When we saw the episode title, “Kissing Cousins,” in our DVR, we didn’t know what to expect! Wait, yes we did. Something gross, probably. And we’re not referring to the return of Sammi. Here are the dozen dirtiest things we learned and noticed:
We open with a shot from Paranormal Activity 3, as Snooki and Jianni/Bernard are lying in wet, sheetless, post-smush bliss. A ham-fisted (and is there a better term to describe sex with Snooki?) attempt at spooning ensues, which fails to live up to Snooki’s standards of cuddliness. And then, something incredible happens. She sends him home! Guilt free! Attention, Juiceheads of Seaside — if you ever wanted to have sex with Snooki without paying the horrible five to seven hour toll of an actual sleepover, just don’t spoon her! It’s like having your cake and banging it too! Over breakfast, Snooki announces that she had sex, but that “my vagina’s killing me.” No, Snooki: You’re killing it. There’s a chance it may have passed away back in season one. So Snook and her dead vagina set up a date with that dude Nick.
2. Easter Eggs
Pauly wakes up Mike and Deena for work by saying “get your wiener cleaner!” What did that mean? Was that product placement? If there’s any place where your wiener is not going to be cleaner, it’s in this house. The gang heads off to the Shore Store. It’s at this point we notice the ad for theshorestore.com on the sign outside. It may have been there before, but for some reason, this was the first time we saw it. Was the show getting all Lost on us, with fake commercials (more on that later) and links to websites that could unlock deeper mysteries?? No! Theshorestore.com is just a place where you can have “I Shaved My Balls For This?” shirts overnighted to a loved/hated one anywhere in the country. That was kind of a bummer, as we were expecting to find a picture of a polar bear. With genital warts.
3. Ronnie’s Dad Was Played By …
When we heard Ron’s Dad was coming by the house, we couldn’t remember if we’d seen him before, and we were casting him in our minds. We thought he was going to look like a combination of Jose Canseco, Lyle Alzado, and George “The Animal” Steele. But when he showed up, we got … Freddie Mercury? Young Dennis Farina? Frank Zappa on steroids? Edward James Olmos Almost? Every guy who’s ever delivered a pizza in any piece of pornography, gay or straight? Whoever that guy was, he looked younger than Ron, and actually seemed to be the voice of reason, even if he was calling Ron “bro”. Meanwhile Pauly and Mike come home with an unsafe mini-bike they won from tossing balls with carnies (also the name of Wilson Phillips’s new album) and — sorry, we’re still stuck on Ron’s Dad. Borat? Sam Elliott? My Name Is Earl? Anyway, while the gang is having fun with their mini-bike up on the deck, it’s noted that this is the first time Ron’s seemed happy since Sammi left. He loves that bike. Which means that in due time, Ron’ll have sex with the bike, break the bike’s futon, and then cry.
4. Snooki’s Love Rhombus
That is not the title of her upcoming reality show. Snooki wonders why Nick stood her up, even after she calls him twenty times. JWOWW does some recon with Roger, and it turns out that Jianni is Nick’s friend’s cousin, and said friend is Jeff, the guy from a few weeks ago who said something about promise rings. Honestly, we’re not sure who’s who, but it seems like they all got to third base with Snooki, and they’re all sort of related somehow. Ron thinks this is hilarious, and even when he’s laughing/joking with someone, doesn’t it look like he’s going to hit them really hard in the mouth??
5. Seriously? The Toilet Again?
We thought the clogged toilet B-story from last week was just a disturbing one-off, but no! Apparently, the clogged toilet has replaced Sammi as a cast member: They’re both orange and stinky and relentlessly annoying, so it makes sense. Anyway, it now looks like a prison toilet, and Vin has declared that unclogging it is his mission. To him, it’s like a boxing match, if one of the fighters was a bag of week-old feces and the other was an idiot who refused to call a plumber. Vin loses (well, we all lose). Snooki tries to cheer him by asking him if he wants to bang. Snooki, the guy just spent an hour inside a toilet. Having sex with you right now would be unsanitary. For him.
Is it us, or have the excursions to Bamboo and Karma been kind of uneventful since JWOWW peed on the floor? Tonight was no different. No dance battles. No grenade/stalkers. It almost made us wish for a good old-fashioned SamRon fight (the petty, jealous ones, not the violent, scary ones). The Snooki Loves Vinny story line is as fun and memorable as Joanie Loves Chachi. Vin says he’s not going to smush on Snooki the night after she smushed another guy, presumably out of friendship or because he knows it takes at least 48 hours for skank to regenerate.
7. “Don’t Ruin Your Life Over Me”
This line was said by, and to whom?
a. Sammi to Ron, over the phone
b. Xenedrine to Ron, before he commits yet another felony assault
c. This show to its viewers
8. The Funniest Thing in Jersey Shore History
Mike’s taxi prank on Snooki and Deena was genuinely hilarious. For those who tuned out when Vin was fixing the crapper, basically, Team Meatball had Mike order a taxi for them to go to a club in Point Pleasant (a few minutes away) — but Mike secretly told the cab driver to take them to Times Square, and that it was a surprise! This was retaliation for Deena and Snooki inexplicably ruining a bag of marshmallows by sticking them around the house. The best part of Mike’s prank was that Deena and Snooki didn’t realize that they’d been Sitch’d until they saw the Manhattan skyline.
9. Mike Unravels
Mike takes too long to get ready, so the guys go to
The Olive Garden Rivoli’s without him. Mike’s pissed that his boys left him while he was in the shower, and now he has to miss out on gigantic plates of pasta. By the way, guys, probably not the best place to dine if you don’t have a working toilet in your house. Anyway, Mike’ll show them. He and JWOWW get take-out, and Mike proceeds to have a six-course meal at the table, alone, pretending that his housemates are with him. Seeing Mike have conversations with his imaginary roommates was a bit sad and Shining-esque, until he asked nonexistent Ronnie, “Why you crying all the time?”
10. And the Dina Lohan Award for “Mother of the Year” Goes To …
Sammi’s Mom! Who doesn’t intervene when her daughter announces she’s going back to the house with the xene’d up psycho who abused her and vandalized her property! Sammi, why are you going back and why are you wearing glasses? You know that’s the first thing Ron likes to destroy! Whatever you do, don’t wear a futon. Ugh. Niki, Sammi’s sister, gives her a pep talk, saying that if Ron doesn’t behave, she’ll go over there and “have a talk with him,” which means they’ve either banged or will bang. Oh, and the crazy stalker flowers Ron sent last episode are still fresh — how long has Sammi been gone exactly?
11. Wait, Wait — Go Back! What Was that Commercial???
Yes, technically this isn’t part of the show, but it deserves mentioning. Pauly D.] Was in a commercial. For Miracle Whip. That is not the name of a club in Seaside. It’s the sandwich spread, or the salad dressing. Whatever the fuck it is, Miracle Whip is disgusting. As we said earlier, we thought this was a fake commercial, like Lost used to have ads for Oceanic Airlines. Nope, this was real. Remember how a year or two ago, Radio Shack tried to “go young” by referring to itself in ads as simply “The Shack,” as if that were somehow cooler? Apparently, Miracle Whip (which is the Radio Shack of condiments) is trying to do the same thing, so now it’s going by “M W”, sporting a new catch phrase (“Are you MW?”) and enlisting Pauly D as its spokesperson. All of this is absurd, especially since Pauly doesn’t use Miracle Whip on sandwiches, he uses it in his hair.
12. Dammit …
Team Meatball returns from their Mike trip to NYC. They’re upset for a bit, but then acknowledge that it was a pretty good prank. Besides, they got drunk and probably had a three way with the cab driver. Then, the guys come back from Rivoli’s, and Vin gives the restaurant a ringing endorsement: “Every time I eat at Rivoli’s, I feel like I want to die.” They’re in food comas, and Mike’s sort of pissed, but it seems like something that will wear off by next episode. Pauly says some funny stuff, Ron’s making Ron-Ron juice, they’re all making fun of each other’s accents. All is well. Until … dum-dum-DUM … the flip-slops of doom! Sammi’s back! Her return, while stupid and dangerous, would have been much more dramatic if she hadn’t announced her intentions a few minutes ago. Anyway, Ron channels all of his rage into his blender, storms off, and the audience is destined to experience the previous eight episodes all over again.
Burning Questions/Honorable Mentions
- Why does Danny pretend to be all pissed at the cast when they show up for work, even though they are the best thing that ever happened to him?
- This is the second appearance by a tiny cycle this season, following Snooki’s ride on that diseased trike in the drug store.
- Alex Trebek? Geraldo Rivera? Ned Flanders?