrah’s graduation
Kyle: Hi, diamond saleslady!
Saleslady: Oh, hi! Look at you! You are the most luminous being that ever existed! You are an angel come to deliver us! I love that top!
Kyle: Thank you. I need to get a graduation gift for Farrah.
Saleslady: Our little girl who I met that one time is graduating? I’m quite literally overcome with emotion!
Kyle: Okay, I’ll buy something for myself, too. After all, this is a huge accomplishment for me! After all, what are kids but an extension of yourself? That’s what my mom always taught me. Oh my God, I’m scared! I’m stressed! What do these feelings mean?
Saleslady: I can’t believe I have to console you, you coddled, overprivileged heifer, when it’s me — me! — that has to stand here and say things like “Don’t cry!” “Shopping therapy!” and “Diamonds will fix everything!” God, I hate myself.
4. Kim gets interviewed on Disney Radio
Interviewer: Kim! You were a sex symbol a long time ago. How did you get started in acting? I have no idea who would be interested in this interview!
Kim: Well, the usual way, I guess. My mom was a failed actress who put all her dreams into us. So then I started doing movies and next thing I knew my childhood was over.
5. Adrienne and Paul go shopping
Adrienne: I’m going to hold up some dresses, and you can disparage them. Okay? Go. Do you like this?
Adrienne: Who cares what you think! How about this?
Paul: Looks like something the cat barfed up.
Adrienne: Your opinion is completely beneath my contempt.
Paul: This is good, right?
6. Lisa, Ken, and Cedric tour a winery
Ken: Mother was a prostitute my ass! I’m on to this freeloading Froggy.
Cedric: Thees eediot Ken thinks he can get reed of me so easily, he doesn’t know who he’s dealing with!
Lisa: What if I distract you with a reference to fellatio? Would that work?
Cedric: My abandonment issues are flaring up. You’re my real mommy. You wouldn’t leave me, would you?
Ken: Damn, foiled again!
7. Kyle and Farrah get dissed by the Hiltons
Kyle: Farrah’s graduation is coming up and I know her Aunt Kathy and Uncle Rick and cousins Paris, Nicky, Conrad, and Baron (that’s Hilton, you knew that, right? Hilton?) were so excited to go that they just decided to leave for Cannes the day before and have Kim relay the message. Can you believe? I just wanted my family to share this special day.
Kim: I’m there for you.
Kyle: My famous family.
8. Cedric is sad
Cedric: My story is very sad.
Lisa: Incredibly sad.
Cedric: It’s so sad that sometimes I think I’m unlovable.
Lisa: We love you! Up to a point.
Cedric: You’re all I have.
Lisa: I know, I know. You still have to move out.
9. Farrah’s graduation day
Kyle: The big day is here! It’s one of the most important days of my life. But of course it’s not about me. Except it is. I mean, I was looking at Farrah in her cap and gown and thinking I did such a good job. I’m the best!
10. Camille smiles through the tears
Camille: It’s so true what Mason’s dance teacher says. Dance is such a metaphor for everything that’s going on with me now. Wow. It’s important to smile through the pain. Of course he doesn’t have to do anything. I’m always the one that’s done all the heavy lifting in this relationship. My kids know that mommy’s here for them. And that’s okay because they have their nannies.
11. Farrah’s Graduation Lunch
Kyle: Farrah looked so beautiful.
Mauricio: I love her like a daughter.
Farrah’s father, Guraish: Did you have to go that big on the gift, though? Seriously, have some compassion.
Taylor: Russell is so busy with his busy busyness that I decided to come by myself. He’s not punishing me for last week or anything. Everything is fine!
Kyle: Farrah loved the ring, she’s just, you know, subtle. Didn’t want to make a big deal. But would it have killed her to squeal a little? For mommy?
Mauricio: Hey, check it out! My mom is like 75 and sexy because she’s a sexologist!
Adrienne: Get over here, lady! Do something.
Estella: Is there a problem? Tell me. I have 50 minutes.
Paul: We fight a lot.
Estella: I see. Maybe you are a little passive aggressive?
Adrienne: What a sweet little old lady. Cute degrees. I think she was saying you just have to suck it up at times, which is why they pay her the big bucks, I guess.
The Hiltons: Hi Farrah! Did you get our beautiful flowers? Were they beautiful? How about the check? Can you believe all the zeroes? Sorry we couldn’t wait to go on vacation, but we didn’t want to be on any show that didn’t have us as headliners.
Estella: This session is a little unorthodox, but I can see you’re in real trouble. Why must you always compete?
Adrienne: Passion. I like to call it passion.
Estelle: Sounds like an excuse to me.
Paul: Hey, ever think about a mini face-lift? Some fat injections? Here’s my card. By which I mean fuck you.
Estelle: Point taken.
Kim: Kyle is disappointed that Kathy wasn’t there. But I was there. As usual. Lil’ ol’ me.
12. Camille in New York
Camille: So I came to New York for the Tonys and lo and behold, our romantic weekend was not to be. Kelsey put me up in a hotel. And barred me from our apartment. I’m literally falling to pieces here, so much that I’m having a hard time deciding which dress to wear! The red one is great, but it’ll be a disaster if it rains. I like the black one, too. What should I do? What is to become of me? Oh, Kelsey, you’re here! Which one should I wear?
Kelsey: The black one will be better in the rain.
Camille: But I look so hot in the red one!
Kelsey: I am so beyond caring.
Camille: What if I try it on for you?
Kelsey: You really are nuts, aren’t you. I mean, what more did you want me to do? Punch you in the face? I barred you from our house!
Camille: Love you! By which I mean, I don’t what that means! [To the camera.] In my heart, I thought we could work it out, you know? So I just turned back to D.D. and continued dress deliberations as if nothing had happened. I went for the red. “Sexy or die” is my motto. Then Nick showed up with his wife and I demanded he kiss me on the lips. Mmmm … that’s gooood. Are you watching, Nick’s wife? Oh, Kelsey, darling! I’m running to you!
Kelsey: Heh-heh. Freak show!
Camille [To the camera.]: I really thought that when I landed this thrice-married famemonger, it would be for life.
D.D.: A toast! Here’s to love!
All: Here’s to love!
Kelsey: Oh, you want to play it that way? Then I’d particularly like to say thanks for all the love I’ve gotten from the British people. Well, one British person. Got that, Camille? Will anything knock that fake smile off your face?
Camille: No way, buddy. Here’s to marriage!