Spurred, perhaps, by a report yesterday that Two and a Half Men creator Chuck Lorre was finalizing plans to replace Charlie Sheen and expand Jon Cryer’s role, Sheen sent a letter to Lorre (and TMZ, natch) that would surely burn whichever bridges were somehow left standing after Sheen’s previous attempts to scorch the earth. “Good Luck Chuck,” he wrote, arguing that since “You created a show BASED ON MY AWESOME LIFE,” there’s no way it can exist without him. But trust us, the rest of the letter is far meaner and crazier than that.
TMZ has the full letter, but here’s an excerpted version:
MY fans may tune in for a minute, but at the end of the day, no one cares about your feeble show without me. Shame on you. Not even a phone call to the man that put you on the map. The man that put 500 million dollars in your pockets … A-hole pussy loser. Put on the gloves you low-rent, nut-less sociopath; I’ll beat your chicken shit soul in a court room into a state of gratitude. A state of surrender … Newsflash; they are planning on voting you off the AA island. Even those clowns have no room for you anymore. Wow, I’m sure your children are SO PROUD of you. You can teach ‘em how to be a stupid bitch.
I’m out here with my fans every night. The message is crystal clear.
NO CHARLIE SHEEN. NO SHOW.
… You’ve been warned. Reap the whirl-wind you cockroach, reap it.
This will definitely work. Rehired!