1. Kelsey Toasts Love and Marriage, Cont.
Camille: Where were we
How about a toast? Here’s to love!
Kelsey: Touché!
Camille: To thirteen years of marriage?
Kelsey: Ha-ha.
Camille: Get it?
Kelsey: Yes. Very clever.
Camille: What I’m trying to say is you’re a whore. To marriage!
Kelsey: Got that. Takes one to know one. To the 29-year-old British flight attendants!
Camille [to the camera]: I can’t describe this feeling I’m having. It’s almost like the death of a relative or a loved one
? Like a loss of some kind
? It’s as if I were being
abandoned by
someone
How can I explain? Like when you can’t remember where you parked your car
It’s this intense feeling of loneliness. Anyway. Words fail me. There’s got to be a metaphor for this. But what? You know what? Forget I said anything. I’ll grovel. I’ve got nothing but groveling time.
Kelsey: No dice, sister.
2. Kyle Visits Her Psychic
Kyle: Hi, psychic! You are the best psychic! I hope you don’t mind I brought my mom in a box.
Psychic: Mind? I love your gravelly mom!
Kyle: I brought a lock of her hair, too.
Psychic: Let me fondle it in its archival Ziploc. Hmmm … yeeees. She told me to tell you that the conflict you are going through … um, there’s another female involved in that conflict?
Kyle: My mom referred to Kim as “a female?” Awesome!
Psychic: And, I could be wrong — I usually am — but something about you feeling betrayed, maybe? Just tell me if I’m hot or cold.
Kyle: Wow, you’re good!
Psychic: You make it so easy.
3. Taylor Wanders the Streets of Beverly Hills in Search of the Meaning of Life
Taylor: Can you tell me what it is?
Lisa: I wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire, you friend-stealing whore.
Taylor: Never mind. Guess what! I guilted Russell into throwing me a birthday party. And it worked! Isn’t that unlikely?
Lisa: Extremely.
Taylor: I’m going to pretend to be “chagrined” about it, even though I’m so proud I could pop. Little things like this mean a lot to me, growing up hiding under a bed in Oklahoma as my stepfather beat my mom and I developed an active fantasy life. Is that a word? “Chagrined?”
Lisa: Yes, I believe you’ll find it is.
Taylor: “Chagrined.” “Cha-grinn-i-did.” Fun.
Lisa: So, really? That despicable troll you married for “money” decided to throw you a birthday party?
Taylor: Yes!
Lisa: Wonders never cease.
Taylor: I know, right?
Lisa: Well, anyway, whatever, down to business. We both know why Andy Cohen sent you here so let’s just cut the crap with the shopping montage and the “oh, I just happened to be passing by” bull-hockey, shall we? I mean for God’s sake, you look like someone peeled you off the side of a Barbie lunchbox, and I say that as someone who looks like me.
Taylor: Okay.
Lisa: I know and you know that you engineered the situation in New York which resulted in Kyle losing her marbles, creating a panic that allowed you to slip in as her new best friend. I watched you do it. Which is why you will now pay. You will confront Kim under the pretense of setting the record straight, and you will bring this grudge match to its thrilling conclusion.
Taylor: Yes, master.
Lisa: I’m glad we’re clear. Now go forth and wreak havoc.
Taylor: Yes, master.
4. Lisa Prepares for the Big Party
Dress Designer: I brought you three more dresses identical to all the dresses you already have!
Lisa: These are gorgeous! Tres Alexis Carrington.
Cedric: Can I ring for room service now?
Lisa: This is not a hotel, Cedric. You couldn’t afford it if it was.
Cedric: You think I don’t pay? I pay every day in psychic pain and humiliation and impotent rage. Why are you rejecting me again, mommy? Why?
Lisa: Oh, please.
5. Kim Gets Ready for the Big Party
Kim: Hi, makeup artist.
Makeup artist: What are you doing here?
Kim: I’m not sure. I started hanging out with these mean girls and now we go out to lunch and they tell me I’m wearing the wrong color on my lips.
Makeup: That’s a really sad story.
Kim: How do you think I feel? But it gets worse. I’m like the original Macaulay Culkin, okay? I worked every single day of my childhood. I provided for my whole family. I bought the house and the cars, but I literally did not know how to perform the most basic functions integral to my survival.
Makeup artist: Stop!
Kim: People did my hair and makeup for me! They brought me food! They streamlined my existence so as not to interrupt my ceaseless toil!
Makeup artist: Let’s talk about eye shadow! So pleasantly innocuous!
Kim: Oh, look at Kyle, she knows how to do her makeup. She had time to dab and blend. She wasn’t out there busting her ass every day on the Disney lot to support the family. The family that turned on me the minute I ceased to be the goose with the golden eggs. It’s tough to find time to experiment with makeup when you’re a character out of a Dickens novel, don’t you find?
Makeup artist: Blending and layering! Blending and layering!
6. Snowball Goes to Live on a Farm
Taylor: So, we decided that the best thing for Kennedy’s Snowball allergy would be to send him to live with a friend, and the best thing for my Russell allergy would be to go to Mexico and talk about our needs. Russell can’t wait.
7. Cedric Hangs On by His Fingernails
Ken: Okay, I know I’ve spent this entire season prancing around with my tiny, fluffy dog, the two of us in adorable matching outfits, but the season is now drawing to a close, Lisa has emerged as the Machiavellian puppet-master and won the show hands-down, our restaurants have gotten more free publicity than Lindsay Lohan on a stark-naked bender, and now we deserve a break from the rigors of tending to high-strung, needy pets like Giggy and Cedric. Do I suddenly seem manlier to you?
Lisa: Yes.
Cedric: But how do I know you won’t forget me if I don’t parade around in front of you half-naked every day?
Lisa: Oh, Cedric. You’ll be fine. The world is eminently hospitable to lost 37-year-old waifs with crippling abandonment issues who’ve just been turned out of the only home they’ve ever known. I think.
Cedric: You’re gonna miss me! You’re going to wish you were never born!
Lisa: That’ll probably be you, actually.
Cedric: Oh, yeah.
8. Kyle Gets Ready for the Party
Kyle: So, camp’s almost over. It’s been sooooooooooo awesome, but I’m, like, soooo excited to get back to my real life, ‘cause I, like, I need a break from these crazy bitches, know what I mean? Stay sweet, you guys! See you next summer!
9. Taylor Gets Ready for the Party
Taylor: So, we’re late for this party that Russell “planned” for me, and I’m really looking forward to setting aside any emotional issues like the ones that are causing me to jam these rings on my fingers with extreme force. You know, I want to kick back, have some laughs, don’t let the sound of Russell’s voice make me involuntarily clench my jaw and get all crazy in the eyes. I really try to focus on the positive, you know? Like the fact that if I were in a Titanic-style situation, my lips could probably keep me afloat for two weeks and/or if I were stranded in the Andes I could eat them if I had to. Also, I try not to imagine what my life would be like without Russell because when I do I start to see colors and butterflies and it scares me.
10. Camille and D.D. Wallow in the Sadness
D.D: How are you?
Camille: Terrible! I literally cannot choose an outfit!
D.D.: That’s bad!
Camille: I know, really bad! He was so cold on the red carpet. I mean, it’s one thing to order the doorman not to let me into my apartment, but it’s another thing entirely not to answer reporters’ questions about our marriage! That’s just cruel!
D.D.: I’m just going to give you 30 seconds of sad head-shaking and you can just loop it as needed, K?
Camille: Sure. I don’t know who this Mrs. Grammer impostor is — and I’m assuming it’s a woman, you can’t be sure, just saying. Doesn’t she know she’s tearing a family apart? How am I doing?
D.D. Very convincing and lifelike.
11. Par-tay!
Adrienne: So, when I go to a good friend’s birthday party, I not only bring my glitter weave and my sparkle shoes, I bring my PR guy. In Hollywood, that’s how most of us roll. Did that sound “street?”
Mauricio: Oooh … pretty flowers. And my wife looks soooo pretty. And that medication I’ve been taking is so nice and helpful. Oh, hi, sparkle-fairy! How are you?
Kyle: Oh, hi, Kim’s friend! What? Kim’s not here yet? You mean she didn’t arrive right on the dot for this large outdoor party? That’s outrageous! It makes me feel so bad. She’s such a burden. I can’t believe she had the gall to support me when I was a kid. Who did she think she was, my mom-substitute? I had a mom, thank you very much. A stage mom! Who made us work for her! Who kind of exploited Kim most of all but I didn’t really understand that because I was little and then Kathy married a Hilton and then I had to take care of Kim and I hate you mommy! I hate you mommy! I hate you mommy!
12. Camille and D.D. Bum out some more
Camille: I begged Kelsey to stay but he wouldn’t, which is ironic because up until the moment he left, my complaint was that he had me under his thumb, holding me back from realizing my full potential as a stripper ho-bag! Who knows what untapped potentialities lurk beneath these fearsome bags of hardened and apparently partially collapsed silicone? I could’ve been a contender! I could’ve been someone instead of a bum, which is what I am. He kept me in a cage! A $30 million cage! I can’t believe I settled for it. I’m worth more than that.
13. Meanwhile, Back on the Rooftop
Taylor: I’ve never been unhappier in my life. Oh, hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.
Kim: How did I wind up dressed like I just walked out of a Wild West Saloon? Why is life so hard? I need a drink. I’m gonna get crazy now.
Kyle (to Kim): Oh, hellew.
Kim (to Kyle): Helleeew. Well, that’s enough restraint. Caution to the wind!
Kim (to Lisa): Kim’s acting drunk. Just in case you hadn’t noticed. Pass it around.
Lisa: This is a recipe for disaster. Mmmm! Delicious disaster! Oh, Kim! Let me drag you in front of Martin just one more time. Just so we can watch the little mouse’s death throes. You’re the little mouse, see? Martin’s the cat. He looks like a big old cat doesn’t he? A seventies cat holdover. Probably lives in a studio in Burbank and is three months behind on his rent. Still, he considers you to be beneath him and we encourage that impression. Don’t thank me. Martin? Look what I have here. A gift!
Martin: Oh, fuck, not again.
Kim: Every day in every way I am becoming better and better.
Russell: Speech! Thanks everyone for coming to Taylor’s 30th birthday. Ha-ha. Get it? I don’t want people to know how old she is.
Taylor: 39.
Russell: Yeah, but a hot 39! A hot 39! You have one more year, sweets. Enjoy the beige house while it lasts.
Lisa: Poor Taylor. She chose rich over happy. I, of course, got to be rich and happy, which is a sign that I deserve it. [To Taylor] We’ll support whatever you do — by which I mean dump the bastard for our amusement and then take your chances. Oh, look, the Queen of Diamonds! You know what to do next.
Taylor: Yes, master.
14. Showdown
Taylor: Excuse me, Kim? May I speak with you?
Kim: Yes.
Taylor: I came over here on the pretext of clearing up this New York nonsense, although I’m not sure why, it all feels so far away … What’s not far away is my sublimated rage at Russell for showing me that my dreams of blingdom were a sad misguided delusion. I will now heap this anger onto you.
Kim: Oh, yeah? Well, not only am I socially awkward and slightly drunk, but I’ve spent the entire season being marginalized and ostracized by all of you bitches, foremost among them my sister, who can’t deal with the guilt of having sponged off me throughout her childhood and of seeing me looking older and fragile, with no house and no boyfriend, and so has decided that the best way to deal with those unpleasant emotions is to turn the tables. What I’m getting at is that I’m a ticking time bomb myself, okay, Damaged Barbie? Oh, boo-hoo! I grew up in Oklahoma and had to shop at Wal-Mart! I’ll see your abusive rural childhood and raise you one childhood spent contractually indentured to the Magic Kingdom!
Kyle: Did I hear my name? Is this a chance to go ballistic on someone?
Kim: Kyle, I’m going to point my finger in your face.
Kyle: Don’t you point your finger in my face!
Lisa: Oh, dear. What a pileup. Did I do this? Little ol’ me with my harmless suggestions?
Kim: Is this high school? Is this what I missed? Not being allowed to sit at the cheerleaders’ table?
Ken: Uh-oh. Lookit over there. Trouble.
Paul: The ladies, they love to argue. Personally, I don’t get it. Why would you argue in front of 75 people? Me, I require a televised audience, but that’s just me.
Kim: Oh, wait a minute. [She exits.]
Adrienne (to Kyle): Awk-ward.
Kyle: You don’t understand! I can’t deal with the guilt of having sponged off her throughout her childhood and of seeing her looking older and fragile, with no house and no boyfriend! I decided that the best way to deal with those unpleasant emotions was to turn the tables and pretend that I’m the one who was burdened! I’m so frail and vulnerable! Poor me! I’m the one who deserves sympathy.
Adrienne: Yeeee-aaah, I don’t see it. But whatever. You stay here and nurse your hurts, such as they are, and I’ll go downstairs and make sure your sister doesn’t fling herself in the path of a bus, K?
15. Post-Showdown Showdown: The Limo Tapes
Martin: What am I doing here?
Kim: No clue.
Adrienne: Hi, guys.
Martin: Hello, Adrienne. Kim is upset. Kim, tell Adrienne what your body needs. Do you need an ice pack? A Band-Aid?
Kim: Yes! I need an ice pack and an Elmo Band-Aid. They ganged up on me!
Adrienne: Yes, I see that. But your sister cares about you. You don’t see that care like I do because it’s invisible and you don’t own the required eyewear.
Kyle: I’m here to talk to Kim. Kim, what are you doing? Why are you acting like a freak? Oh my God, I can’t believe you are sitting in this limo!
Kim: I’m going to express my wish to be left alone in an awkward, ill-advised way.
Kyle: Are you insane? Then I’m going to react with rage and become abusive, you crazy psycho! Everyone thinks you’re a crazy psycho, even Mom, okay? Even the president! Why are you so dramatic?
Adrienne: Hmmm … This is interesting. And painful. Fight back, little person. Defend your right to exist! I see now that this monster-sister will stop at nothing in her quest to destroy you.
Kim: Yes, I feel you ganged up on me.
Kyle: What? How dare you! You insignificant speck! You psychotic maggot! I will whip you with my Crystal Gayle hair, you worm! Mom-killer!
Adrienne; Hmmm. I see.
Kim: Wait, don’t you remember when I was a child star and I supported you, and then you took my house?
Kyle: Oh my God. Did you not think I could become even more enraged? My rage knows no bounds! I’m going to leap across the frame in an extremely unflattering way. Vanity cannot contain my rage! Why am I so angry? I think I’m having a stroke.
Kim: As a child actress, I wish I was never a child actress.
Cue sad music.
Post-scripts
-Kyle and Kim still hate each other.
-Lisa and Cedric had an argument while he was moving out and now they hate each other.
-Russell and Taylor continue to hate each other.
-Adrienne and Paul hate each other with affection.
-Kim’s family hates her and checks her into rehab. Kim hates herself but finds enough to like that she checks herself out.
-Camille hates Kelsey. Kelsey loves the British people.
Fin.
