The Real Housewives of Miami
1. Morning After the Gala, Girls’ Power Gossip Breakfast
Marysol: Oh my God, I’m hung-over. What’s up with you, bright eyes?
Lea: I don’t drink — one of the many ways in which I’m superior to you. What about you lushes?
Adriana: I stopped counting at the fifth glass, because that’s as far as I know how to count. Also, I blacked out.
Lea: I don’t have fun at the gala. I’m too important to have fun.
Adriana: So, can we lay into Cristy now?
Lea: She’s toast.
Adriana: You’re scaring me. I like that.
2. Cristy and Larsa Grab a Cocktail
Larsa: So, party. Spill.
Cristy: Oh my Gah, I went through all the effort of like, looking cute? With my gown? Just to have a cocktail and say hi? They should have paid me.
Larsa: They should. You need the money. Plus, it was really cute of you to go, even after getting a flat tire. People should pay us just to be us.
Cristy: Oh my Gah, let’s dance.
3. Larsa, Alexia, Lea Wait on Adriana
Alexia: She’s late! But she invited us!
Alexia: Late to a party is one thing. Late to lunch is another thing. Late to coffee would be a third thing. I like pointing out the obvious. Lunch is when you eat and if someone is late, you don’t eat until later. Like that.
Larsa: That’s not cute. Half an hour is cute. An hour is not cute. What do you think of this catchphrase I’m trying out? Cute, huh? Cute.
Lea: I have one, too. Mine’s “Stop right there.” What do you think? Trademark. Check it out, I’ll call Adriana. [Dials.] Where are you?
Adriana [on phone]: Oh my God, I had to help my son with his homework, which made me late for my hair appointment, which made me late for my makeup appointment, which made me late for the guy who puts my shoes on for me, which made me miss my exit and do a U-turn on the freeway, which made a cop pull me over. Oh my God, Americans are so rigid and have so many rules.
Lea: Stop right there. What do you think? Catchy, no? Stop right there. Lecture, lecture, lecture. I love it.
Larsa: I’m late, too. We have a lot of hair, a lot of kids; it’s cute. Oh my God, I was up until two-thirty the other night.
Lea: Stop right there. What were you doing until two in the morning?
Larsa: Adriana was dancing with some random dudes. What? What did I say?
Lea: What random dudes? What dudes? Did they touch her? She’s mine! I’m going to kill her. I’m going to threaten her with going to Phillippe. Let’s see how she likes sleeping on the floor of that gallery again, hussy. Stop right there.
Larsa: Lea is Adriana’s fairy godmother. It’s so cute.
Adriana: I’m here, are you still talking about me? Aren’t I worth the wait?
Lea: I’m gonna get you.
4. Adriana Tells Us About the Art Scene
Adriana: Miami has become a hub for art and galleries are well-sought-after. I’m not sure what that means. I have a show opening in a couple of days and the Brazilian artist I chose is late! I can’t believe it. Why does he keep making sad puppy eyes at me? How dare he make me wait? We’re screwed.
5. Alexia and Peter Enjoy Breakfast
Alexia: Good morning, son. You know me, I like to get up early so you have to, too. You know me, I don’t like clothes on the floor. Pick them up. Come eat pastries; don’t get fat. Want me to throw you a graduation party? What? You’re underage! The D.J. is $10,000? Are you crazy? I’m not paying that. I could get a ten-person band for that. Do you want a ten-person band? No? Hey, what’s that charge on your credit card at a jewelry store? You spent $600 on a ring for your girlfriend? She’s a strong woman like me, that’s why he likes her. She reminds him of me. Does that hussy appreciate what a good boyfriend you are? My head is going to explode.
6. Larsa en Famille
Larsa: Scottie? I’m calling because I want to buy my 16-year-old brother a car. How much can I spend? Like, Range Rover, Mercedes, what?
Scottie: Uhhhh, how about a Toyota truck, you lunatic?
Larsa: Okay! I don’t know the difference! I live in a beautiful world of oblivion! It’s cute!
7. Adriana’s Gallery
Adriana: Oh my God, artist! You’re not done! You farted around all day and now the portraits of the Miami celebrities we’re honoring aren’t finished and I’m going to be screwed!
Artist: Women. All you do is bitch.
Lea: She’s screwed.
8. Marysol and Her Fiancé Visit Her Mom
Elsa: Finally, the camera crews deign to show up. Don’t you know I’m the star of this show? Please, I’m so grotesque it’s sublime. Plus, face it, I’m hilarious. My comic timing is impeccable. Also, I’m wasted.
Marysol: You’re my hero.
Elsa: I’m a witch.
Marysol: I’m gonna go.
9. Larsa Buys a Truck
Larsa: I just spent $25K on a huge truck for my little brother who barely knows how to drive. Oops! I better get around to calling the insurance company I guess.
10. Adriana Gets a Call While Driving
Business partner: Where are you?
Adriana: I don’t know, driving around.
Business: I’ve been here since this morning dressed in jeans like a laborer!
Adriana: That sounds really bad. Want me to send my makeup guy over?
11. Alexia Takes Peter to the Gym
Alexia: Peter needs to get in shape for his modeling career, so I’m getting him a strong woman trainer. Not a good-looking one, though. He likes strong women telling him what to do.
12. Adriana’s Opening
Cristy: Art is okay. I collect Cuban art. Maybe Brazilian art has another twist — like, it’s Brazilian or something.
Adriana: Men don’t understand that it’s okay to get to your own party ten minutes before it’s over because you have to get your hair and makeup and nails done. But I’m finally here!
Lea: Oh my God, you should have let me help with the list. There are some B-listers here. It’s so embarrassing. Do you feel bad? You should feel bad. Oh, look. A huge picture of me! That I’m now forced to buy. Nice. Good move, Adriana. I’ll get you yet.
Larsa: Art is cute, but Cristy and I don’t care because they didn’t do portraits of us. Let’s go!
Adriana: So then I had this other artist flown in from Paris to do some live doodling. I didn’t do it to spite Marcus or anything. It was a happening! You know, like they did in the sixties before I was born.
Friend-of-Marcus: Oh my God, you brought another artist into an artist’s show? I’m going to yell at you!
Adriana: You’re going to yell at me in the middle of this gallery show? I’m going to yell back and scream at you to get out!
Business partner: Um, that did not make you look good.
Adriana: Should I call my makeup artist?
Lea: Oh my God. I can feel myself dropping down the alphabet.
Adriana: Someone stepped on the painting! Nobody gets out of here without a shoe inspection. I am the best gallerist ever. I am the next Leo Castelli. I better call my makeup artist.