By now, what with the eight Oscar nominations, four Golden Globes, and ubiquity of the term “Winklevii,” you’re probably aware that The Social Network is the movie to beat this awards season. But lest you forget, or get distracted by Helena Bonham Carter’s mismatched shoes, the strapping young gentlemen of The Social Network (and Harvard) are out in full force on the interview and party circuits, charming reporters and Oscar voters with the collective powers of their smarts and/or six-foot-five, 220-ness. Watching four twentysomething guys (one of whom used to be in ‘N Sync) parade around in tuxes, it’s hard not to see them as a highbrow boy band, a rat (chat?) pack for the Sorkin worshippers. And like the Beatles, the New Kids, or even the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles before them, the members of the Social Network gang have specific personalities and skills, each appealing to a different audience — allowing for worldwide, or at least Oscar-wide, domination. Are you an Eisenberg follower, or more of the emo Garfield persuasion? We’ve broken down the dynamics below; pick a side, or collect all four.
Role: The (Very Reluctant) Front Man
Skills: Hyperarticulate rambling, word games, literary allusions
Personality: He’s the only member of the gang up for an acting Oscar, which makes him the de facto leader, but he’s not wild about the attention — as he notes often, usually with a reference to therapy. He also had to be begged by Scott Rudin to come up onstage to share the Golden Globe Best Picture win: So modest! Other topics of interest to Jesse include his cats, his geekiness, and his success-related guilt, which usually leads the conversation back to his therapist. But he’s not a total downer; in fact, despite his slight monotone, Eisenberg manages a self-deprecating braininess that’s pretty endearing, if you can follow the references. (“I’ll be reading one of the Cantos.” Ha! Ha?)
Crushers: Moms, nerds, Woody Allen buffs, this is your guy.
Role: The Deputy; also, the Obligatory Nice One
Skills: Emoting, web-slinging
Personality: As Eduardo Saverin, Andrew Garfield emotes for the entire cast of The Social Network, and the same can be said for his offscreen persona. He’s Mr. Sensitive — his feelings are as overwhelming as his hair. (Is that where he keeps them?) Since starting the new Spider-Man, he’s mostly been sharing his intense, crippling, Eisenberg-like fears about taking on that franchise — but he also smiles, sings silly songs, and talks about his bro-love for Jesse on the regular. Plus there’s his striking resemblance to Bambi and his concern for the fish.
Crushers: Moms, maybe you should quit Team Jesse and join the tweens and fanboys on Team Garfield?
Role: The Super-Handsome Bad Boy
Skills: Looking like a stud, talking like a stud
Personality: You know his measurements. He sleeps naked. He walks onto talk-show sets like this:
Crushers: Women over 30 (plus anyone who was Team BSB), gay men, aspiring Olympians, J.Crew shoppers
Role: The Actual Pop Star
Skills: Making awesome music, talking about being an actor
Personality: Timberlake has actually been MIA since his Golden Globes snub, though he’ll presumably be on the red carpet Sunday for the Best Ensemble SAG. When he has made appearances, he’s been rocking nerd glasses (though he’d probably style them Serious Actor Glasses) and a collection of sweaters to rival Dan Humphrey’s. The message: “Stop asking about the music.” The effectiveness of said message: ha, zero percent. Sorry, JT, but you’re the world’s greatest pop star! And you’re dating Jessica Biel, while romancing Mila Kunis on the side. Men respect you, women lust for you. Just work it: Even when we can’t remember what Facebook was, we’ll all still know the words to “Sexyback.”
Crushers: Aspiring billionaires, bros, all the women who remember that “Bye Bye Bye” wink