vulture lists

Which Movie Characters Have Had the Most Epic Night Ever?

Take Me Home Tonight, in theaters today, doesn’t only mark the return of Topher Grace. Much more important, it’s the latest entry in the treasured One Crazy Night movie subgenre — which means today is a perfectly good time to ask: Of all the epic nights of mania we’ve seen onscreen, which has truly been the nuttiest? As in: Which movie characters managed to accomplish the most in their one night of madness?

To figure it out, Vulture went back through the subgenre’s most prominent participants, tallying the number of activities in which the movie’s main characters took part. The house rules: only things that happened during the actual night count (meaning much of The Hangover, as well as the most important bits of Sixteen Candles, don’t apply). Also, with ensemble movies, we focused on the characters or group of characters that were most productive (e.g., McLovin in Superbad, Simon in Go). And while this is obviously extremely subjective, the rule of thumb for what would be an activity that counts toward your tally is, would it be something you would definitely tell your buddies about the next day, when recounting your epic night? Okay, to the scoreboard!

Sam Baker Misc.: Have birthday forgotten by everyone; take grandparents’ foreign exchange student, Long Duk Dong, to the school dance; befriend Anthony Michael Hall and give him underwear Count: 3
Jesse and Celine Misc.: Share a kiss in front of Vienesse landmark with a person you met on the train; get a poem, “Delusion Angel,” from a guy on the street; stage fake phone calls in a café; have sex Count: 4
Curt, Steve, John, and The Toad Damage: Police car, by ripping out back axle along with a youth gang; other car, by taking part in a drag race Misc.: Cruise around in a 1958 Chevy Impala; pick up girls; attempt to arrange a booty call through a famous radio D.J. Count: 5
William Licther Consume: Alcohol, for the first time ever, in form of keg beer Run Away From: Cops, breaking up a high-school party Misc.: Plot revenge but don’t enact it; befriend popular kid; make out with two girls; sing a monstrous version of Guns n’ Roses “Paradise City” Count: 6
Nick and Norah Misc.: Make out while pretending to be dating; find a lost friend at a gay cabaret show, where she’s dressed as a Christmas tree; reject ex-girlfriend and current hookup buddy; engage successfully in “outercourse” while at Electric Lady Studios; find the mythical band Where’s Fluffy?; get in a fistfight with hookup buddy Count: 6
Simon and Marcus Steal: Ferrari, accidentally, when customer mistakes you for a valet; handgun, in the glove compartment of the Ferarri Damage: Strip-club bouncer’s arm, by shooting it during chaotic lap dance; hotel room, while accidentally starting a fire during an impromptu three-way Run Away From: Strip-club goons Misc.: Bribe a small child to open the connecting hotel-room door, facilitating the escape Count: 6
McLovin Damage: Own face while getting punched by liquor-store robber; police car, by shooting it and setting it on fire Misc.: Drink beers and bro out with cops; assist in an arrest of a drunken bum; lose virginity in an upstairs bathroom, for a few seconds; get fake arrested, burnishing legacy. Count: 6
Adam, Lou, Jacob, Nick Damage: Time-space continuum, by accidentally going back in time to the eighties via a magical hot tub Misc.: Break up with girlfriend and meet a cool music journalist; stand up to ski-lodge bullies; unsuccessfully attempt to use knowledge of the future to win a sports bet; successfully perform a Black Eyed Peas song at an open mike; conceive a son; travel back to present day, where everything has turned out to be much better Count: 7
Paul Hackett Run Away From: Angry mob in Mr. Softee truck Damage: Self, by getting made into a plaster sculpture Misc.: Meet a girl who later kills herself, plus a few other crazy girls; lose all your money; almost get a Mohawk by force; see Cheech and Chong steal a statue; get stolen, as a statue, by Cheech and Chong; escape from Cheech and Chong Count: 8
Mitch Kramer Consume: Beers; joints Damage: Mailboxes, with trash cans (is complicit only); car windshield, with bowling ball; Ben Affleck’s clothing, with paint Run Away From: Crazed guy wielding gun, upset about his mailbox Misc.: Cruise around town; hang out at outdoor keg party; make out with sophomore Count: 9
Phil and Claire Foster Consume: A fancy dinner Run Away From: Gangsters/corrupt cops, several times (by foot, boat, etc.) Steal: Dinner reservation, by pretending to be the Tripplehorns. Damage: Ex-client’s office, by breaking in for help; ex-client’s apartment, by breaking in; Audi, by crashing it Misc.: Find flash drive at center of mystery; go to strip club pretending to be a prostitute and a pimp; wear a wire and get mobsters arrested Count: 9
Chris, Brad,Sara, Daryl Steal: A Playboy containing incriminating material, thereby inadvertently becoming people of interest Damage: Self, in fight on the train Misc.: Pick up friend in trouble and get stranded when car gets a flat tire; climb into a stolen car; sing the blues with Albert Collins; go to hospital; go to frat party; see boyfriend flirting with skank; get chased into a building by car thieves, then rescued; get home before parents do and clean up; kiss crush from frat party Count: 11
Alan, Phil, and Stu Consume: Roofies, accidentally Steal: Mike Tyson’s tiger; $80,000 from Asian mobster; Asian mobster, by putting him in the trunk of a car; a police car Damage: Own tooth, on a bet; own hand, while attempting a wolf-pack initiation ritual Misc.: Get married to a stripper; go to the hospital; receive fellatio in elevator from older lady; fight Wayne Newton; put friend and his mattress on the roof of the hotel Count: 12
Harold and Kumar Consume: Marijuana, multiple times; White Castle Run Away From: Princeton campus security; Freakshow, a frightening tow-truck driver, after he solicits sex; the police Steal: Extreme dudes’ car Damage: Selves, by being bitten by raccoon; car, by driving it into a ditch; police officer, by accidentally punching him in the face Misc.: Observe girls in bathroom playing “Battleshits”; perform surgery on a gunshot victim; pick up a high-out-of-his-mind Neil Patrick Harris; hang glide Count: 13 Winners!
Which Movie Characters Have Had the Most Epic Night Ever?