At the end of every episode of a Chuck Lorre Production (Two and a Half Men, Big Bang Theory, Mike and Molly), a new vanity card, with words of wisdom from Lorre himself, flashes on the screen. (Most shows have the same vanity card every episode: “Mutant Enemy, Argh,” “Sit Ubu, Sit,” Bad Robot, Shondaland, etc.) And the card that ran on last night’s episode of Two and a Half Men acknowledged the ongoing Charlie Sheen catastrophe. The card reads:
CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #329
I exercise regularly. I eat moderate amounts of healthy food. I make sure to get plenty of rest. I see my doctor once a year and my dentist twice a year. I floss every night. I’ve had chest x-rays, cardio stress tests, EKG’s and colonoscopies. I see a psychologist and have a variety of hobbies to reduce stress. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t do drugs. I don’t have crazy, reckless sex with strangers.
If Charlie Sheen outlives me, I’m gonna be really pissed.
While, on the one hand, this is an indication that Mr. Lorre is not feeling exclusively warm and fuzzy things for Mr. Sheen (who, to be fair, is not feeling exclusively warm and fuzzy things for Mr. Lorre), on the other, it is plain old true. Who among us would not be pissed? Seems like a fair point. UPDATE: Lorre also got in a more subtle dig during the closing credits of Mike & Molly, composing a vanity card poem that begins: “He felt dead inside/ No matter how hard he partied, he could never escape that simple fact - inside, dead.” Ouch.