Which of This Week’s Eleven New Reality Shows Is Right for You?

Photo: David Giesbrecht/??? Bravo
Photo: David Giesbrecht/??? Bravo

TV’s cup runneth over with reality premieres this week, and between the gigolos of Gigolos and the jiggling bosoms of beauty queens on Glamour Belles, there’s a little something for everyone. If Monday’s Relapse and Kidnapped by the Kids debuts didn’t quench your voyeuristic impulses, there’s plenty more where that came from.

Addicted to Food, Tuesday, April 5, 10 p.m., OWN
Concept: Therapist Tennie McCarty treats eight people with a range of eating disorders.
Formula: (The Biggest Loser - the screaming and product placements) x Starting Over x (Celebrity Rehab - celebrities - drugs)
Who Should Watch: Anyone looking for an Oprah-certified spin on the Intervention model.

Jersey Cheer, Tuesday, April 5, 10 p.m., Lifetime
Concept: Follow the Central Jersey All-Stars cheerleaders and their intense coach Patty, who “walks a fine line between discipline and humiliation.” (Technically, it’s two half-hour “specials” and not a full series — yet!)
Formula: Cheerleader Nation + New Jersey.
Who Should Watch: Anyone who can finish this phrase: “I said brrr! It’s cold in here!” Or big Bobby Knight fans.

Pregnant in Heels, Tuesday, April 5, 10 p.m., Bravo
Concept: “Maternity concierge” Rosie Pope helps expectant couples prepare for parenthood.
Formula: (The Rachel Zoe Project - “I die”) x Real Housewives–style attitudes about child-rearing x Bridezillas x hormones
Who Should Watch: Anyone who hates/loves rich people or wants to take a quiz that includes “true or false: babies projectile vomit.” (It’s true, by the way.)

Extreme Couponing, Wednesday, April 6, 10 p.m., TLC
Concept: Clip and save, readers! But lots and lots of clipping — and a staggering amount of savings.
Formula: Supermarket Sweep + Budgets
Who Should Watch: Hoarders fans who want to look on the bright side of things, and lovers of bargains.

Glamour Belles, Wednesday, April 6, 10 p.m., Lifetime
Concept: Go inside pageant-dress central at Joann’s Gowns in Union City, Tennessee.
Formula: [Say Yes to the Dress + (Toddlers in Tiaras - overt creepiness)] x the South
Who Should Watch: Anyone who wants to hear sassy shop owner Paige drawl, “I’m afraid I’m gonna see your cookie!” when a customer’s dress is slit too high. So … everyone. Holy cats, y’all! Pageant shows can be such weird downers, but Glamour Belles actually looks hilarious.

Tori & Dean: sTORIbook Weddings, Wednesday, April 6, 10 p.m., Oxygen
Concept: Tori Spelling and her husband make your wedding-day dreams come true.
Formula: Tori & Dean + Platinum Weddings
Who Should Watch: Anyone who’s feeling a little burnt out on Say Yes to the Dress, Rich Bride Poor Bride, Bridezillas, My Big Fat Fabulous Wedding, Platinum Weddings, My Big Redneck Wedding, A Wedding Story, Four Weddings, Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?, or even My Super Sweet 16.

Mounted in Alaska, Thursday, April 7, 10 p.m., History Channel
Concept: Dive into “the exciting, entertaining and often surprising world of taxidermy” with Russel Knight, owner of Knight’s Taxidermy.
Formula: (The Wild Within - Food) x (Miami Ink - Tattoos) x (American Chopper - Motorcycles) + (Sarah Palin’s Alaska - Sarah Palin)
Who Should Watch: Anyone who wants to learn what “fleshing” means. Or who likes workplace docu-series set in unusual businesses.

Gigolos, Thursday, April 7, 11 p.m., Showtime
Concept: Meet the five “hardest working men in Vegas.” They are escorts.
Formula: [(All the guys who have ever been on The Hills)^GTL] + (Cathouse: The Series + lifelessness)
Who Should Watch: Anyone who, like newcomer to the “crew” Vin, wants to know what it takes to be “the best of the best.” Of the gigolos.

CMT’s Next Superstar, Friday, April 8, 9 p.m., CMT
Concept: A search for America’s next great country singer-songwriter.
Formula: Nashville Star + Nigel Lithgowe
Who Should Watch: Anyone who wishes Idol contestants wrote their own songs.

Khloe & Lamar, Sunday, April 10, 10 p.m., E!
Concept: Khloe Kardashian and husband Lamar Odom are “love’s new dream team.”
Formula: (Keeping Up With the Kardashians + Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami - Kourtney, Kim, Kris) x Newlyweds
Who Should Watch: Anyone who sort of feels bad for the tallest Kardashian sister, in a Jacob Have I Loved way.

The Dance Scene, Sunday, April 10, 10:30 p.m., E!
Concept: A “backstage pass for a look inside this exclusive and high energy world of dance” as seen through the eyes of megachoreographer Laurieann Gibson and her team.
Formula: (Dancelife + So You Think You Can Dance) x (Blow Out - hair)
Who Should Watch: Anyone who loves the docu-soap about the industry bigwig about to cross into the mainstream — think Bravo shows from five years ago. Plus dance moves!

Which of This Week’s Eleven New Reality Shows Is Right for You?