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Gossip Girl Recap Recap: Mad Lib Time

Photo: Giovanni Rufino/© Warner Brothers
Photo: Giovanni Rufino/© Warner Brothers

Seems like everyone is a writer these days, even our very own Dan Humphrey, so for today’s Recap of the Recap synopsis, why don’t we all play the writer with some __(Greatest Show of Our Time)__themed Fill-in-the-__(noun)__. Just for fun, courtesy of commenter annie_in_ny.

Hello Upper East Siders!

It looks like another year has come to a close, and where have we all left off? Lily will be under house arrest all summer. Rufus will probably plan the neighbor’s book club. He can even bake the __(plural noun)__ himself, like the house husband he is. Serena has left Manhattan for a __(adjective)__ summer in Malibu with Grandma Cece. She has already landed a __(adjective)__ movie job, where her talent for __(active verb)__will be showcased. Clearly her __(plural body part)__ are the reason she got the job. Dan and Eric are planning a bromance trip to summer in the Hamptons. Haven’t we all really wanted to see the two of them in coordinated __(preppy clothing brand)__ ties and blazers? Ever the outsider, __(adjective)__ Vanessa left us shocked by stealing Dan’s __(adjective)__ novel and __(adverb)__ running off to Barcelona. Chuck Bass has officially grown up, doing the right thing by giving up Blair. At least not everything has changed — Chuck’s plans to __(verb)__ his way through __(place on the globe)__ with Nate, will surely bring him back to his scheming ways. Cousin Charlie traveled down to Florida, without revealing her __(adjective)__ identity. She has __(adjective)__ Georgina’s phone number; their friendship will surely spell trouble for everyone. And lastly, what will come of Blair and her Prince? Will they live in the __(adjective)__ palace and have their happily-ever-after, or will her new relationship actually include a __(noun)__?

What will next year bring? Will __(estranged relative)__ return? Will __(unlikely couple)__ hook up? Will __(current couple)__ break up? What __(black tie party)__ will all of the drama unfold at?

As usual, I will be keeping my eyes on the gossip for you. So enjoy your __(plural summer noun)__, summer flings and __(plural summer noun)__. See you in September!

You know you __(verb)__ me,
Xoxo,Gossip Girl

Realer Than Wanting to Grow Up to Be Blair Instead of Serena
• Queller is just the human embodiment of a bitch slap. Plus 20. —KDOW3

• +5 for Dan pouting like an ignored girlfriend after Nate is vague about all the inside scoop. Don’t worry though, like the good boyfriend he is, Nate promises to catch his gal up on all the gossip later. —BOWSANDPOLKADOTSANDBASS

• Eleanor called Chuck a “big bad wolf” and the jerk smirked. Loved it. +2. —MAGNOLIACAKE 22

• Plus 5 for when Blair teased Serena about her awful idea for a bridesmaid’s dress “in the brightest shade of fuschia”…which Serena was wearing at that very moment. Because really, these two will never pass up the chance to lob underhanded criticisms at each other. —CREATURECOMFORT

• Blair should know that you never go with a Bass to a second location if you want to keep your virtue. Rookie mistake. Of course, Blair knew this, so I think it’s a Plus 30. —FEED_THE_DUCKS

• After Serena talks Charlie down and apologizes to Dan and Nate, Charlie apologizes for her behavior, and there’s this awkward moment where Nate clearly can’t decide whether to introduce himself to her or not. Plus 3. —PURPLEANDGREEN

• Dan is secretly pleased about Vanessa finding his manuscript, even though he won’t admit it. He starts going on and on as soon as she gives her approval and praise. +2 for an ego stroke to make Dan forget he hates Vanessa … even if only for a minute. —NYCGG4233

• Plus 5 for the wardrobe department’s consistency. Lilac Chuck represents “sensitive” Chuck. But I want my sex-crazed menace-to-society eggplant Chuck back for next season, thank you very much. —POLISHPIEROGI

• Since Charlie is now Ivy, the Van der Humphreys are stuck with a professionally-done family portrait with some unrelated con-artist in the back row. That clan can’t even get a family photo correct. Plus 5. —BRANDIE_LARUE

• Of course, Georgina “The Wizard of Roofies” Sparks could smell from a mile away that Charlie was never on meds. Plus 20. —STILETTO33

• Eric: “Wait, just tell me that no one’s trying to stop a wedding, run a Ponzi scheme, give anybody fake cancer, or turn into a justifiably vengeful townie.” I feel like Eric’s become the Andy Cohen-esque Greek chorus of the show. Plus 20 but only if he gets his own Gossip Girl version of “Watch What Happens” in which he can get shi* faced with Cece and condescend to various members of the cast, face-to-face in a talk show setting. I feel like that’s exactly what this show needs to pick it up for next season. —KDOW3

• +3 for Serena’s confused/thinking-hard face when Georgina starts dropping random terms like “the badger,” “the melon drop” and “the Spanish Prisoner” — it’s like S is taking a mental quiz on “Name of Obscure Con-Game or Name of Obscure Gross Sex Act I tried with some frat bro?” —HUNTETGRAYSON

• How often does it happen that a girl says “one drink, that’s it” and ends up getting knocked up? Plus 10 for cliché consistency if Blair is in fact pregnant. —ANINDIANGGFAN

• Tiny purple suits, scarfs, and bowties, or tiny headbands/colorful tights +1,000,000 for season five. —JJOVANA3

Faker than Blair Being Pregnant
• Minus 3 for that positive pregnancy test being placed face-up in the trash can. Every girl knows the best way to get rid of that evidence is to place the test back in the box, tie the box in a bag, and hide it in the bottom of the trash. Didn’t anyone ever watch the Brenda Walsh pregnancy-scare episode of (the original) 90210? —BRANDIE_LARUE

• Chuck not wearing a white dinner jacket while pulling a Casablanca on Blair.-1942 points. These people are nothing if not consummate auteurs of their lives, especially with wardrobe. —NEXTARINE

• Minus 50 for the scene of Chuck and Blair being hoisted into the air on chairs. As anyone who has ever been to a bar mitzvah knows, that special treatment is reserved for the bar mitzvah boy and his parents, not random twenty-something guests. And they’d never be at the center of the horah — maybe at the sidelines clapping their hands, if they’re lucky. —ADARA

• No way would Dorota miss that positive pregnancy test in the trash, that woman is practically in the KGB. - 10 —BLAIR_BASS

• So basically, Dan’s been writing a glorified diary for five years, in which he uses pseudonyms like Charlie Trout, Sabrina Wonderboobsen, and possibly Clair Waldass. I’d be shocked if he was the next Snooki, let alone the next Safran Foer. Stop trying to make Dan happen, GG! Minus 25. —LPYCB42

• Wouldn’t Chuck have seen on his caller ID that it was Blair calling? He wouldn’t have answered with a calm “Hello?” and then patiently waited the five seconds it took Blair to start talking after he called. He would have been demanding her location and growling into dead air. Minus 5 —JNP1013

• WAIT. Georgina has been in the city this whole time!?!?! How is it that we have not seen her? -50. If she is so horribly bored with her life, no way she would wait this long to make an appearance. —CHUCKISMYPUPPY

• Summer time, no lectures :) Oh wait, no one cares about college, anyway. But they all really have better things to do, like … scheming, revenge, getting drunk, hurting others, marrying … Minus 5 —NYILOVEYOU

• -100 for the ridiculous bar mitzvah scene. It felt like a Twin Peaks dream sequence. Chuck Bass smiling, laughing, and dancing?Surreal, disturbing, and completely out of character. —THOUGHTS

• -10 for Charlie’s impossibly glossed lips during her suicide scene. She couldn’t have possibly pulled out a tube of Nars stashed in her bewbs. Only cleavage rhombus can achieve this kind of trick. —NEWYORKILOVEYOU

• It’s been so long since Serena’s gotten any on this show that there’s no way the pregnancy test in the trash could be hers. Even with the Charlie mischief, a girl like Serena would have seduced some young Constance Billiard boy at the party just to make herself feel better about Blair and the Prince, the way drunk maids-of-honor deflower the bride’s cousin at weddings. -10 —CHESTERCOPPERPOT

• Minus 10 for Jack Bass not staying around for another week. Jack + Georgina would have been the best thing on this show since … ever. —UESIDERZ

Gossip Girl Recap Recap: Mad Lib Time