The Real Housewives of Miami
1. Marysol Getting Ready
Marysol: So, it’s my wedding day in Aspen! I’m worried about my hair. Will it look weird in the pictures? Oh, and also, my fiancé is freaking out. Will he look weird in the pictures?
2. Alexia Has a Crush
Alexia: See this hot guy? Cuban Brad Pitt. You know why? Because I said so. Last time we put him on the cover, Herman was all, “Who is this guy?” And I was all, “Who cares? Look at him! You’re not taking this away from me, Herman! Why else would I slave away for five hours every week? I deserve a little something for me. We’re putting him on the cover, Herman. We’re putting him on the cover twice!”
3. Larsa Plans a Party
Larsa: Cuban, Cuban, Cuban! I’m getting an Italian chef for my cooking party! And by Italian I mean a meat monster from New Jersey whose face looks like Mickey Rourke’s face’s test run. Cute! Plus, he’s going to throw meatballs at those bitches. Cooking parties aren’t supposed to be competitive, but I feel like, if you’re not making other people feel inferior to you, then what’s the point of living? Seriously, I want to know.
4. Marysol Getting Married
Marysol: So, let’s get up on that gondola in our wedding costumes.
Philippe: It’s not weird.
Marysol: Not at at all.
Philippe: Plus, the awesome thing is that the cold feet I’m getting — ?
Marysol: Are because you’re ankle-deep in fresh powder.
Philippe: Which in Miami means something else.
Marysol: Yes. Look! A strange man in tweed! He will now join us in holy matrimony!
Philippe: I don’t think it’s weird that he’s reading our vows to us, do you?
Marysol: Not in the slightest. Nor is it weird that you keep referring to me as your “friend.” I’m crying, but not for the reason I thought I would be.
5. Alexia Goes to the Photo Shoot
Alexia: Oh, hi! Look at my cleavage! Oh, and look at William Levy, the Cuban Brad Pitt. It’s all about him — his looks, his attitude, his looks, the little poses he strikes, the way he looks when he strikes the poses … Hey, makeup lady, hands off the merchandise, okay? Flirting is healthy. It builds bone mass. I need that, my doctor said. You know, the best part of my job is working with celebrities. I get to spend five … six … quality hours with them and when they take off their clothes and I get to see their naked side … Hugging is nice. And cashing in on favors.
6. Lea Inspires Young, Apathetic Minds
Lea: I’m a mentor to so many people, like these little losers, here! They are just getting out of foster care and they need an erstwhile trophy wife like me (what? I was too!) to inspire them to greatness. Like you, sad girl: Tell us about yourself.
Girl 1: I want to be a surgeon.
Lea: Really? Oh, that’s gr— how about you?
Girl 2: I’m studying cosmetology.
Lea: Thank you. Did you get a load of smarty pants over there? I want these stupid girls to be able to relate to me, which is why I came in totally unprepared and proceeded to waste their time with an improvised lecture on the laws of attraction. Imagine yourself slicing open a thorax, and before you know it you will be wrist-deep in viscera. Shit, why don’t any of these girls want to be rich housewives? What do I know from making a living? And why are they all looking at me that way, especially that fat purple-haired one with the acne? Can I help it if ever time I thought of a hypothetical example of a negative thought I was describing the physical traits of some girl sitting across from me? Oh my God, was it obvious? Thank God I didn’t say “My hair is purple” or “I look like I just escaped from an acupuncture clinic, what with all these piercings.” Oh, well. How about you, hopelessness personified? What do you want to be when you grow up next week and are forced to fend for yourself in a cruel, indifferent world?
Girl 3: I want to be a lawyer.
Lea: That’s it. I give up.
7. Marysol Realizes Her Mistake
Marysol: He put a refrigerator in my study. I’m calling my lawyer.
8. Adriana and Lea Have a Heart-to-Heart
Adriana: Hi, have some cheese.
Lea: Try to stop me.
Adriana: So, my ex called last night to say he’s going to make $20 million and he wants me back.
Lea: As if! Unless he’s willing to put up half up front.
Adriana: Fredric is willing to adopt Alex, which would be good, since he needs a new father. The old one is broken and no longer dispenses cash.
Lea: What, are you going to erase the boy’s memory?I think he’ll notice the recasting, don’t you?
Adriana: He needs a father who’ll pay for stuff. Hopefully he’s smart enough to realize this and play along.
Adriana: Fredric is the future. I have to work on my future, by which I mean work my future over.
Lea: Your ex is trying to buy you back.
Lea: Hmmm. Bet that throws a wrench into your resolve.
Adriana: Will someone just tell me who the highest bidder is already? Where’s the damn auctioneer?
9. Alexia Is Victimized
Cristy: Hello. Alexia It’s. Cristy I’m at the. Fashion show where. Are you, mama?
Alexia: Oh my gaa, Cristy, I gaa into an accident! He hit me really hard and I spun around and now Herman is here making phone calls.
Cristy: Oh my gaa so should I tell the people here you’re not going to make it?
Alexia: You’re even dumber than me, aren’t you?
Cristy: Oh my gaa, who would have thought it possible?
Alexia: Oh, you there, little man. Is that your car I crashed into? Blame that guy. Also, believe it or not this is your lucky day because if it weren’t for your car I would have damaged my car even more. You’re one of the lower people, aren’t you? No need to thank me, just buy the magazine.
10. The Fashion Show Must Go On
Cristy: Who’s the hero here? I’m the hero. Oh my gaa. When Alexis bailed. I had to wear like. All four of the dresses she was going to wear. It was the most daunting. Feat of human endurance ever. But I pulled. It off. Even though I’m smaller than Alexia. Because Alexia is taller. And I’m thinner. And Alexia is a hog.
11. Adriana Earns Her Keep
Adriana: It’s like with any job. In this economy, you have to keep your skills up-to-date. That’s why I’m taking pole-dancing lessons — so Fredric doesn’t leave me for a stripper. Do you have any idea what my son’s school costs? I will remain that French’s whore whatever it takes!
12. Larsa’s Cooking Party
Larsa: My party’s the best. Like me.
Chef: ‘Eey. Moozzarell’. Barbarell’. Mamma Mia.
Adriana: Hey, watch me speak Italian.
Chef: What djoo say? I’m from New Jersey.
Adriana: I’m in the mood to stir stuff up today. Cristy, I hope you enjoyed your invoice.
Cristy. Wha? I’m gonna stare you down. With my icy stare. Which is so hot. Head cock! Another head cock! Body language in action!
Adriana: I’m just saying. I paid for a ticket to Lea’s charity event and you didn’t. And yet I have to pole dance just to hang on that old French, whereas you are already living happily ever after with your ex’s NBA money. It’s not fair! Did I do good, Mistress Lea?
Lea: Yes, minion.
Larsa: Oh my God, totally not cute! My awesome lunch was ruined even though I had the best meatball chef!
Cristy: Oh my gaa. They totally ruined your lunch by bringing up the fact that I crashed that stupid charity. Who cares about that charity anyway? It’s all Lea has. Not like me. I have my car and stuff. I’m awesome and fulfilled. Who’s Adriana to talk? All she does is kiss Lea’s ass so Lea will keep introducing her to guys with money. All she cares about are guys with money. Unlike us.
Larsa: Totally. Who cares about the guy part?
Larsa: Anyway, I gotta go yell at a nanny. Love you.