The Real Housewives of Miami
1. Larsa Acquires Living Things
Larsa: My kids love pets. Scotty gives the kids whatever they want. They want more living creatures they can reasonably care for? We say yes! They’re still alive, so that’s cute. We say they get to live. If the nannies take care of them, that is. Fucking nannies.
2. Alexia Snuffs One Out
Herman: I don’t know why Alexia insisted on coming to this here pig farm. What a paradoxical situation. Oh, there she is now, dressed inappropriately!
Alexia: Oh my God, it smells here! Who could have foreseen this? It’s terrible! Is there something to hold your nose with? Like a servant? No? You don’t understand. I’m dainty.
Herman: I told you not to come. Why are you dressed like a 16-year-old fresh from Forever 21?
Alexia: What? Please, I’m wearing $800 platform stilettos. What of it? Oh, this is so gross! It’s a beautiful tradition in the Latin culture to roast a pig. I can’t stand it. Oh, look, that pig is so cute, let’s kill that one. Why is my husband dressed like Elvis? You know what? I’m not going to eat that pig because I can’t help thinking of the animal. I’m sensitive and better than you. I can’t stop talking.
3. Phillipe and Marysol Dine Out
Philippe: Waiter, I would like a glass of red. And for the lady, some revolting concoction.
Marysol: I’ll have what you’re having.
Philippe: See? This is why I went to see your father today to ask for your tender hand in marriage. Never mind that you’re divorced and are old enough to be my babysitter (if I needed one, which I don’t, most of the time). I asked him for your hand.
Marysol: You asked him for my hand? Did he laugh in your face?
Philippe: Of course not. He turned away politely.
Marysol: Oh my God, I can’t move my face.
4. Herman Makes Alexia Handle the Pig
Herman: Touch the pig.
Alexia: I can’t touch it.
Herman: Touch it.
Alexia: Nooo! You can’t make me!
Herman: Wait until your friends come over and taste this pig. They’re going to be jealous. They’re going to be all like, “Oh, Alexia, this pig is the best ever! Oh my God!”
Alexia: They’re going to have to forget about what the pig looks like. Nobody wants to come in here and look at that pig. Please. Get over yourself.
5. Lea’s Friends Take Her Mercy Shopping
Lea: My friend Lourdes wants me to stop dressing like a clown. She thinks everyone should be dressed in high couture constantly, but I like very on-the-go, bottom-line, out-the-door clown suits. That make me look insane. Oh look! I just found the ugliest thing in the store!
Larsa: I meeeaaaan … If you’re hanging out with a bunch of girls that are fashion-forward — yes, I mean us, shut up! — then you should step up the wardrobe and look cute.
Cristy: Lea Black has. A sense of style. That I don’t. Understand. It scares me. Because I don’t. Understand. If I understood. I would be less. Afraid.
6. Alexia Hosts a Fake for a Few of Her Closest Castmates
Alexia: Oh, look, my pretend friends are here! Doesn’t this look natural? Hey, girls, come over and see Herman’s pig! You especially, Lea. I know Lea’s going to be freaked out because she doesn’t eat any kind of meat, and also because I can count on her to be rude and ornery. Jesus Christ, my life is empty.
Lea: Oh my God, you people are barbaric. I can’t believe you would actually eat a non-tube-shaped pig. What are you, Cuban or something? I’m done. Done! Get me a drink.
Cristy: Oh my gaaa … Lea’s reaction was so funny. If it was just a bunch of Cubans, it would be just another normal, pig-roasting day for us. We roast pigs like it’s nothing, you know? Because we’re Cuban.
7. Later, After Drinking
Herman: Look, Lea. Watch me whack the pig.
Lea: Oh my God. I’m not eating Herman’s pig.
Larsa: Look at Marysol eating all that pig. She’s going to oink. It’s not cute, but it makes me feel cute to sit here and not eat anything. Scottie’s right to love me.
Philippe: Marysol, have you told all your friends about the big news?
Marysol: These people?
Alexia: It takes a very secure man to be with an emasculating sphinx like Marysol. Why else do you think Herman is waving his pig around in front of everybody?
Lea: Oh, I’m going to make a joke about how he needs a green card because why else would he marry you?
Larsa: Lea is a real bitch when she gets drunk.
8. Elsa and Frank Visit Marysol
Elsa: Look at my face! Look at my face! Look at my face!
Marysol: It does tend to make it impossible to look at anything else, why do you think you’re not invited to the wedding?
9. Larsa Tries to Hire Another Stupid Nanny
Larsa: Nanny service? I have too many kids and too much hanging out to do. I need a nanny, but I hate the lowly bitches. I’m perfect, so I expect my nannies to be perfect. You think I’m kidding, don’t you? No, I really am this horrible. Really, I am.
10. Cristy and Alexia Support the Poor Loser Designers of Miami Who Will Never Amount to Things
Cristy: Basically, me showing up at anybody’s event or place of business is a huge favor I’m bestowing. I’m like Gaa’s gift, you know?
11. Lea Sits Adriana Down and Sets Her Straight
Adriana: Kid? Oh, kid? Are you under there? Let’s unload this monstrosity on Lea. How else was I going to get her to fork over $10,000? I lost a lot of business because of that artist guy, you know? Nobody bought any of his crappy stuff.
Lea: When I met Adriana, she was living the lifestyle of the American dream, by which I mean she was the trophy wife of some jerk whose ill-gotten fortune compelled sycophants and brown-nosers to pretend to like him. Then he dumped her for a younger model and next thing you know she’s sleeping in a “gallery” the size of a closet. Of course, I had to make her my pet project. It makes me look great.
Adriana: You look great, Lea. All those ruffles? Really flattering.
Lea: I only have a few minutes here, so let me undermine you as fast as I can and let you know that I think you’re jeopardizing this sugar-daddy thing you have going on with the French, which I probably don’t need to tell you is a colossally stupid thing for you to be doing, okay? So here’s what you’re going to do. Beg for money.
Adriana: What? But I have all the ingredients to be a winner! All I need is a mixing bowl! And maybe an oven.
Lea: Forget about your pride, pet project, and do as I say. We’re gonna make a strategy. Let’s live in the future, okay? Luckily, I still have my DeLorean.
Adriana: Lea is my family. She’s all I have, even though she hurts me.
12. Cristy Dines Out
Cristy: Nicky. Is a good. Friend of mine. I’ve known her since. High school. She understands that Lea is a bitch. Because she sent me. Certified. Letter! Asking for money. Like. What is she going to do with the. Check? I’m sorry, but me going to your event is like the universe showering you with love. It’s like. The sky opens up and bathes in divine awesomeness. Me showing up. Is me doing you. A favor.