Minutes From the Ridgeside, Pennsylvania Town Hall Meeting, by Michael Pielocik


Mayor Griffiths arrived late due to traffic caused by the monstrous crater in the middle of town. Meeting called to order at 6:07pm. The Pledge of Allegiance was briefly interrupted by uncontrollable acidic vomiting from Councilman Nadine.


Present were Mayor Griffiths and Councilmen Nadine and Gorbinski, County Health Commissioner Nichols, and an undulating green sac of sentient fluid that used to be Town Treasurer Russo.


Mayor Griffiths welcomed residents and assured them that this meeting would address any concerns they have about Thursday’s meteor strike and its aftereffects. He also asked that everyone observe a moment of silence for Tammy Fersch and Jake Meyers, who were canoodling under the town square gazebo when the meteor struck and were killed. (Moment of silence also interrupted by acidic vomiting.)

4. POWERPOINT PRESENTATION: “Our New Telescoping Forehead Eyeballs: What You Need To Know.”

County Health Commissioner Nichols gave a 15-minute presentation on the telescoping forehead eyeballs that many have grown in recent days. His presentation outlined safety tips, proper care and upkeep of the “branch” so that there is no unsightly buildup around the “node,” and noted that while the third eye may seem useless now, once it fully integrates with our brain chemistry residents will probably be able to see into the fourth dimension and time as we know it will cease to have any meaning. Nichols added that once this happened it would probably be an economic boon to the town on par with the annual Arts & Pork Festival.


Councilman Gorbinski assured residents that the intense hunger for cadmium they were all feeling was normal and that trucks full of high-grade cadmium were on their way to Ridgeside. In the meantime, he advised Ridgesiders to refrain from eating batteries to get their cadmium fix. Though tempting, batteries have other non-cadmium things in them. He added, “There are a bunch of old TVs with cadmium tubes at the recycling center, though, you can eat those no problem. Go crazy.”

6. Note: The meeting was then interrupted by a contingent of town “normals” armed with flamethrowers. One of the group, Ridgeside High science teacher Ms. Caroline Larsen, screamed “Die alien scum!” just before the normals were consumed by the undulating Treasurer Russo sac. The meeting continued.


Mrs. Mildred Passanante of Grove Street’s second head (heretofore “Mildred-B”) demanded to know if the town’s water supply was affected by the meteor. She was shouted down by Mrs. Mildred Passanante of Grove Street’s fifth head (heretofore “Mildred-E”).

Mr. Greg Krause stood to ask if anyone else was having the dreams. Everyone in attendance acknowledged that yes, they were having the dreams.

Mr. Brian Stern Jr. of Magnolia Drive asked if he and his family would ever be allowed to leave Ridgeside. Councilman Gorbinski simply chuckled knowingly to himself before responding, “Pretty sure that’s not happening.”

Mr. Julius Dunn wanted to know if anyone would ever clean the graffiti off the Target parking lot yield sign or if “it’s just all meteor all the time now” in local government. He also wanted to know how long the town would be gazeboless.

Derek, the telepathic scream-presence that arrived with the meteor, took a break from screaming to sing “Mack The Knife” for those in attendance. His version had a slight alt-country kick to it. Afterwards he resumed screaming telepathically.

Mrs. Andrea Grob of Oakdale Avenue asked if people thought her dog Ruby’s sudden mastery of the English language was a result of the crazy meteor mutations or if it was just a coincidence.

One of the shadowy government agents who’s been lurking around town for the past few days revealed himself from behind a drape and asked where he could find the nearest men’s room.

8. Councilman Nadine then took the floor and completed his transformation into a sentient fluid sac. He and the Treasurer Russo sac fused membranes and became one. Mayor Griffiths expressed that he would check the town charter to see if one person/being could hold both offices. By that point Councilman Gorbinsky was also a sac. The Nadine-Russo sac took in the Gorbinsky sac, and the new tri-sac began to grow exponentially.


The meeting was informally adjourned. All is now sac.

Prepared by

City Clerk Marjorie Ferrera

Please be aware — The school board meeting scheduled to be held next Wednesday in Ridgefield City Hall room 2A will now be held in the sac.

Pre-sac, Michael Pielocik wrote for The Onion News Network. You can follow him on Twitter here.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit to it, send an email to Becca O’Neal.

Minutes From the Ridgeside, Pennsylvania Town Hall […]