vulture lists

Five Cities Besides New York and L.A. That Movie Aliens Should Invade

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Photo: ? 2011 Columbia TriStar Marketing Group, Inc. All Rights Reserved. **ALL IMAGES ARE PROPERTY OF SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT INC. FOR PROMOTIONAL USE ONLY. SALE, DUPLICATION OR TRANSFER OF THIS MATERIAL IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED.

Movie aliens are so predictable. Every time they find intelligent life on earth, they grab a whole boatload of their super-advanced weaponry, mass up legions of bloodthirsty soldiers — and then use all that otherworldly force to target the same. damn. places. How many times have you seen ominous saucers hovering above the skylines of New York, L.A., and Washington, D.C., raining hellfire down on those cities’ most prominent monuments and buildings, and then crashing down once their one massive vulnerability is exposed? Battle: Los Angeles, in theaters today, is the latest example of the coastal-based Hollywood elite’s glaring lack of innovation in the field. In hopes of rectifying the situation, Vulture selected five unheralded municipalities and worked out the reasons why they’d all function perfectly well as places for aliens in movies to ruin.

This tiny North Kansas town may not have many notable residents or buildings over three stories high, but they do have one piece of elemental Americana: the World’s Largest Ball of Twine. Picture this: Warmongering aliens from deep space touch down and take advantage of Cawker City’s residents’ (presumably) famed openness and hospitality to pillage and loot unperturbed … until, that is, they mess with the wrong World’s Largest Ball of Twine. Seeing their treasured World’s Largest Ball of Twine in danger leads the trampled townspeople to rally, and they use that same (presumably) famed openness and hospitality to defeat the aliens (we’ll have a script doctor work this bit out later). In order not to harm Cawker City’s actual World’s Largest Ball of Twine, we’ll use one of these other cities’ alleged World’s Largest Balls of Twine as a stand-in.
Everyone’s always making fun of how depressing a place Cleveland is, right? Their sports history alone — including such ignominious moments as The Drive, The Shot, and that time LeBron James moved to Miami — is comically sad. Wouldn’t it be almost cathartic, then, even for proud Ohioans, to see Cleveland razed by alien attacks? Most of the movie would be Cleveland getting rocked; then, at the end, the townspeople would come to some sort of understanding with the aliens. Eventually, utilizing the aliens’ advanced training methodology, the Browns win the Super Bowl.
According to the DEA, in 2009 Missouri had more crystal meth “Clandestine Laboratory Incidents” than any other state in the country. That’s a colorful fact! And why can’t snooty Hollywood producers see the potential there? Advantage No. 1: When the aliens carpet bomb Jefferson City, all the unstable chemicals in all the meth labs will lead to more dramatic explosions. Advantage No. 2: The redemption arc — as the aliens move in, even taking over the meth business, the meth cooks fight back, finding a purpose for the first times in their lives — is built-in.
Excellent Tex-mex cuisine, historical landmarks, the beautiful River Walk — San Antonio is sorely underrated! What better way to ramp up tourism awareness than a slick Hollywood blockbuster in which aliens destroy all that is good in SA? And the potential for stirring “remember the Alamo? Well, this is our Alamo”–type motivational speeches from fictional leader characters is so obvious we don’t even really need to get into it here.
You know which Fortune 500 company is headquartered in Omaha? ConAgra Foods, Inc. You know what ConAgra Foods Inc. makes? Everything that is good: Chef Boyardee, David’s Sunflower Seeds, Andy Capp’s Hot Chili Cheese Steak Fries, Slim Jims … we could go on for a while. Here’s the point: Aliens always think they should target heads of government, like that kind of thing would immediately bring the United States to its knees. You know what would really freak Americans out? Not having delicious snacks readily available. Think outside the box, aliens.
Five Cities Besides New York and L.A. That Movie Aliens Should Invade