1. Marysol Shows Elsa Her Wedding Pictures
Marysol: Look, mom. My wedding pictures. Come sit next to me and make fun of them.
Elsa: I’m there. Oooh, look. You look so happy. It won’t last. One slip of the surgeon’s knife and he’ll be gone.
Marysol: I know, I know. Marriage is horrible. But look at how cute I look!
Elsa: It’s true, you look fabulous. He looks like he works for you. He does work for you, doesn’t he? How much do you pay him?
Elsa: So, Andy Cohen said I had to ask you about grandchildren — we have to pretend to discuss this.
Marysol: Is my sphinxlike smile masking my annoyance?
Elsa: I know, I know. But it says in my contract I have to make fun of you for being old and divorced.
Marysol: You know that expression about having a face only a mother could love? I never understood that expression.
2. Alexia and Peter Admire His Beauty
Alexia: Oh, son! Your magazine is here! Come sit next to me and let’s admire your hotness together!
Alexia: Does it make you uncomfortable that I get so worked up about your hotness?
Peter: A little.
Alexia: You’ll get over it. Ooh, look at yourself. Oh my God, I’m starting to slur. You know how I got you this shoot by calling in favors? I didn’t even need to do that. You are so incredibly hot. I mean, Jesus.
Peter: My girlfriend thinks you’re creepy.
3. Larsa Sees the Hottest Designers for Charity
Alexia: Hey, Adriana. Don’t be a bitch at my next thing, okay? That wasn’t cute.
Adriana: What? Are you accusing me of something? I’m going to get shrill.
Lea: Look, bathing suits! Adriana, get over here and take off your clothes for me.
Adriana: Yes, mistress.
Cristy: Oh my gaa I hate her so much. I’m seething with anger. I can’t stop narrowing my eyes. I make the bottom lids go up, like a chicken.
Marysol: She’s crazy. I love crazy
Lea: Suck in your stomach, honey. There are plenty more helpless waifs seeking patronage where you came from, know what I mean?
Adriana: Yes, mistress.
Tara: Can we talk some trash now?
Cristy: Adriana ruined Larsa’s lunch, and I’m going to make the chicken faces to prove it. Peck, peck.
Tara: She wants the attention, the bitch. How dare she be so hot?
Larsa: I hate the world.
4. Adriana and Fredric Get Away From Pretty Much Already Being Away
Adriana: I brought Fredric here to corner him into proposing. I don’t have time to waste. I have to get someone to sign up for supporting me.
Fredric: I’m going to smear mud on your boobies.
Adriana: I don’t trust men. Ever since my mother caught my father with the housekeeper, I’m like, “I need to find me a sugar daddy like she did!” My ex thinks so, too. He thinks you should support his kid in exchange for sleeping with me.
Fredric: I’ll adopt the kid, and we’ll pretend his father never existed!
Adriana: Imagine how well-adjusted he’ll be!
Adriana: So when are you going to ask me to marry you? How about now? How about now? How about now?
Fredric: Sure, whatever. Pick a date. I’ll do it. I’ll do anything.
5. Marysol and Phillippe Plan a Party
Marysol: Hi, honey. Can we have a fake conversation about our “cooking lesson”?
Phillippe: Thank God for the topic cards, eh?
Marysol: Totally. So I guess I’m supposed to pretend I’m “frazzled,” and don’t know what to do, and then have the spontaneous idea that you should do it, to promote your line of reality housewife products.
Phillippe: That sounds like a tremendous promotional opportunity.
6. Fredric and Adriana Get Dirty
Adriana: There’s been a lot of drama going on, so I want to turn things around and show my fun side, my sexy side, my backside! Look, here’s my butt, through a door. I’m flattening against the glass now, and sliiiiiding …
Fredric: This is compelling. Reminds me of my dog on the grass with an itch. And yet I find I’m aroused.
7. Marysol and Phillippe Set the Table, Serve Lean Cuisine
Elsa: Gud Eebenin.
Marysol: Count Dracula? Oh, no, it’s the Mummy.
Elsa: Oh, this is beautiful.
Marysol: My mom is the perfect party accessory. She naturally becomes the life of the party because of her personality and the fact that people can’t stop staring at her personality. What?
Larsa: That ugly lady is a psychic, right? I don’t believe in psychics. Like, I’m going to go to a psychic in disguise — really ugly nails and a big bag — and see what she says. I think they just say what’s obvious, like if you’re hot they say you’re going to get married, and if you’re ugly they say you’ll be educated. Let’s see what Marysol’s mom has to say about me!
Elsa: You’re worried about a man, and I think we both know what I mean by that.
Larsa: What, no! Uncool! I’m cute! You’re supposed to say cute things!
Elsa: We can talk in private later.
Larsa: I’m going to kill you in private later.
Marysol: Hey, ladies, put on these coats and come into the kitchen for a cooking lesson. It’s going to be messy! My husband is an awesome cook! I’m setting up these false expectations because this show is so bad and insanely pointless that even with the slow season and abrupt ending, only like three people watch it.
Phillippe: Tonight, we’re going to grill salmon. Only we’re not. We’re going to stick a bag of frozen grilled salmon in a pot of boiling water. It’s my new product. Ta-da!
Larsa: This is not cute. I’m too good for this. I’m too good for everything. I wish the world would just die.
Lea: I’m above this, too.
Cristy: Oh gaa, me too.
Larsa: I don’t even know what to do with frozen food.
Lea: Oh shut up.
8. At the Table
Adriana: Maybe if we try a repeat of the psychic dinner thing they did in Beverly Hills? Anything? Either that or I start stripping.
Larsa: How about Alexia? Alexia is perfect.
Alexia: Nobody is perfect. Only God, and my son Peter. And my son Peter’s torso.
Elsa: This Larsa lady has the depth of a newborn goldfish, am I right?
Larsa: The monster lady is attacking me because I’m cuter than everyone else! I don’t believe in you, lady!
Elsa: Anything could happen. In ten years, you could be poor. And I’m not saying that because I’m psychic, I’m saying it because I read it on the Internet.
Larsa: How dare you! I’m the most stable, perfect, best, cutest, and richest person here! Why won’t anyone acknowledge this?
Elsa: I’m going to drink now.
Marysol: Mommy, no!
Elsa: Marysol, I’m a lady! A very drunken lady! You, Cuban girl, you screwed up.
Cristy: It’s all lies!
Elsa: You could have been happily married to an NBA guy, instead of resorting to this stupid show.
Cristy: Shut up.
9. Marysol and Elsa Catch Up
Elsa: Your friends are idiots.
Marysol: I’m quitting this show.
10: Alexia Takes Peter to the Agency
Alexia: I took Peter to this modeling agency, and they made him take off his shirt. For once, it wasn’t me asking him to take off his shirt, you know? He needs to know that other people are going to ask him too. His whole life, that’s what people are going to want from him, not just me! He’s beautiful, he has a great body, he needs to know that, not just me. What?
Peter: Why did you let me eat lunch? I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!
Alexia: Oh my God, after all I’ve done to buy you a career. Can’t you pretend to be happy?
11. Three Days Later, Larsa Is Still Pissed
Cristy: Yeah, Larsa doesn’t like it when people don’t think she’s perfect. I’m going to be hearing about this for years. Thanks, Marysol’s mom. Thanks, Marysol. I hate life.
12. Marysol Gets an Invite
Marysol: Lea is so sweet! She’s always sending me gifts. She sent me these horrible Mickey Mouse polyester gloves with this invite to a luncheon. Do I have to wear these? She’s so tacky, it’s unbearable. I love her. I need a hat.
13. Adriana and Fredric on the Boat
Adriana: Now that Fredric has proposed, it’s my goal to keep him in a constant state of arousal. I know it’s gross for the rest of you, but I’m not letting this one get away to impregnate a teenager.
14. Peter’s Celebration
Alexia: My hot son used to be a fuck-up, but now he’s going to be a model! I want him to focus on the modeling.
Peter: Gym, gym, gym!
Alexia: Diet, diet, diet! I love you! I’m going to read this illiterate letter I wrote you and cry.
Peter: Please stop.
Girlfriend: Your mom is weird.
15. Lea’s Luncheon
Lea: Hi, bitches! You’re all dolled up like you’re going to the palace! You have no idea how much I hate you! Get in the limo. We’re going to a farm! That’s right, a farm! An organic farm! Let’s see how you do. It’ll be like Survivor: Arugula! You bitches are dead. And they wore stilettos!
Larsa: Oh my God, I have to pick my own food? This is not cute!
Lea: Here, eat a flower.
Alexia: She brought Michelle Bernstein to make weeds, that was a waste of Michelle’s time and my time. My time is incalculably precious.
Larsa: There’s a worm on my plate. This is where I start lashing out. Marysol, your mom is a bitch.
Marysol: I’m done.
Cristy: I looove Larsa. But she’s a horrible person.
Lea: Well, this is our last luncheon. I won’t miss anyone because I don’t miss people. I’m a clinical sociopath.
Cristy: To frenemies!