We’re aware that Andy Cohen is constantly scoping out new metropolises to shame with his Real Housewives franchise, and we wondered what would be next. A Real Housewives of Connecticut would have been nice — the preppy lockjaws versus the hedge-fund wives. There’s something about awkward, conflicted, semi-embarrassed housewives that really endears them to us. We think it has to do with the quirky way in which they enter into the deal with the innocence and expectations of baby fawns. Alas, instead Bravo is taking the franchise to Miami (starting February 22), which makes sense, what with its surplus of well-groomed, well-preserved party ladies of a certain age. Ladies who won’t look out of place at fashion shows and clubs (business Stacy, we hardly knew ye!). It’s not like we’re surprised or anything. We just hope the new girls understand the bar has been raised. And we’re not just talking about the RHOBH’s camera poise, their reliance on injectible fillers, and their ungodly sums of money. We’re talking about a level of candor, a lack of inhibition, and a willingness to say exactly what they are thinking at all times that has brought the game to a whole new level (and nearly killed the Subtext Translator in the process).
Previews of the first Miami season (seen below and with further incriminating clips here) would indicate that the show is once again using the “Housewife” label loosely; only three out of the six are currently married. At least two of them have high-powered jobs — there’s a magazine editor and the owner of a PR agency — and five out of six have kids, though the childless housewife has a psychic mom with lips the size of newborn twins. Three of the Housewives have the smallest noses ever sculpted, suggesting nose trends in Miami differ substantially from those in L.A.
No doubt recognizable types will emerge, but for now it’s looking like Larsa Pippen (wife of Scotty) will reveal herself to be the success-obsessed, type-A helicopter mom (possibly veering into Tiger Mom territory?); the matriarch Lea Black will compensate for her relative lack of youth by positioning herself as the Caroline Manzo, but her bitchiness and ego might land her more in Jill Zarin territory. Alexia “Cuban Barbie” Echevarria, the magazine editor, seems mild-mannered and level-headed enough to come to be known as the poor man’s Maloof. PR person Marysol Patton is promising because of her psychic mother, of course, and for having the kind of career (“events” for “A-list clients”) that requires a lot of screaming about things like forks. Cristy Rice, recently divorced from NBA player Glenn Rice, is the party girl on the loose, and Brazilian bombshell Adriana Sidi is the threatening slut. Will the slut once again be the show’s breakout pariah? Did Camille land herself a part on $#*! My Dad Says?
Make sure to come back to Vulture after the premiere: The Subtext Translator will be put to work in recaps on this new group.